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BEST  SHORT  STORIES 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2008  with  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


http://www.archive.org/details/bestshortstoriesOOmass 


This  man,  Mr.    Tom  Masson,  has  zvritien  more  jokes 
than  any  other  person  on  earth 


COPYRIGHT,   1918,  BY 

DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 

ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED,  INCLUDING  THAT  OF 

TRANSLATION  INTO  FOREIGN  LANGUAGES, 

INCLUDING  THE  SCANDINAVIAN 


PRINTED  IN  THE  UNITED  STATES 

AT 

THE  COUNTRY  LIFE  PRtSS.  CARDAN  CITY.  N.  Y. 


/M&'/H^l 


A  FOREWORD  TO  EVERYBODY 

THERE  is  a  wide  difference  of  opinion,  even 
among  the  most  discriminating  critics,  as  to 
what  constitutes  the  point  of  a  good  joke.  Aside 
from  varying  temperaments,  this  is  largely  due 
to  one's  experience  with  life  in  general.  Or  in- 
timate acquaintance  with  certain  phases  of  life 
gives  us  a  subtler  appreciation  of  certain  nice- 
ties, which  would  be  lost  upon  those  who  have 
not  traveled  over  that  particular  path.  The 
doctor,  the  lawyer,  the  family  man,  and  the 
soldier,  each  have  their  minds  sensitized  to  their 
own  fields  of  thought.  Human  nature,  however, 
works  according  to  universal  laws,  and  a  really 
first-class  joke  strikes  home  to  the  majority. 

The  compiler  of  this  collection  has  had  it 
in  mind  to  get  as  much  variety  as  possible, 
while  at  the  same  time  to  use  only  such  material 
as  serves  to  illustrate  some  easily  recognizable 
human  trait. 

It  is  almost  needless  to  say  that  this  book 


FOREWORD 

should  not  be  read  continuously.  It  should  be 
taken  in  small  doses,  as  it  is  highly  concentrated. 
Many  old  friends  will  be  noticed  in  the  crowd. 
But  old  friends,  even  among  jokes,  should  not 
be  passed  by  too  lightly. 


BEST  SHORT  STORIES 


BEST    SHORT    STORIES 


THE      POINT      OF      HONOR 

A  YOUNG  lieutenant  was  passed  by  a  private, 
who  failed  to  salute.  The  lieutenant  called 
him  back,  and  said  sternly: 

"You  did  not  salute  me.  For  this  you  will 
immediately  salute  two  hundred  times." 

At  this  moment  the  General  came  up. 

"What's  all  this?"  he  exclaimed,  seeing  the 
poor  private  about  to  begin. 

The  lieutenant  explained. 

"This  ignoramus  failed  to  salute  me,  and  as 
a  punishment,  1  am  making  him  salute  two  hun- 
dred times." 

"Quite  right,"  replied  the  General,  smiling. 
"  But  do  not  forget,  sir,  that  upon  each  occasion 
you  are  to  salute  in  return." 

3 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
ALWAYS      GET      THE      FACTS 

IT  IS  never  wise  to  jump  to  conclusions.  Al- 
ways wait  until  the  evidence  is  all  in. 

A  Jersey  man  of  a  benevolent  turn  of  mind  en- 
countered a  small  boy  in  his  neighborhood  who 
gave  evidence  of  having  emerged  but  lately  from 
a  severe  battle. 

"I  am  sorry,"  said  the  man,  "to  see  that  you 
have  a  black  eye,  Sammy." 

Whereupon  Sammy  retorted: 

"  You  go  home  and  be  sorry  for  your  own  little 
boy — he's  got  two!" 


CAN      THIS      BE      TRUE? 

A  CERTAIN  Irishman  was  taken  prisoner  by 
the  Huns.  While  he  was  standing  alone, 
waiting  to  be  assigned  to  his  prison,  or  whatever 
fate  awaited  him,  the  Kaiser  came  up. 

"Hello,"  said  the  Kaiser.  "Who  have  we 
here?" 

"  I'm  an  Irishman,  your  honor." 

Then  he  winked  solemnly. 

"Oi  say,"  he  continued.  "We  didn't  do  a 
thing  to  you  Germans,  did  wer     Eh,  old  chap?" 

The  Kaiser  was  horrified.  Calling  an  orderly 
he  said  to  him: 


BEST      SHORT      STOllIES 

"Take  this  blasphemer  away  and  put  a  Ger- 
man uniform  on  him,  and  then  bring  him  back." 

Shortly  the  Irishman  was  returned,  in  a  full 
German  uniform. 

"Well,"  said  the  Kaiser,  "maybe  you  feel 
better  now.     How  is  it?" 

Pat  grabbed  him  by  the  arm,  and  leaning  over, 
whispered: 

"Oi  say,  we  gave  them  Irish  Hell,  didn't  we?" 


NEW      SERVAN  T-G  I  R  L      STORY 

THE  wife  of  a  successful  young  literary  man 
had  hired  a  buxom  Dutch  girl  to  do  the 
housework.  Several  weeks  passed  and  from  seeing 
her  master  constantly  about  the  house,  the  girl 
received  an  erroneous  impression. 

"Ogscuse  me,  Mrs.  Blank,"  she  said  to  her 
mistress  one  day,  "  but  I  like  to  say  somedings." 

"Well,  Rena?" 

The  girl  blushed,  fumbled  with  her  apron, 
and  then  replied,  "Veil,  you  pay  me  four  tol- 
lars  a  veek ' 

"  Yes,  and  I  really  can't  pay  you  any  more." 

"It's  not  dot,"  responded  the  girl;  "but  I  be 
villing  to  take  tree  tollars  till — till  your  husband 
gets  vork." 

5 


E 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
HE      WAS      BROAD      MINDED 

VEN  married  life  does  not  affect  some 
people  unpleasantly,  or  take  away  the  fine 
spirit  of  their  charity. 

A  certain  factory-owner  tells  of  an  old  employee 
who  came  into  the  office  and  asked  for  a  day  off. 

"  I  guess  we  can  manage  it,  Pete,"  says  the  boss, 
"tho  we  are  mighty  short-handed  these  days. 
What  do  you  want  to  get  off  for?" 

"Ay  vant  to  get  married,"  blushed  Pete, 
who  is  by  way  of  being  a  Scandinavian. 

"Married?  Why,  look  here — it  was  only  a 
couple  of  months  ago  that  you  wanted  to  get  off 
because  your  wife  was  dead ! " 

"  Yas,  ay  gess  so." 

"And  you  want  to  get  married  again,  with  your 
wife  only  two  months  dead?" 

"  Yas.    Ay  ain't  ban  hold  no  grudge  long." 


MISSED      HIS      CHANCE 

BEFORE  introducing  Lieutenant  de  Tessan, 
aide  to  General  Joffre,  and  Colonel  Fabry, 
the  "  Blue  Devil  of  France,"  Chairman  Spencer,  of 
the  St.  Louis  entertainment  committee,  at  the 
M.  A.  A.  breakfast  told  this  anecdote: 
"In  Washington    Lieutenant  de  Tessan  was 
6 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

approached  by  a  pretty  American  girl,  who 
said: 

"  'And  did  you  kill  a  German  soldier?' 

"'Yes/  he  replied. 

"'With  what  hand  did  you  do  it?'  she  inquired. 

*'  'With  this  right  hand,'  he  said. 

"And  then  the  pretty  American  girl  seized  his 
right  hand  and  kissed  it.  Colonel  Fabry  stood 
near  by.  He  strolled  over  and  said  to  Lieutenant 
de  Tessan: 

'"Heavens,  man,  why  didn't  you  tell  her  that 
you  bit  him  to  death?'" 


GREAT      RELIEF      IN      HEAVEN 

THE  following  story  is  from  the  Lihre  Belgi- 
que,  the  anonymous  periodical  secretly 
published  in  Brussels,  and  which  the  utmost 
vigilance  of  the  German  authorities  has  been 
unable  to  suppress. 

Once  upon  a  time  Doctor  Bethman-Holweg 
went  up  to  heaven.  The  pearly  gates  were  shut, 
but  he  began  to  push  his  way  through  in  the  usual 
German  fashion.  St.  Peter  rushed  out  of  his 
lodge,  much  annoyed  at  the  commotion. 

"  Hi,  there,  who  are  you?  "  he  demanded. 

"  I  am  Doctor  Von  Bethman-Holweg,  the  in>- 
perial  chancellor,"  was  the  haughty  reply. 

7 


BEST      SHORT      STORIliS 

"Well,  you  don't  seem  to  be  dead;  what  are 
you  doing  around  here?" 

"  I  want  to  see  God." 

"Sorry,"  replied  St.  Peter,  "but  1  don't  think 
you  can  see  him  to-day;  in  fact,  he's  not  very 
well." 

"Ah,  I'm  distressed  to  hear  that,"  said  the 
chancellor  somewhat  more  politely.  "What 
seems  to  be  the  trouble?" 

"We  don't  quite  know,  but  we  are  afraid  it  is  a 
case  of  exaggerated  ego,"  answered  St.  Peter. 
"He  keeps  walking  up  and  down,  occasionally 
striking  his  chest  with  his  clenched  fist,  and  mut- 
tering to  himself:  'I  am  the  kaiser!  I  am  the 
kaiser!'" 

"Dear  me!  that  is  really  very  sad,"  said  the 
chancellor  in  a  still  kindlier  tone.  "  Now  I  happen 
to  be  the  bearer  of  a  communication  from  my 
imperial  master;  perhaps  it  might  cheer  him  up 
to  hear  it." 

"What  is  it?" 

"Why,  the  emperor  has  just  issued  a  decree, 
providing  that  in  future  he  shall  have  the  use  of 
the  nobiliary  particle;  from  henceforth  he  will 
have  the  right  to  call  himself  'Von  Gott'." 

"Step  right  in,  your  excellency,"  interrupted 
St.  Peter,  "I  am  very  sure  the  new  Graf  will 
8 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

be  much  gratified  to  learn  of  the  honor  done  him. 
Third  door  to  the  right.  Mind  the  step.  Thank 
you." 


A 


UNCHANGEABLE 

STORY  about  Lord  Kitchener,  who  was 
often  spoken  of  as  "  the  most  distinguished 
bachelor  in  the  world,"  is  being  told.  A  young 
member  of  his  staff  when  he  was  in  India  asked 
for  a  furlough  in  order  to  go  home  and  be  mar- 
ried. Kitchener  listened  to  him  patiently  then 
he  said: 

"  Kenilworth,  you're  not  yet  twenty-five. 
Wait  a  year.  If  then  you  still  desire  to  do  this 
thing  you  shall  have  leave." 

The  year  passed.  The  officer  once  more 
proffered  his  request. 

"After  thinking  it  over  for  twelve  months," 
said  Kitchener,  "you  still  wish  to  marry?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

'  Very  well,  you  shall  have  your  furlough.  And 
frankly,  my  boy,  1  scarcely  thought  there  was  so 
much  constancy  in  the  masculine  world." 

Kenilworth,  the  story  concludes,  marched  to 
the  door,  but  turned  to  say  as  he  was  leaving: 
"Thank  you,  sir.    Only  it's  not  the  same  woman." 

9 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
HE   KNEW   THE   LAW 

AN  OLD  colored  man  charged  with  steah'ng 
chickens  was  arraigned  in  court  and  was 
incriminatinghimself  when  the  judge  said: 

"  You  ought  to  have  a  lawyer.  Where's  your 
lawyer?" 

"Ah  ain't  got  no  lawyer,  jedge,"  said  the  old 
man. 

"Very  well,  then,"  said  his  honor,  "I'll  assign  a 
lawyer  to  defend  you." 

"Oh,  no,  suh;  no,  suh!  Please  don't  do  datl" 
the  darky  begged, 

"Why  not?"  asked  the  judge.  "It  won't  cost 
you  anything.     Why  don't  you  want  a  lawyer? " 

"Well,  jedge,  Ah'll  tell  you,  suh,"  said  the  old 
man,  waving  his  tattered  old  hat  confidentially. 
"  Hit's  dis  way.  Ah  wan'  tah  enjoy  dem  chickens 
mahse'f." 


A       SERMON      ON      THE      WAR      BY 
PARSON       BROWN 

THE  historic  colored  preacher  who  held 
forth  so  strenuously  after  the  Civil  War 
has  almost  become  obsolete,  but  in  certain  sections 
he  still  holds  his  own,  as  the  following  sermon, 
taken  from  Life,  will  show: 

Brederen  an'  Sisterin:     1  done  read  de  Bible 

lO 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

from  kiver  to  kiver,  from  lid  to  lid  an'  from  end  to 
end,  an'  nowhar  do  I  find  a  mo'  'propriate  tex'  at 
dis  time,  when  de  whole  worl'  is  scrimmigin'  wid 
itse'f,  dan  de  place  whar  Paul  Pinted  de  Pistol 
at  de  Philippines  an'  said,  "  Dou  art  de  man." 

Kaiser  Bill  ob  Germany  is  de  man,  an'  Uncle 
Sam  done  got  de  pistol  pinted  his  way,  an'  goin'  to 
pull  de  trigger,  lessen  Bill  gits  off  his  perch,  like  dat 
woman  Jezebel  dat  sassed  Ahab  from  de  roof  top. 

Ahab  say  to  his  soldiers,  "Go  up  an'  th'ow 
dat  woman  down,"  an'  dey  th'ew  her  down.  Den 
he  say,  "Go  up  an'  th'ow  her  down  again,"  an'  dey 
th'ew  her  down  again ;  an'  he  say,  "  Take  her  back 
up  an  th'ow  her  down  seben  times,"  an'  dey 
th'owed  her  down  seben  times,  an'  ast  if  dat 
ain't  enough. 

But  Ahab  done  got  his  dander  up,  an'  say, 
"No!  Dat  ain't  enough.  Th'ow  her  down 
sebenty  times  seben." 

And  afterwards  dey  done  pick  up  twelve  bas- 
kets ob  de  fragments  dereob. 
i«  Dat's  what  gwine  ter  happen  ter  dat  Bill  Heah 
Him  Hollerin. 

De  Good  Book  done  fo'told  dis  here  war,  an'  jist 

how  it  gwine  ter  end.     Don't  it  say  about  de  four 

beasts  in  de  book  of  Relations,  what  spit  fire  an' 

brimstone,   meanin'   de    Kaiser,  de    Turks,    de 

II 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Ostriches,  and  de  Bullgeraniums,  case  two  ob  dem 
beasteses  is  birds,  an'  Ostriches  an'Turkys  is  birds. 
De  bigges'  beast  is  de  Kaiser,  case  he  uses  Germans 
to  pizen  his  enemies.  De  newspapers  say  as  how 
diseases  is  all  caused  by  Germans  gittin'  in  de  food 
an'  bein'  breathed  in  de  lungs,  givin'  folks  hydro- 
phobia an'  lumbago  an'  consumption. 

Dis  brings  us  to  de  time  when  Abraham  led  de 
chill.un  ob  Israel  into  Egypt,  an'  Moses  led  'em  out 
again  case  de  folks  ob  Egypt  so  bad  dey  shoot 
craps  all  day,  and  eben  make  Faro  de  king.  Dey 
take  all  de  money  'way  from  de  Jews  an'  raise  de 
price  ob  cawn  an'  hay  till  de  po'  Jews  can't  live. 

Rockefeller-Morgan  Faro,  de  king,  say  dey 
can't  go,  but  Moses  done  got  de  Lawd  on  his 
side,  an'  he  crossed  de  Red  Sea  in  submarines,  so 
Faro  got  drowned  wid  all  his  host.  De  mummy 
ob  dat  same  Faro  is  still  alive  in  de  big  museums 
ob  de  world,  but  whar  de  host  is  no  man  can  tell. 

Dat  de  way  de  Wall  Street  gang  dat  been  raisin' 
de  price  ob  food  gwine  ter  pass  in  dey  checks — in 
de  Red  Sea  ob  blood  ob  dis  war. 

Moses  an'  de  Jews  went  trabelin'  ober  de  desert 
till  one  day  dey  gits  so  hungry  dey  makes  a  fatted 
calf  ob  gold  while  Moses  up  on  Mount  Sinai  gittin' 
de  law  laid  down.  Moses  come  er-cussin'  back  an' 
busted  de  Law  ober  Aaron's  head,  an'  den  dey 

12 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

killed  de  fatted  calf  an'  put  a  ring  on  his  finger. 
For  de  prodigal  done  return,  an'  dey  is  mo'  re- 
joicin'  ober  one  sinner  sabed  dan  ninety  an'  nine 
what  doan  know  'nuflf  to  put  deir  money  in  de 
contribution  box  instead  ob  shootin'  it  'way  on 
craps. 

Oh,  1  knows  you  backsliders,  an'  ef  any  ob  you 
doan  come  across  while  Dekin  Jones  passes  de 
box,  I'se  gwine  ter  preach  nex'  Sunday  on  what 
happened  ter  de  money-chasers  in  de  temple. 

We  will  now  sing  two  verses  ob  "Th'ow  Out 
de  Lifeline,  Anoder  Ship  Sinkin'  To-day." 


T 


"over    here 

HE  hobo  knocked  at  the  back  door  and  the 
lady  of  the  house  appeared. 

"  Lady,"  he  said,  "  1  was  at  the  front " 

"You  poor  man!"  she  exclaimed.  "One  of 
war's  victims.  Wait  till  1  get  you  some  food,  and 
you  shall  tell  me  your  story.  You  were  in  the 
trenches,  you  say?" 

"  Not  in  the  trenches.     I  was  at  the  front " 

"  Don't  try  to  talk  with  your  mouth  full.  Take 
your  time.  What  deed  of  heroism  did  you  do  at 
the  front?" 

"Why,  I  knocked,  but  1  couldn't  make  nobody 
hear,  so  I  came  around  to  the  back." 
13 


best    short    stories 

life's    eternal    query 

DI D  it  ever  occur  to  you  that  a  man's  life  is 
full  of  cussedness?  He  comes  into  the 
world  without  his  consent,  and  goes  out  against 
his  will,  and  the  trip  between  is  exceedingly 
rocky. 

When  he  is  little,  the  big  girls  kiss  him;  when  he 
is  big,  the  little  girls  kiss  him.  If  he  is  poor,  he  is 
a  bad  manager;  if  he  is  rich,  he's  a  crook.  If  he 
is  prosperous,  everybody  wants  to  do  him  a 
favor;  if  he  needs  credit,  they  hand  him  a  lemon. 

If  he  is  in  politics,  it  is  for  graft;  if  out  of 
politics,  he  is  no  good  to  his  country.  If  he 
doesn't  give  to  charity,  he's  a  tightwad;  if  he 
does,  it's  for  show.  If  he  is  actively  religious, 
he  is  a  hypocrite;  and  if  he  takes  no  interest  in 
religion,  he  is  a  heathen. 

If  he  is  affectionate,  he  is  a  soft  mark;  if  he  cares 
for  no  one,  he  is  cold-blooded.  If  he  dies  young, 
there  was  a  great  future  for  him ;  if  he  lives  to  an 
old  age,  he  missed  his  calling. 

If  you  don't  fight,  you're  yellow;  if  you  do, 
you're  a  brute. 

If  you  save  your  money,  you're  a  grouch;  if 
you  spend  it,  you're  a  loafer;  if  you  get  it,  you're  a 
grafter,  and  if  you  don't  get  it,  you're  a  bum. 

So  what's  the  use  ? 

14 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
HIGH   FINANCE 

EVEN  certain  professors,  who  are  supposed  to 
be  immune  from  commercial  inducements 
are  sometimes  financially  overcautious.  A  party 
of  tourists  were  watching  Professor  X  as  he  ex- 
humed the  wrapt  body  of  an  ancient  Egyptian. 

.  "Judging  from  the  utensils  about  him,"  re- 
marked the  professor,  "this  mummy  must  have 
been  an  Egyptian  plumber," 

"Wouldn't  it  be  interesting,"  said  a  romantic 
young  lady,  "  if  we  could  bring  him  to  life?" 

"  Interesting,  but  a  bit  risky,"  returned  Profes- 
sor X.  "Somebody  might  have  to  pay  him  for 
his  time." 


MATRIMONIAL      PROFUNDITY 

A  YOUNG  planter  in  Mississippi  had  an  old 
servant  called  Uncle  Mose,  who  had  cared 
for  him  as  a  child  and  whose  devotion  had  never 
waned.  The  young  man  became  engaged  to  a 
girl  of  the  neighborhood  who  had  a  reputation 
for  unusual  beauty  and  also  for  a  very  violent 
temper.  Noticing  that  Uncle  Mose  never  men- 
tioned his  approaching  marriage,  the  planter 
said: 

"Mose,  you  know  I  am  going  to  marry  Miss 
Currier?" 

15 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Yassuh,  1  knows  it." 

"  1  haven't  heard  you  say  anything  about  it," 
persisted  the  planter. 

"No,  suh,"  said  Mose.  "Tain't  fo'  me  to  say 
nothin'  'bout  it.     I'sgot  nothin'  to  say."' 

"But  you  must  have  some  opinion  about  so 
important  a  step  on  my  part." 

"Well,  suh,"  said  the  old  negro  with  some 
hesitation,  "yo'  knows  one  thing — the  most 
p'izonest  snakes  has  got  the  most  prettiest 
skins." 


THE      NEW      REGIME 

THE  new  change  in  social  conditions  to  be 
brought  about  by  the  war  is  illustrated  in 
the  following  advertisements  taken  from  Life: 
SITUATIONS  W/^NTED 

HUSBAND  AND  WIFE  would  like  position  as  gardener  and 
cook,  or  will  do  anything.     23  years  in  last  place  as  czar  and 
czarina.     Salary  not  so  important  as  permanent  place  in  quiet, 
peaceful  atmosphere.    Address  Romanoff,  this  paper. 

EMPLOYERS,  giving  up  royalty,  would  like  to  secure  position 
for  their  king.  Steady,  experienced,  thoroughly  broken  to 
crown  and  sceptre.  Distance  no  objection.  Will  go  any- 
where. Small  salary  to  start.  Constantine,  49  Greece,  in 
rear.     (Ring  Sophy's  bell.) 

YOUNG  MONARCH,  28  years  old,  4  years  as  king  in  last 

place,  would  accept  like  position  in  small,  tranquil  country, 

Latin  preferred.     No  objection  to  South  America.     Light, 

16 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

rangy  and  stylish,  very  fast,  and  thoroughly  broken  to  bombs 
and  revolutions.     Manuel  J.  Portugal,  London. 

KING  AND  QUEEN,  Swedish,  expecting  to  make  change 
shortly,  would  like  position  as  gardener  and  coachman,  cook' 
and   laundress.     Good   home   more   important   than   salary. 
Ai  references.     Address  Gus  and  Vicky,  care  this  paper. 

EMPEROR,  29  years  as  Kaiser  in  present  position,  expecting 
to  be  at  liberty  shortly,  owing  to  change  in  employers' 
circumstances,  would  like  place  as  assassin,  or  pig-sticker  in 
abattoir.  No  aversion  to  blood.  Cool,  resourceful,  deter- 
mined.   Address  Efficient,  care  this  paper. 


WHERE      IGNORANCE      IS      BLISS 

THUS,  seeking  to  be  kind  and  fraternal,  but  at 
the  same  time  perfectly  honest,  if  we  make 
mistakes,  we  may  still  comfort  ourselves  with  the 
assurance  which  his  Irish  Catholic  servant  once 
expressed  to  the  devout  and  learned  Bishop 
Whately. 

"Do  you  really  believe,"  he  asked  her,  "that 
there  is  no  salvation  outside  of  the  Roman  Cath- 
olic Church?" 

"Shure,  an'  I  do,"  she  replied,  "for  that's  what 
the  praist  ses." 

"  Well,  then,  what  is  going  to  become  of  me?  " 

"Oh,  that's  all  right,"  she  answered,  with  an 
Irish  twinkle  in  her  eyes.  "  Yer  riverence  will  be 
saved  by  yer  ignorince." 

17 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
WHEN      THE      "s"      FELL      OUT 

WE  ARE  thorry  to  thay,"  explained  the 
editor  of  the  Skedunk  Weekly  News,  "  that 
our  compothing-room  wath  entered  lath  night  by 
theme  unknown  thcoundrel,  who  thtole  every 
'eth'  in  the  ethtablithment,  and  thucceeded  in 
making  hith  ethcape  undetected. 

"The  motive  of  the  mithcreant  doubtleth  wath 
revenge  for  thome  thuppothed  inthult. 

"  It  thall  never  be  thaid  that  the  petty  thpite 
of  any  thmall-thouled  villain  hath  dithabled  the 
Newth,  and  if  thith  meet  the  eye  of  the  detethtable 
rathcal,  we  beg  to  athure  him  that  he  undereth- 
timated  the  rethourceth  of  a  firtht-clath  newth- 
paper  when  he  thinkth  he  can  cripple  it  hope- 
lethly  by  breaking  into  the  alphabet.  We  take 
occathion  to  thay  to  him  furthermore  that  before 
next  Thurthday  we  thall  have  three  timeth  ath 
many  etheth  ath  he  thtole. 

"  We  have  reathon  to  thuthpect  that  we  know 
the  cowardly  thkunk  who  committed  thith  act  of 
vandalithm,  and  if  he  ith  ever  theen  prowling 
about  thith  ethtablithment  again,  by  day  or  by 
night,  nothing  will  give  uth  more  thatithfaction 
than  to  thoot  hith  hide  full  of  holeth.'-V^ 


i8 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
FULL   PARTICULARS   FREE 

THEY  were  seated  in  a  tramcar — the  mother 
and  her  little  boy. 

The  conductor  eyed  the  little  boy  suspiciously. 
He  had  to  keep  a  lookout  for  people  who  pre- 
tended that  their  children  were  younger  than 
they  really  were,  in  order  to  obtain  free  rides  for 
them. 

"And  how  old  is  your  little  boy,  madam, 
please?" 

"Three  and  a  half,"  said  the  mother  truthfully. 

"  Right,  ma'am,"  said  the  conductor,  satisfied. 

Little  Willie  pondered  a  minute.  It  seemed  to 
him  that  fuller  information  was  required. 

"And  mother's  thirty-one,"  he  said  politely. 


THEY      WERE      SO      GLAD      TO      SEE 
H  I  M 

1AM  taking  some  notes  about  civic  pride," 
said  the  urbane  stranger,  as  he  wandered 
into  the  up-to-date  community.  "  I  suppose 
you  have  such  a  thing?  " 

"Well,  I  should  say  we  had,"  said  the  corner 
real  esiate  agent.     "  I  am  loaded  with  it  myself." 

"  Good ! "  replied  the  agent,  taking  out  his  memo- 
book.  "  I'll  make  a  note  of  it.  This,  you  will 
understand,  is  a  more  or  less  scientific  inquiry,  and 

•9 


BEST      SHORT      SIORIES 

1  shall  make  my  estimates  as  carefully  as  possible, 
with  all  due  regard  to  the  human  equation.  Who, 
should  you  say,  has  the  most  civic  pride  in  town?" 

"That  is  some  problem,"  replied  the  agent, 
"but  you  might  go  across  the  way  to  the  Woman's 
Club.  Out  of  courtesy  to  the  ladies  I  am  ready  to 
yield  the  palm." 

"  Yes,"  said  the  president  of  the  Woman's  Club 
when  she  had  heard  the  visitor's  errand.  "We 
have  the  most  civic  pride,  of  course.  The  Town 
Council  thinks  it  has,  and  the  Board  of  Education 
thinks  it  has,  but  pay  no  attention  to  them;  we  are 
on  the  job  day  and  night;  as  a  factory  for  turning 
out  civic  pride,  nobody  in  this  vicinity  can  beat 
us.  You  want  to  hear  my  lecture  on  the  subject 
at  the  next  meeting." 

"Thanks,"  said  the  visitor,  "but  you  will 
appreciate  that  in  these  piping  times  of  war,  1  am 
a  busy  man,  and  must  hurry  on.  Has  anybody 
else  any  civic  pride  here  that  you  could  name?" 

He  was  presented  with  a  list  and  went  about 
town  getting  them  all  down.  At  the  end  of 
several  days,  all  the  organizations  in  town  that 
dealt  in  civic  pride  got  together  and  arranged  for  a 
banquet  for  the  distinguished  stranger.  They 
were  immensely  proud  that  he  had  come  among 
them. 

20 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

It  was  a  great  affair.  The  mayor,  who  was 
swelling  with  civic  pride,  vied  with  the  president  of 
the  Woman's  Club,  it  was,  indeed,  a  neck-and- 
neck  race  between  them  as  to  who  had  the  greater 
quantity  of  civic  pride. 

At  the  end  of  the  banquet,  when  they  were  all 
bidding  the  guest  good-bye  with  tears  streaming 
down  their  faces,  the  only  pessimist  in  town  got 
up  and  said : 

"  Excuse  me,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  for  obtrud- 
ing my  repellent  personality  on  this  joyful  assem- 
blage, but  our  dear  guest  will  not,  I  am  sure, 
object  to  answering  a  simple  question.  I  have  no 
civic  pride  myself,  but  do  you  mind,  sir,  telling  me 
the  object  of  your  visit  to  this  lovely  little  burg?" 

"Certainly  not,"  said  the  guest,  as  he  prepared 
to  take  a  quick  slant  through  the  door,  "no 
objection  at  all.  You  see,  my  friends,  civic  pride 
is  the  only  thing  that  the  government  hasn't  taxed. 
You'll  get  your  bills  a  little  later,  based  on  your 
own  estimates.  Much  obliged  for  all  your  first- 
hand information." 


J 


HAD      TO      BE      SETTLED 

OHNNY,  it  was  very  wrong  for  you  and  the 

boy  next  door  to  fight." 
"We  couldn't  help  it,  father." 

21 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Could  you  not  have  settled  your  differences 
by  a  peaceful  discussion  of  the  matter,  calling 
in  the  assistance  of  unprejudiced  opinion,  if  need 
be?" 

"  No,  father.  He  was  sure  he  could  whip  me 
and  I  was  sure  1  could  whip  him,  and  there  was 
only  one  way  to  find  out." 


STILL      UNBEATEN 

THE  sergeant-major  had  the  reputation  of 
never  being  at  a  loss  for  an  answer.  A 
young  officer  made  a  bet  with  a  brother  officer 
that  he  would  in  less  than  twenty-four  hours  ask 
the  sergeant-major  a  question  that  would  baffle 
him. 

The  sergeant-major  accompanied  the  young 
officer  on  his  rounds,  in  the  course  of  which  the 
cook-house  was  inspected.  Pointing  to  a  large 
copper  of  water  just  commencing  to  boil,  the 
officer  said : 

"  Why  does  that  water  only  boil  round  the  edges 
of  the  copper  and  not  in  the  centre?" 

"The  water  round  the  edge,  sir,"  replied  the 
veteran,  "is  for  the  men  on  guard;  they  have  their 
breakfast  half  an  hour  before  the  remainder  of 
the  company." 

22 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
ACCOUNTING      FOR      IT 

LEVI  COHEN  was  looking  very  dejected. 
-/  That  morning  he  left  the  house  with  five 
pounds  in  his  pocket  to  try  his  luck  at  the  races, 
but,  alas!  he  had  returned  at  nightfall  footsore 
and  weary,  and  nothing  in  his  possession  but  a 
bad  half-penny. 

No  wonder  his  better  half  was  in  a  bad 
temper.  "How  is  it,"  she  snapped,  "that  you're 
so  unlucky  at  the  races,  and  yet  you  always  win 
at  cards?" 

"Well,  my  dear,"  responded  Levi,  meekly, 
"you  see,  it's  this  way:  I  don't  shuffle  the 
horses." 


HIS      LACK 

A  KEEN-EYED  mountaineer  led  his  over- 
grown son  into  a  country  schoolhouse. 

"This  here  boy's  arter  larnin',"  he  announced. 
"What's  yer  bill  o' fare?" 

"Our  curriculum,  sir,"  corrected  the  school- 
master, "embraces  geography,  arithmetic,  trigo- 
nometry  " 

"That'll  do,"  interrupted  the  father.  "That'll 
do.  Load  him  up  well  with  triggernometry. 
He's  the  only  poor  shot  in  the  family." 

23 


BEST      SHORl       STORIES 
A      REVISED      CLASSIC 

NOW,  my  dear  girl,"  said  Bluebeard,  "re- 
member you  can  go  anywhere  in  the  house 
but  the  pantry.  That  is  locked  up.  and  the  key 
will  be  placed  under  the  mat.  Remove  it  at 
your  peril." 

Consumed  with  curiosity,  Mrs.  Bluebeard 
could  scarcely  wait  until  her  husband  had  cranked 
his  machine  before  she  was  trying  the  key.  It 
fitted  perfectly.  She  turned  it,  and  entered. 
Within  was  the  finest  collection  of  provisions  that 
she  had  ever  seen:  at  least  a  hundred  dozen  eggs 
preserved  in  water,  sacks  of  potatoes,  barrels  of 
wheat — in  fact,  a  complete  commissary  depart- 
ment. 

And  then,  as  she  looked  out  of  the  window,  she 
gave  a  faint  scream.  Her  husband  was  return- 
ing. He  had  a  puncture.  She  retained  her 
presence  of  mind,  however,  long  enough  to  step 
to  the  telephone.  Just  as  she  had  finished  de- 
livering the  message  Bluebeard  entered. 

"Ha!"  he  exclaimed.  "So  you  have  forced 
the  pantry.  I  see  fiour  on  your  lips.  Prepare  to 
die." 

Mrs.  Bluebeard  only  smiled. 

"Not  so  fast,"  she  muttered.    At  this  moment 
Herbert  Hoover  entered  the  house. 
24 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"So  you  are  the  wretch  who  has  been  storing 
up  private  food  supplies,  contrary  to  my  orders!" 
he  exclaimed.     "  Ninety  days  in  jail ! " 

Whereupon  Mrs.  Bluebeard,  waving  her  late 
lord  and  master  farewell,  prepared  to  beat  up  a 
luscious  eggnog. 


SCOTCH      THRILLS 

SANDY  MACPHERSON  came  home  after 
many  years  and  met  his  old  sweetheart. 
Honey-laden  memories  thrilled  through  the  twi- 
light and  flushed  their  glowing  cheeks. 

"Ah,  Mary,"  exclaimed  Sandy,  "ye' re  just  as 
beautiful  as  ye  ever  were,  and  1  ha'e  never  for- 
gotten ye,  my  bonnie  lass." 

"And  ye,  Sandy,"  she  cried,  while  her  blue 
eyes  moistened,  "are  just  as  big  a  leear  as  ever, 
an'  I  believe  ye  jist  the  same." 


HIS      APPLICATION 

AN  ALIEN,  wishing  to  be  naturalized,  applied 
to  the  clerk  of  the  office,  who  requested 
him  to  fill  out  a  blank,  which  he   handed  him. 
The  first  three  lines  of  the  blank  ran  as  follows: 
Name? 
Horn? 

25 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Business? 

The  answers  follow: 
Name,  Jacob  Levinsky. 
Bom,  Yes. 
Business,  Rotten. 


A      CLINCHER 

PAT  OTLAHERTY,  very  palpably  not  a 
prohibitionist,  was  arrested  in  Arizona 
recently,  charged  with  selling  liquor  in  violation 
of  the  Prohibition  law.  But  Pat  had  an  impreg- 
nable defense.  His  counsel,  in  addressing  the 
jury,  said: 

"Your  Honor,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  look  at 
the  defendant." 

A  dramatic  pause,  then: 

"Now,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  do  you  honestly 
think  that  if  the  defendant  had  a  quart  of  whiskey 
he  would  sell  it?" 

The  verdict,  reached  in  one  minute,  was  "Not 
guilty."  

SM A  RT Y 

A  FULL-BLOWN  second  lieutenant  was  en- 
deavoring to  display  his  great  knowledge  of 
musketry.  Sauntering  up  to  the  latest  recruit, 
he  said: 

26 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"See  here,  my  man,  this  thing  is  a  rifle,  this  is 
the  barrel,  this  is  the  butt,  and  this  is  where  you 
put  ihe  cartridge  in." 

The  recruit  seemed  to  be  taking  it  all  in,  so  the 
officer,  continuing,  said: 

"You  puv  the  weapon  to  your  shoulder;  these 
little  things  on  the  barrel,  are  called  sights;  then 
to  fire  you  pull  this  little  thing,  which  is  called  the 
trigger.  Now,  smarten  yourself  up,  and  remem- 
ber what  1  have  told  you ;  and,  by  the  way,  what 
trade  did  you  follow  before  you  enlisted?  A 
collier,  I  suppose!" 

"No,  sir,"  came  the  reply;  "  I  only  worked  as  a 
gunsmith  for  the  Government  Small  Arms  Fac- 
tory."   

THE      ECLIPSE      TO      ORDER 

ON  THE  evening  before  a  solar  eclipse  the 
colonel  of  a  German  regiment  of  infantry 
sent  for  all  the  sergeants  and  said  to  them: 

"  There  will  be  an  eclipse  of  the  sun  to-morrow. 
The  regiment  will  meet  on  the  parade  ground  in 
undress.  1  will  come  and  explain  the  eclipse  be- 
fore drill.  If  the  sky  is  cloudy  the  men  will  meet 
in  the  drill  shed,  as  usual." 

Whereupon  the  ranking  sergeant  drew  up  the 
following  order  of  the  day : 
27 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  To-morrow  morning,  by  order  of  the  colonel, 
there  will  be  an  eclipse  of  the  sun.  The  regiment 
will  assemble  on  the  parade  ground,  where  the 
colonel  will  come  and  superintend  the  eclipse  in 
person.  If  the  sky  is  cloudy  the  eclipse  will  take 
place  in  the  drill  shed." 


A      CONNOISSEUR 

TWO  brothers  were  being  entertained  by  a 
rich  friend.  As  ill  luck  would  have  it, 
the  talk  drifted  away  from  ordinary  topics. 

"  Do  you  like  Omar  Khayyam?"  thoughtlessly 
asked  the  host,  trying  to  make  conversation.  The 
elder  brother  plunged  heroically  into  the  breach. 

"  Pretty  well,"  he  said,  "  but  1  prefer  Chianti." 

Nothing  more  was  said  on  this  subject  until  the 
brothers  were  on  their  way  home. 

"  Bill,"  said  the  younger  brother,  breaking  a 
painful  silence,  "why  can't  you  leave  things  that 
you  don't  understand  to  me?  Omar  Khayyam 
ain't  a  wine,  you  chump;  it's  a  cheese." 


NOURISHMENT 


AN  OLD  South  Carolina  darky  was  sent  to  the 

i\     hospitalof  St.  Xavier  in  Charleston.    One  of 

the  gentle,  black-robed  sisters  put  a  thermometer 

28 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

in  his  mouth  to  take  his  temperature.  Pres- 
ently, when  the  doctor  made  his  rounds,  he  said : 

"  Well,  Nathan,  how  do  you  feel?" 

"  I  feel  right  tol'ble,  boss." 

"  Have  you  had  any  nourishment?" 

"Yassir." 

"What  did  you  have?" 

"A  lady  done  gimme  a  piece  of  glass  ter  suck, 
boss." 

HAD      HAD     TREATMENT 

HE  WAS  a  mine-sweeper,  and,  home  on  leave, 
was  feeling  a  bit  groggy.  He  called  to  see  a 
doctor,  who  examined  him  thoroughly. 

"You're  troubled  with  your  throat,  you  say?" 
said  the  doctor. 

"Aye,  aye,  sir,"  said  the  sailor. 

"  Have  you  ever  tried  gargling  it  with  salt  and 
water?"  asked  the  doctor. 

The  mine-sweeper  groaned. 

"1  should  say  so!"  he  said.  "I've  been  tor- 
pedoed seven  times!" 


HOW      HE      GOT      THEM 

A   BRITISH   soldier  was  walking  down  the 
Strand  one  day.     He  had  one  leg  off  and  an 
arm  off  and  both  ears  missing  and  his  head  was 
29 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

covered  with  bandages,  and  he  was  making  his 
way  on  low  gear  as  best  he  could,  when  he  was 
accosted  by  an  intensely  sympathetic  lady  who 
said: 

"Oh,  dear,  dear!  1  cannot  tell  you  how  sorry 
I  am  for  you.  This  is  really  terrible.  Can't'  I 
do  something?  Do  tell  me,  did  you  receive  all 
these  wounds  in  real  action?" 

A  weary  expression  came  over  that  part  of  the 
soldier's  face  that  was  visible  as  he  replied : 

"No,  madam;  I  was  cleaning  out  the  canary 
bird  cage,  and  the  d — d  bird  bit  me!" 


CitSAR      VISITS      CICERO, 

How  modern  are  the  old  fellows.  Here  is  a 
story  related  by  Cicero  in  one  of  his  letters 
which  will  recall  the  embarrassments  we  have 
ourselves  felt  in  the  presence  of  the  unexpected. 

Cicero  gives  an  account  to  his  friend  of  a  visit  he 
had  just  received  from  the  Emperor  Julius  Caesar. 
He  had  invited  Julius  to  pass  a  few  days  with 
him,  but  he  came  quite  unexpectedly  with  a 
thousand  men!  Cicero,  seeing  them  from  afar, 
debated  with  another  friend  what  he  should  do 
with  them  but  at  length  managed  to  encamp  them. 
To  feed  them  was  a  less  easy  matter.  The  em- 
peror took  everything  quite  easily,  however,  and 
30 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

was  very  pleasant,  "but,"  adds  Cicero,  "he  is  not 
the  man  to  whom  I  should  say  a  second  time,  'if 
you  are  passing  this  way,  give  me  a  call.' " 


WHY      BE      POLITE      ANYWAY? 

EVERY  seat  was  occupied,  when  a  group  of 
women  got  in.  The  conductor  noticed  a 
man  who  he  thought  was  asleep. 

"Wake  up!"  shouted  the  conductor. 

"  I  wasn't  asleep,"  said  the  passenger. 

"Not  asleep!  Then  what  did  you  have  your 
eyes  closed  for?" 

"  It  was  because  of  the  crowded  condition  of 
the  car,"  explained  the  passenger.  "  I  hate  to 
see  the  women  standing." 


THE      ARRIVAL      OF      WILHELM 

WHAT  may  be  the  Kaiser's  ultimate  fate  is 
thus  amusingly  told  by  Life  of  the  scene 
in  Hell  on  a  certain  day: 

"What's  all  the  racket  about?"  said  Satan, 
stepping  out  of  the  Brimstone  Bath,  where  he  was 
giving  two  or  three  U-boat  commanders  an 
extra  flaying. 

"  Poor  old  Hohenzollem  has  got  it  in  the  neck 
at  last,"  said  Machiavelli,  who  was  hosing  off 

3> 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  premises  with  vitriol  in  preparation  for  a  new 
squad  of  shirtwaist-factory  owners. 

Satan  Hstened  attentively.  Indeed,  it  was 
true.  The  Hohenzollerns  had  been  booted  oflf  the 
throne  of  Germany. 

"Well,  that's  tough,"  said  Satan.  "I  never 
could  see  why  they  chivied  those  poor  Hohen- 
zollerns so.  They  were  perfect  devils.  1  have 
often,  said  so.  Poor  old  Bill!  Why,  he  was 
one  of  the  best  pupils  1  ever  had.  1  heard  some- 
one say  that  he  had  made  Belgium  a  hell  upon 
earth.    Wasn't  that  a  compliment?  " 

"Not  only  that,"  said  Machiavelli;  "he  had 
the  novel  idea  of  making  the  sea  a  hell,  too.  He 
and  Tirpitz  did  magnificent  work.  Not  even  a 
party  of  schoolgirls  could  go  on  the  water  without 
getting  torpedoed.  They  drowned  I  don't  know 
how  many  innocent  women  and  children  in  a 
manner  worthy  of  the  highest  education." 

"That  deportation  of  non-combatants  from 
Lille  was  excellent,  too,"  mused  Satan. 

"Don't  forget  the  shooting  of  Miss  Cavell," 
said  Machiavelli.  "And  there  was  the  bombing 
of  unfortified  towns,  and  the  poison  gas.  Why, 
in  my  palmiest  days  1  never  thought  of  any- 
thing so  choice  as  that  poison  gas.  I  told  Borgia 
about  it,  and  she  went  green  with  envy." 
32 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"You're  right,  Mac,"  said  Satan,  treading  in 
his  excitement  on  a  captain  of  Uhlans  who  was 
hanging  out  to  cool;  "that  Kaiser  is  a  regular 
prince  of  darkness.  When  he  gets  down  here 
(and  I  guess  he  will  pretty  soon)  we'll  omit  the 
setting-up  exercises  and  put  him  right  into 
advanced  tactics.  Come  to  think  of  it,  there 
were  those  prison  camps,  too,  where  he  allowed 
captured  soldiers  to  rot  with  filth  and  disease 
without  any  physician s.     Excellent ! " 

"There's  only  one  drawback,"  said  Machiavelli 
regretfully.  "The  man  has  raised  so  much  hell 
on  earth  that  I  doubt  if  there's  much  we  can  teach 
him  down  here.  Really,  he's  not  an  amateur  at 
all,  but  a  professional.  I  don't  know  whether  it 
wouldn't  be  more  punishment  to  send  him  to 
heaven  instead.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  down  here 
he'll  feel  perfectly  at  home." 

"  I  guess  we  can  still  think  up  one  or  two  little 
novelties  for  him,"  said  Satan,  as  he  opened  a 
trap-door  and  let  a  dozen  of  Billy  Sunday's  con- 
verts drop  into  the  blazing  sulphur. 


immortal! 

WHEN   Julia  Ward    Howe   died   memorial 
services  in  her  honor  were  held  at  San 
Francisco,  and  the  local  literary  colony  attended 

33 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

practically  en  masse  to  pay  by  their  presence  a 
tribute  to  the  writer. 

A  municipal  officer  was  asked  to  preside.  Dressed 
in  his  long  frock  coat  and  his  broad  white  tie,  he 
advanced  to  the  edge  of  the  platform  to  launch  the 
exercises  and  introduce  the  principal  eulogist.  He 
bowed  low  and  spoke  as  follows: 

"Your  attendance  here,  ladies  and  gents,  in 
such  great  numbers  shows  San  Francisco's  ap- 
preciation of  good  literature.  This  meeting  is  a 
great  testimonial  to  the  immortal  author  of 
'Uncle  Tom's  Cabin' — the  late  Julia  Ward 
Howard!" 


ORIENTAL      POLITENESS 

-I  A  HLLIAM   M.   CHASE   used   to   tell   this 

"  I  was  standing  on  a  railway  platform  in  Japan, 
waiting  for  a  train,  and  whiling  away  my  time 
by  watching  a  particularly  beautiful  sunset. 

"Suddenly  a  freight  train  pulled  in  and,  stop- 
ping in  front  of  me,  cut  off  my  view.  Being  a 
good  American,  and  trained  in  a  very  proper 
respect  for  'business,'  1  merely  turned  philosophi- 
cally away  and  proceeded  to  look  at  something 
else,     in  a  moment,  however,  the  station  master 

34 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

appeared  at  my  side  and  inquired  with  tiie  politest 
of  bows  if  I  had  been  enjoying  the  sunset. 

"  1  admitted  that  I  had,  and  smihngly  accepted 
his  apology  for  the  intrusion  of  the  train.  'Of 
course  I  recognized  that  trains  were  the  first 
consideration  in  stations/  1  said. 

"  Imagine  my  surprise,  then,  when  the  little 
Japanese  shook  his  head  firmly.  'But  no,'  he  said, 
bowing  even  more  deeply  than  before,  'the  train 
must  not  be  allowed  to  obstruct  the  honorable 
artistic  traveler's  honorable  aesthetic  enjoyment' 
— or  words  to  that  effect.  'I  will  cause  it  to 
withdraw.' 

"  And  he  actually  did  precisely  that ! " 

alas!    TOO    late! 

THE  Englishman's  undying  love  for  certain 
civilized  things  is  thus  portrayed  by  R. 
Richard  Schayer  in  Life. 

In  a  gorse  bush  a  hundred  yards  beyond  his 
trench  lay  Lieutenant  Fitzhugh  Throckmorton  of 
the  King's  Own  Rifles,  asleep  at  his  post.  For 
hours  he  had  lain  there,  searching  the  position  of 
the  enemy  through  his  binoculars.  Overcome  by 
fatigue,  he  had  nodded,  drowsed,  and  finally 
slumbered. 

The  sun  hung  low  in  the  western  mists  when 

35 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Throckmorton  awoke.  He  glanced  at  his  wrist- 
watch  and  sprang  to  his  feet  with  an  oath.  Re- 
gardless of  peril,  he  turned  and  sprinted  toward  his 
trench.  His  was  not  a  nature  to  count  the  risk 
when  duty,  however  delayed,  called.  Every  Ger- 
man sniper  within  range  sent  shot  upon  shot  after 
the  flying  figure.  The  enemy's  trenches  took  up 
the  hunt  and  fairly  blazed  with  rifle  and  machine 
gun  fire.  The  bullets  hummed  in  Throckmor- 
ton's ears  like  a  swarm  of  savage  hornets.  They 
snarled  and  bit  at  the  turf  about  his  feet  like  a 
pack  of  wolves. 

With  a  last  desperate  burst  of  speed,  his 
clothing  tattered  with  bullet  holes,  the  Lieutenant 
gained  his  trench  and  leaped  down  to  its  cover. 
His  face,  wearing  an  expression  of  mingled  hope 
and  despair,  he  rushed  to  the  bomb-proof  dug-out 
where  sat  his  Colonel  and  brother  officers.  They 
looked  up  at  him  with  cold  eyes.  One  glance  and 
Throckmorton's  heart  failed  him.  He  was  too 
late. 

They  had  finished  tea. 


WHO      COULD      TELL? 

A  SCOTTISH  doctor  who  was  attending  a  laird 
had  instructed  the  butler  of  the  house  in  the 
art  of  taking  and  recording  his  master's  tempera- 
36 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

ture  with  a  thermometer.  On  paying  his  usual 
morning  call  he  was  met  by  the  butler,  to  whom 
he  said:  "Well,  John,  I  hope  the  laird's  tempera- 
ture is  not  any  higher  to-day?" 

The  man  looked  puzzled  for  a  minute,  and  then 
replied:  "Weel,  I  was  just  wonderin'  that  my- 
sel'.     Ye  see,  he  deed  at  twal'  o'clock." 


HE      couldn't      have      MISSED      IT 

THE  average  foreigner  can  rarely  comprehend 
the  geographical  area  of  the  United  States, 
as  was  quite  fully  illustrated  by  the  Englishman 
and  his  valet  who  had  been  traveling  due  west 
from  Boston  for  five  days.  At  the  end  of  the 
fifth  day  master  and  servant  were  seated  in  the 
smoking-car,  and  it  was  observed  that  the  man 
was  gazing  steadily  and  thoughtfully  out  of  the 
window.  Finally  his  companion  became  curious. 
"William,"  said  he,  "of  what  are  you  think- 
ing?" 

"  1  was  just  thinking,  sir,  about  the  discovery  of 
Hamerica,"  replied  the  valet.  "G^lumbus 
didn't  do  such  a  wonderful  thing,  after  all,  when 
he  found  this  country,  did  he,  now,  sir?  Hafter 
hall's  said  an'  done,  'ow  could  'e  'elp  it?" 

37 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
GUILTY 

THE  sniper  is  ever  prevalent  on  the  western 
front.  A  certain  Colonel,  who  was  by  the 
way  quite  unpopular  with  his  regiment,  was  one 
afternoon  sitting  in  a  shack,  when  a  report  was 
heard  and  a  bullet  whizzed  over  his  head. 

Calling  a  private,  he  said  testily: 

"Go  out  and  get  that  sniper." 

The  man  was  gone  for  some  time,  but  he  event- 
ually returned  with  Fritz.  He  had  not  got  him  in, 
however,  before  he  began  to  belabor  him  fiercely. 

"  What  are  you  beating  up  that  Hun  for?  "  asked 
a  comrade. 

"  He  missed  the  Colonel,"  whispered  the  other. 


ENVY 


MISS  AMY  LOWELL,  sister  of  President 
Lowell  of  Harvard,  is  not  only  a  dis- 
tinguished poetess,  being  by  many  considered  the 
head  of  the  Vers  Libre  school  in  this  country,  but 
she  is  also  the  guardian  of  a  most  handsome  and 
stately  presence. 

Oliver  Herford,  himself  a  poet  and  wit,  doubtless 
inspired  by  envy,  recently  remarked  of  her  that 

"One  half  of  Amy  Lowell  doesn't  know  how  the 
other  half  lives." 

38 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A      GENTLE      DISSOLUTION 

A  COUPLE  of  Philadelphia  youths,  who  had 
not  met  in  a  long  while,  met  and  fell  to  dis- 
cussing their  affairs  in  general. 

"  1  understand,"  said  one,  "that  you  broke  your 
engagement  with  Clarice  Collines." 

"No,  I  didn't  break  it." 

"Oh,  she  broke  it?" 

"No,  she  didn't  break  it." 

"But  it  is  broken?" 

"Yes.  She  told  me  what  her  raiment  cost, 
and  1  told  her  what  my  income  was.  Then  our 
engagement  sagged  in  the  middle  and  gently 
dissolved."  

A      FUTILE      EXPERIMENT 

WILLIAM  WILLIAMS  hated  nicknames. 
He  used  to  say  that  most  fine  given  names 
were  ruined  by  abbreviations,  which  was  a  sin  and 
a  shame.  "I  myself,"  he  said,  "am  one  of  six 
brothers.  We  were  all  given  good,  old-fashioned 
Christian  names,  but  all  those  names  were  short- 
ened int  >  meaningless  or  feeble  monosyllables 
by  our  'riends.  I  shall  name  my  children  so  that 
it  will  be  impracticable  to  curtail  their  names." 

The  Williams  family,  in  the  course  of  time,  was 
blessed  with  five  children,  all  boys.     The  eldest 

39 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

was  named  after  the  father — William.  Of  course, 
that  would  be  shortened  to  "  Will "  or  enfeebled  to 
"Willie" — but  wait!  A  second  son  came  and 
was  christened  Willard.  "Aha!"  chuckled  Mr. 
Williams,  "  Now  everybody  will  have  to  speak 
the  full  names  of  each  of  these  boys  in  order  to 
distinguish  them." 

In  pursuance  of  this  scheme  the  next  three  sons 
were  named  Wilbert,  Wilfred,  and  Wilmont. 

They  are  all  big  boys  now.  And  they  are  re- 
spectively known  to  their  intimates  as  Bill,  Skinny, 
Butch,  Chuck,  and  Kid. 


THEY      MEANT      TO      BE      PAID 

NO  MAN  is  ever  willing  to  admit  that  he 
has  any  prejudices.  But  sometimes  the 
facts  confront  him  sternly,  as  in  the  case  of  the 
two  gentlemen  in  the  following  dialogue: 

Briggs:  I  wonder  why  it  is  that  when  men 
like  Bryan  and  Billy  Sunday  accept  good  money 
we  have  a  tendency  secretly  to  despise  them. 

Griggs:  Well,  I  presume  because  hey  are 
posing  to  be  disinterested.  When  they  taxe  away 
such  big  returns  we  set  them  down  as  hypocrites. 

Briggs:  But  they  have  a  right  to  make  a  liv- 
ing. 

40 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Griggs:  You  might  say  that  of  any  one  else — 
any  get-rich-quick  chap,  for  example,  provided  he 
can  get  away  with  it. 

Briggs:  But  the  get-rich-quick  man  is  cheat- 
ing his  customers. 

Griggs:  Well,  a  good  many  people  feel  that 
both  Bryan  and  Sunday  are  cheating  their  cus- 
tomers. I  don't  say  they  are,  mind  you.  I  am 
only  giving  that  side  of  the  argument,  and,  ac- 
cording to  it,  they  are  deluding  their  customers 
with  false  hopes.  Bryan  says  that  a  combination 
of  free  silver,  grape  juice,  and  peace  will  cure  all 
ills,  and  he  gets  five  hundred  dollars  a  lecture  for 
saying  it.  Billy  Sunday  gets  thousands  of  dol- 
lars for  dragging  hell  out  into  the  limelight.  They 
are  both  popular  forms  of  amusement.  They 
divert  the  mind.  Why  shouldn't  they  be  paid? 
There  are  far  worse  moving-picture  shows  than 
Bryan  or  Sunday. 

Briggs:  You  believe  that,  now,  don't  you? 
Be  honest  and  say  it's  your  genuine  opinion,  and 
not  put  it  off  on  someone  else. 

Griggs  (Lowering  his  voice) :  Well,  I'll  tell  you, 
old  chap.  1  believe  it  about  Bryan,  but  not  about 
Sunday.  Sunday's  all  right.  He  hates  money! 
How  do  you  feel  about  it? 

Briggs:     You're  wrong.     I    believe   it   about 

4' 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Sunday,  but  not  about  Bryan.  Bill  Bryan  is  all 
right.  He's  a  patriot.  I  wouldn't  trust  Sun- 
day, but  W.  J.  Bryan's  whole  thought  is  for 
others.  (Looking  at  his  watch.)  Heavens!  I 
didn't  realize  it  was  so  late.     I  must  rush  oflF. 

Griggs:  Is  it  that  late?  I  must  hurry  away 
also.    Where  are  you  going? 

Briggs:  I'm  going  to  hear  Sunday.  Where 
are  you  going? 

Griggs  :     1  'm  going  to  hear  Bryan. 


A      POSER 

WHEN  James  B.  Reynolds  was  Assistant 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury,  Senator  Root 
sent  for  Mr.  Reynolds  one  day  to  discuss  with 
him  some  matters  concerning  a  trade  conference 
in  Paris  which  Mr,  Reynolds  had  been  selected  to 
attend. 

"I  suppose,"  said  Mr.  Root,  "you  speak 
French?" 

"Well,  yes,"  responded  Mr.  Reynolds.  "I 
know  a  little  French.  I  have  no  trouble  to  make 
the  waiters  and  the  cab  drivers  understand  me." 

"I    see,"  said    Mr.    Root.     "But,    Mr.    Rey- 
nolds, suppose  there  should  be  no  waiters  and 
cab  drivers  at  the  conference?" 
42 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
NO   DANGER 

MUCH  sobered  by  the  importance  of  the 
news  he  had  to  communicate,  youthful 
Thomas  strode  into  the  house  and  said  breath- 
lessly: 

"  Mother,  they  have  a  new  baby  next  door,  and 
the  lady  over  there  is  awful  sick.  Mother,  you 
ought  to  go  right  in  and  see  her." 

"  Yes,  dear,"  said  his  mother.  "  I  will  go  over 
in  a  day  or  two  just  as  soon  as  she  gets  better." 

"  But,  mother,"  persisted  Thomas.  "  1  think 
you  ought  to  go  in  right  away ;  she  is  real  sick,  and 
maybe  you  can  do  something  to  help." 

"Yes,  dear,"  said  the  mother  patiently,  "but 
wait  a  day  or  so  until  she  is  just  a  little  better." 

Thomas  seemed  much  dissatisfied  at  his 
mother's  apparent  lack  of  neighborly  interest, 
and  then  something  seemed  to  dawn  ufx)n  him, 
for  he  blurted  out: 

"Mother,  you  needn't  be  afraid — it  ain't 
catching." 


MIGHT      DRAW      BUSINESS 

BURTON    HOLMES,   the  lecturer,   had   an 
interesting    experience    while    in    London. 
He    told    some    Washington   friends   a   day   or 

43 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES; 

two  ago  that  when  he  visited  the  theatre  where 
he  was  to  dehver  his  travelogue  he  decided 
that  the  entrance  to  the  theatre  was  rather  dingy 
and  that  there  should  be  more  display  of  his 
attraction. 

Accordingly,  he  suggested  to  the  manager  of 
the  house  that  the  front  be  brightened  up  at 
night  by  electrical  signs,  one  row  of  lights  spelling 
his  name  "Burton"  and  another  row  of  lights 
spelling  the  name  "  Holmes." 

The  manager  told  him  it  was  too  much  of  an 
innovation  for  him  to  authorize  and  referred  him 
to  the  owner  of  the  theatre.  Mr.  Holmes  traveled 
several  hours  into  the  country  to  consult  with  the 
owner,  who  referred  him  to  his  agent  in  the  city. 
The  agent  in  turn  sent  Mr.  Holmes  to  the  janitor 
of  the  theatre. 

"I  talked  with  the  janitor  and  explained  my 
plan  to  him  for  about  an  hour,"  Mr.  Holmes  said. 
"  Finally,  after  we  had  gone  into  every  detail  of 
the  cost  and  everything  else,  the  janitor  told  me 
that  the  theatre  was  a  very  exclusive  and  high- 
class  theatre,  and  that  he  would  not  put  up  the 
sign.     I  asked  him  why?" 

"  Because  it  would  attract  too  much  attention 
to  the  theatre,"  the  janitor  replied. 


44 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
SAFE 

THE  fine  art  of  concealment  is  thus  formu- 
lated by  Carolyn  Wells,  writing  in  Life: 

Once  upon  a  time  there  lived  an  elderly  mil- 
lionaire who  had  four  nephews.  Desiring  to  make 
one  of  these  his  heir,  he  tested  their  cleverness. 

He  gave  to  each  a  one-hundred-dollar  bill,  with 
the  request  that  they  hide  the  bills  for  a  year  in 
the  city  of  New  York. 

Any  of  them  who  should  succeed  in  finding  the 
hidden  bill  at  the  end  of  the  year  should  share  in 
the  inheritance. 

The  year  being  over,  the  four  nephews  brought 
their  reports. 

The  first,  deeply  chagrined,  told  how  he  had 
put  his  bill  in  the  strongest  and  sure  t  safety 
deposit  vaults,  but,  alas,  clever  thieves  ha  1  broken 
in  and  stolen  it. 

The  second  had  put  his  bill  in  charge  of  a  tried 
and  true  friend.  But  the  friend  had  proved  un- 
trustworthy and  had  spent  the  money. 

The  third  had  hidden  his  bill  in  a  crevice  in  the 
floor  of  his  room,  but  a  mouse  had  nibbled  it  to 
bits  to  build  her  nest. 

The  fourth  nephew  calmly  produced  his  hun- 
dred-dollar bill,  as  crisp  and  fresh  as  when  it 
had  been  given  him. 

45 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"And  where  did  you  hide  it?"  asked  his  uncle 
"Too  easy!     I  stuck  it  in  a  hotel  Bible." 


COMPLIMENTS      OF      THE      DAY 

SOLDIERS  have  to  do  their  own  mending 
when  it  is  done  at  all,  and  it  appears — al- 
though few  persons  would  have  guessed  it — that 
the  thoughtful  War  Office  supplies  them  with  out- 
fits for  that  purpose.  Otherwise,  this  joke  would 
be  impossible. 

Everything  was  ready  for  kit  inspection;  the 
recruits  stood  lined  up  ready  for  the  officer,  and 
the  officer  had  his  bad  temper  all  complete.  He 
marched  up  and  down  the  line,  grimly  eyeing  each 
man's  bundle  of  needles  and  soft  soap,  and  then 
he  singled  out  Private  MacTootle  as  the  man  who 
was  to  receive  his  attentions. 

"Toothbrush?"  he  roared. 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Razor?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Hold-all?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Hm!  You're  all  right,  apparently,"  growled 
the  officer.    Then  he  barked : 

"Housewife?" 

46 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Oh,  very  well,  thank  you,"  said  the  recruit 
amiably.    "How's  yours?" 


MANNA 

THERE  is  a  story  of  Bransby  Williams,  famous 
impersonator  of  Dickens's  characters,  which 
will  come  home  to  many  of  us  in  these  days  of 
food  shortage. 

He  had  a  hard  time  before  he  "arrived,"  and 
hunger  was  a  familiar  companion.  One  night  he 
had  to  play  in  a  sketch  in  which  he  was  supposed 
to  consume  a  steak  pudding. 

"  Imagine  my  surprise,"  he  says,  "when  a  real, 
good,  smoking  hot  steak  and  kidney  pudding 
arrived  on  the  scene.  'My  eye!'  1  exclaimed  to 
myself.  1  had  to  cut  it  and  serve  it,  and  in  the 
ordinary  course  of  events  we  should  have  got 
through  this  stage  meal  in  about  five  or  six  min- 
utes. 

"But  not  to-night!  I  made  up  my  mind  that 
that  pudding  should  not  be  wasted,  but  eaten,  and 
I  commenced  in  earnest.  1  made  the  best  meal  I 
had  had  for  days,  and  improvised  conversation 
ttill  it  was  all  polished  off!" 


47 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
SHE   KNEW   HIM 

MR.  BUDGER  and  his  wife  were  contin- 
ually at  variance  regarding  their  indi- 
vidual capabilities  of  making  and  keeping  a  good 
fire.  He  contended  that  she  did  not  know  how  to 
make  a  fire,  nor  how  to  keep  one  after  it  was  made. 
She,  on  the  other  hand,  maintained  that  he  never 
meddled  with  the  fire  that  he  didn't  put  it  out — 
in  short,  that  he  was  a  perfect  fire  damper;  and, 
as  he  was  always  anxious  to  stir  up  things  in  the 
varous  fireplaces,  she  made  a  practice  of  hiding  the 
poker  just  before  it  was  time  for  him  to  come  into 
the  house.  One  night  there  was  an  alarm  of  fire  in 
the  village  and  Budger  flew  for  his  hat  and  coat. 

"  Where  are  you  going,  my  dear?  "  asked  his  wife. 

"Why,  there's  a  fire,  and  I'm  going  to  help  put 
it  out." 

"Well,  my  love,"  responded  Mrs.  Budger,  "I 
think  the  best  thing  you  can  do  is  to  take  the 
poker  along  with  you." 


A      G E T- R I C H - Q U I C K      SCHEME 

TWO  young  Irishmen  in  a  Canadian  regiment 
were  going  into  the  trenches  for  the  first 
time,  and  their  captain  promised  them  five  shill- 
ings each  for  every  German  they  killed. 
48 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Pat  lay  down  to  rest,  while  Mick  performed  the 
duty  of  watching.  Pat  had  not  lain  long  when  he 
was  awakened  by  Mick  shouting: 

"  They're  comin' !    They're  comin' ! " 

"Who's  comin  ?"  shouts  Pat. 

"The  Germans,"  replies  Mick. 

" How  many  are  there?" 

"About  fifty  thousand." 

"Begorra,"  shouts  Pat,  jumping  up  and  grab- 
bing his  rifle,  "our  fortune's  made!" 

A      FLATTERING      EXPLANATION 

A  STURDY  Scot,  6  feet  5  inches  in  height,  is  a 
gamekeeper  near  Strafford.  One  hot  day 
last  summer  he  was  accompanying  a  bumptious 
sportsman,  of  very  small  stature,  when  he  was 
greatly  troubled  by  gnats.    The  other  said  to  him: 

"  My  good  man,  why  is  it  that  the  gnats  do  not 
trouble  me?" 

"  1  daresay,"  replied  the  gamekeeper,  with  a  com- 
prehensive glance  at  the  other's  small  proportions, 
*'it  will  be  because  they  havna'  seen  ye  yet!" 


DIDNT      SUIT      HIM 

TIM  CASEY,  a  juror,  rose  suddenly  from  his 
seat  and  hastened  to  the  door  of  the  court- 
room.    He  was  prevented,  however,  from  leaving 

49 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  room,  and  was  sternly  questioned  by  the 
judge. 

"Yes,  your  honor,  I'll  explain  meself,"  said  the 
juror.  "When  Mr.  Finn  finished  his  talking  me 
mind  was  clear  all  through,  but  whin  Mr.  Evans 
begins  his  talkin'  I  becomes  all  confused  an'  says  I 
to  meself,  'Faith,  I'd  better  lave  at  once,  an' 
shtay  away  until  he  is  done,'  because,  your  honor, 
to  tell  the  truth,  I  didn't  like  the  way  the  argu- 
ment was  going." 


ON      HER      NERVES 

THE  local  pawnbroker's  shop  was  on  fire,  and 
among  the  crowd  of  spectators  was  an  old 
woman  who  attracted  much  attention  by  her  sobs 
and  cries  of  despair. 

"What  is  the  matter  with  you?"  a  fireman  said. 
"  You  don't  own  the  shop,  do  you?" 

"No,"  she  wailed,  "but  my  old  man's  suit  is 
pawned  there,  and  he  don't  know  it." 


CASH 

WE  CANNOT  deny  that  one  of  the  great 
questions  of  the  day  among  tradespeople 
is  how  to  get  their  bills  paid.  Neither  can  we 
deny  that  we  have   all   been  over-extravagant. 

50 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

This  little  story  (which  is  really  a  satire)  contains 
its  moral. 

One  bright  morning  Mr.  Dobson,  an  American 
gentleman  in  excellent  circumstances,  and  yet 
(quite  singular  to  relate  of  any  American  gentle- 
man!) constantly  harried  by  his  bills,  conceived 
of  a  brilliant  idea.  Thereupon  he  said  to  Mrs. 
Dobson : 

"  My  dear,  let  us  pay  cash  for  one  day." 

"How  absurd!" 

"  It  may  seem  so,  but  you  must  admit  that  it  is 
a  brand-new  idea,  and  therefore  worth  while  for 
you,  as  a  modern  woman,  to  try." 

This  was  the  only  possible  way  in  which  the 
astute  Mr.  Dobson  could  have  persuaded  his  wife 
to  try  his  ideas.  They  both  agreed,  and  he  gave 
her  a  hundred  dollars  in  bright,  new  bills.  Taking 
the  same  amount  himself,  he  began  his  day. 

It  would  be  easily  possible  for  us  to  make  a 
story  out  of  this  by  recording  the  incidents  of 
that  day.  But  they  would  be  too  painful  for 
modern  readers,  who  insist  upon  being  amused. 
Sufficient  is  it  to  observe  that  at  night  the  Dobsons 
met  each  other  face  to  face. 

"  1  have  been  grossly  insulted  by  four  people," 
said  Mrs.  Dobson,  who  looked  very  much  the 
worse  for  wear.     "  By  a  saleswoman  in  a  depart- 

51 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

ment  store,  my  milliner,  my  shoemaker,  and  my 
glovemaker.  I  offered  them  all  cash,  and  it  will 
take  years  to  reinstate  myself  with  them  again." 

"  I  got  in  wrong  with  my  haberdasher  and  my 
hatter,"  said  Dobson,  "and  then  quit  for  the  day. 
1  didn't  have  the  courage  to  attempt  to  buy  any- 
thing more.  Your  people,  by  the  way,  sent  collect- 
ors to  collect  last  month's  bills.  Also,  1  calculated 
this  afternoon  that  if  we  should  pay  cash  for  every- 
thing, it  would  cost  me  twice  my  income." 

"  How  much  does  it  cost  now?  " 

"  1  don't  know — that's  the  strange  part  of  it. 
But,  my  dear,  isn't  it  worth  while  to  learn  some- 
thing, even  by  making  such  a  mistake?" 

At  this  point  Mrs.  Dobson,  who  had  been  softly 
shedding  tears,  braced  up  and  impulsively  put 
her  arms  about  her  erring  husband's  neck. 

"Never  mind,  dear,"  she  said,  "we  must  face 
this  together.  We  are  probably  ruined,  but  we 
are  both  comparatively  young,  and  we  will  live 
it  down  side  by  side." 


TOO      MUCH 

IN  THESE  days  of  the  conservation  of  fuel 
no  wonder  a  certain  gentleman  was  disturbed. 
*'  You've  made  a  mistake  in  your  paper,"  said 
this  indignant  man,  entering  the  editorial  sanc- 

52 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

turn  of  a  daily  paper.  "  I  was  one  of  the  competi- 
tors at  that  athletic  match  yesterday,  and  you 
have  called  me  'the  well-known  light-weight 
champion.'" 

"  Well,  aren't  you?  "  inquired  the  editor. 

"No,  I'm  nothing  of  the  kind,  and  it's  con- 
foundedly awkward,  because  I'm  in  the  coal  busi- 
ness." 


MISTAKEN       IDENTITY? 

A  KINDERGARTEN      teacher   entering      a 
street-car    saw    a    gentleman    whose    face 
seemed  familiar,  and  she  said,  "Good  evening!" 

He  seemed  somewhat  surprised,  and  she  soon 
realized  that  she  had  spoken  to  a  stranger. 
Much  confused,  she  explained:  "When  1  first 
saw  you  I  thought  you  were  the  father  of  two  of 
my  children." 


s 


THIS   HAPPENED   IN   CHICAGO 

OME  time  after  the  Civil  War  James  Russell 
Lowell  was  asked  to  go  to  Chicago  to  deliver 
a  political  speech  upholding  the  Republican 
Party.  It  was  a  great  occasion,  for  Russell  was 
easily  the  foremost  literary  and  political  figure  of 
the  day,  and  his  coming  was  widely  advertised. 

53 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

But  at  the  last  moment,  just  before  the  address 
was  to  be  delivered,  for  certain  political  reasons 
it  was  deemed  inexpedient  by  the  managers  of 
the  affair  to  have  Russell  talk  politics,  and  so  a 
hurried  announcement  was  made  that  Mr. 
Russell,  instead  of  speaking  on  the  issues  of  the 
day,  would  deliver  his  celebrated  lecture  on 
Shakespeare.  This  he  did,  it  having  been 
correctly  described  by  critics  as  the  best  lecture  on 
the  great  poet  ever  delivered. 

After  the  lecture  was  over,  however,  one  of 
the  Chicago  politicians,  who  doubtless  had  never 
heard  of  Shakespeare,  was  in  his  disappointment 
led  to  exclaim : 

"Hum!  1  suppose  he  thought  anything  was 
good  enough  for  us ! " 


HAD      HEARD      HIM      BEFORE 

THE  critical  instinct  grows  by  what  it  is  fed 
upon.  No  matter  how  well  you  may  do, 
some  people  are  never  satisfied  and  this  is  es- 
pecially true  in  families. 

A  Philadelphia  divine  was  entertaining  a  couple 
of  clergymen  from  New  York  at  dinner.  The 
guests  spoke  in  praise  of  a  sermon  their  host  had 
delivered  the  Sunday  before.  The  host's  son 
was  at  the  table,  and  one  of  the  New  York 

54 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Clergymen  said  to  him:    "My  lad,  what  did  you 
think  of  your  father's  sermon?  " 

"  I  guess  it  was  very  good,"  said  the  boy,  "but 
there  were  three  mighty  fine  places  where  he  could 
have  stopped." 

HER      DOMESTIC      INSTINCTS 

WE  iMUST  not  always  look  down  upon  those 
innocent  people  who  may  not  have  had  the 
same  cultural  influences  we  have  had,  although 
it  is  some  difficult  not  to  smile  at  their  point  of 
view: 

Sir  Frederick  Kenyon,  the  Director  of  the  Brit- 
ish Museum  and  a  man  of  great  knowledge,  has 
had  all  sorts  of  funny  experiences  with  visitors 
there. 

Once  he  was  showing  a  distinguished  lady 
visitor  some  of  the  priceless  treasures  of  which  he 
is  the  custodian,  but  for  a  long  time  nothing 
seemed  to  interest  her  very  much. 

Then  suddenly  he  noticed  a  change.  Her 
face  lighted  up  and  she  leaned  forward. 

"What  is  it,  madam?"  asked  Sir  Frederick, 
gratified  at  this  tardy  sign  of  awakening  appre- 
ciation. "  Pray  do  not  hesitate  to  ask  if  there  is 
anything  you  would  like  to  know." 

"So  good  of  you!"  chirruped  the  lady.    "I 

55 


BEST      S  II  C  li  "I       S  1  O  R  I  E  S 

wish  you  would  tell  me  what  brand  of  blacklead 
you  use  on  those  iron  ventilators  that  are  let  into 
the  floor.  We  have  the  same  sort  of  things  at  my 
house,  but  my  maids  never  get  them  to  shine 
half  so  brilliantly." 


LAST      RESORT 

ANYBODY  who,  a  stranger,  has  tried  to 
find  his  way  about  Boston  will  understand 
the  experience  of  Mr.  Hubb,  a  native  who  was 
addressed  by  his  friend  Mr.  Penn,  from  Phil- 
adelphia. 

"They  say,"  remarked  Mr.  Penn,  "the  streets 
in  Boston  are  frightfully  crooked." 

"They  are,"  replied  Mr.  Hubb.  "Why,  do 
you  know,  when  1  first  went  there  I  could  hardly 
find  my  way  around." 

"That  must  be  embarrassing." 

"  It  is.  The  first  week  I  was  there  I  wanted  to 
get  rid  of  an  old  cat  we  had,  and  my  wife  got  me 
to  take  it  to  the  river  a  mile  away." 

"And  you  lost  the  cat  all  right?" 

"Lost  nothing!  I  never  would  have  found  my 
way  home  if  I  hadn't  followed  the  cat ! " 


56 


D 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
LOOKED      THAT      WAY 

ORIS  was  radiant  over  a  recent  addition 
to  the  family,  and  rushed  out  of  the  house 
to  tell  the  news  to  a  passing  neighbor. 

"Oh,  you  don't  know  what  we've  got  upstairs." 

"  What  is  it?"  the  neighbor  asked. 

"A  new  baby  brother,"  said  Doris,  and  she 
watched  very  closely  the  effect  of  her  announce- 
ment. 

"You  don't  say  so,"  the  neighbor  exclaimed. 
"Is  he  going  to  stay?" 

"I  think  so,"  said  Doris.  "He's  got  his 
things  off." 


COMRADES 

IN  A  trench  over  in  Flanders,  during  a 
slight  lull  in  the  engagement,  a  soldier  was 
making  an  impromptu  toilet.  He  lowered  his 
head  for  an  instant  and  thereby  caught  a  cootie. 
As  he  did  so,  a  shell  fragment  flew  by,  just  where 
his  head  had  been.  He  held  the  cootie  in  hand 
meditatively  for  a  moment,  and  then  said: 

"Old  fellow,  Oi  cawnt  give  you  the  Victoria 
Cross,  but  1  can  put  you  back!" 


57 


o 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
COMPARISON 

NE  of  the  ladies  who  first  introduced  inter- 
pretative dancing — whatever  that  is — into 
this  country  has  fleshened  up  considerably  since 
the  days  of  her  initial  terpsichorean  triumphs 
among  the  society  folk  along  the  eastern  sea- 
board. Nevertheless,  she  continues  to  give  per- 
formances to  select  audiences  of  artistic  souls. 

Not  long  ago  Finley  Peter  Dunne,  the  humor- 
ist, was  lured  to  one  of  these  entertainments. 
The  lady,  wearing  very  few  clothes,  and,  as  a 
result  of  their  lack,  looking  even  plumper  than 
usual,  danced  in  an  effect  of  moonlight  calcium 
beams. 

As  Dunne  was  leaving,  one  of  the  patronesses 
hailed  him. 

"Oh,  Mr.  Dunne,"  she  twittered,  "how  did 
you  enjoy  the  madame's  dancing?" 

"Immensely,"  said  Dunne.  "Made  me  think 
of  Grant's  Tomb  in  love." 


"next!" 

THE  wonders  of  modern  science  never  cease  to 
be  of  absorbing  interest  and  even  the  fol- 
lowing story,  which  is  supposed  to  take  place  in 
the  near  future,  may  be  more  realistic  than  we 
58 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

now  think  possible,  although  it  is  rather  hard  on 
our  good  friends  the  doctors. 

"  Be  seated,  sir,"  said  the  distinguished  prac- 
titioner. 

The  man  who  had  entered  the  doctor's  office  a 
few  moments  before  in  obedience  to  the  invita- 
tion sank  into  a  luxurious  chair.  The  doctor 
looked  at  him  casually,  and,  touching  an  indicator 
at  the  side  of  his  desk,  said: 

"What  a  pleasant  day." 

"Yes,  it  is." 

A  nurse  appeared  at  the  door. 

"Turn  on  number  nine  hundred  and  eleven," 
said  the  doctor. 

"Very  well,  sir." 

The  doctor  turned  to  the  patient. 

"  I  heard  a  most  amusing  story  the  other  day," 
he  said. 

"  But " 

"Just  a  moment.  I  am  quite  sure  you  will  be 
interested  in  hearing  it."     He  told  the  story. 

The  patient  stirred  impatiently  in  the  chair, 
although  the  story  was  amusing  and  he  laughed 
at  it. 

"  By  the  way,"  he  began,  looking  at  his  watch. 

The  doctor  got  up.  He  turned  off  the  switch 
at  his  desk. 

59 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  It  is  all  right,  sir.     You  may  go  now." 

"  But  I  came  in  to  see  you  about " 

"Yes,  the  operation  has  been  performed.  I 
should  be  a  little  bit  careful  for  a  few  days  if  I 
were  you.     Don't  play  golf  or  walk  excessively." 

"  You  mean  to  say  that " 

"Your  appendix  has  been  removed  in  accor- 
dance with  your  symptoms." 

The  patient  smiled  incredulously. 

"When  did  you  do  it?'"  he  asked, 

"While  you  were  sitting  there.  Perfectly  sim- 
ple.    1 1  was  absorbed." 

"  How  did  you  know  what  was  the  matter  with 
me?" 

"That  chair  sends  a  record  of  your  symptoms — 
in  fact,  diagnoses  your  case  completely — to  the 
laboratory.  All  you  needed  was  to  have  your 
appendix  removed,  and  by  turning  on  number 
nine  hundred  and  eleven  it  was  absorbed  in  three 
minutes.  Nothing  strange,  sir.  Quite  usual,  I 
assure  you." 

The  man  got  up.  His  face  grew  rather  pale. 
He  advanced  to  the  desk. 

"  How  much  do  1  owe  you?"  he  asked. 

The  doctor  smiled  again. 

"That  has  all  been  arranged,  sir/* 

"What  do  you  mean?" 
60 


B1$T      SHORT      STORIES 

"Aoeording  to  the  new  State  law  which  has 
just  gone  into  effect,  while  you  were  being  opera- 
ted on  your  property  was  transferred  to  me. 
Good  morning,  sir.    Call  again." 


MR.       SUNSHINE      AND      MR.      GLOOM 

CHANGING  others  over  to  suit  yourself  is 
not  always  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world, 
although  it  is  often  tried.  The  head  of  a  large 
firm  thought  he  would  try  it,  and  his  experience 
is  related  by  one  of  the  "  boys"  in  the  office: 

The  old  man — for  we  always  referred  to  the 
head  of  the  firm  in  this  way — called  the  young 
fellow  in  to  him  one  day  and  said : 

"  Look  here,  young  man;  you've  got  to  be  more 
agreeable.  1  want  everybody  in  this  place  to 
have  a  smiling  face.  If  1  didn't  think  you  had 
ability  I  would  have  fired  you  long  ago.  Your 
manners  are  bad.  Make  'em  better.  Don't  be  a 
grouch." 

The  young  chap  didn't  seem  to  take  kindly  to 
this  advice.  The  frown  on  his  face  was  still 
there.     But  he  bowed  and  said : 

"All  right,  sir." 

Then  the  old  man — for  it  was  his  busy  morn- 
ing— called  another  young  fellow  in  and  said: 
6i 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Look  here,  young  man;  I  don't  want  you  to 
be  so  genial.  You're  always  telling  funny 
stories  around  the  place  and  waiting  on  the  girls. 
Your  sunny  smile  is  all  right,  but  you  carry  it 
too  far.  Why,  when  you  come  around  every- 
body stops  work.     Get  down  to  business." 

"That  reminds  me,  sir,"  said  the  young  chap — 
but  his  employer  waved  him  off. 

"  Do  as  I  tell  you,"  he  said  sternly,  "or " 

At  the  end  of  another  week  the  old  man  called 
them  both  into  his  office. 

"Neither  of  you  seems  to  be  improving  in  the 
way  I  want.  But  I  have  an  idea.  I'm  going  to 
put  your  desks  next  to  each  other.  That  ought 
to  do  it.  You're  both  good  men,  but  you  lean  too 
far  in  the  opposite  directions.  Run  away  now 
and  act  on  each  other." 

At  the  end  of  still  another  week,  however,  when 
once  more  they  both  stood  in  front  of  him,  he 
betrayed  his  disappointment. 

"  It  doesn't  seem  to  work,"  he  exclaimed. 
"What's  the  matter  with  you  boys,  anyway?  I 
thought  my  experiment  would  cure  both  of  you, 
but  it  doesn't  seem  to  work." 

Turning  to  Mr.  Sunshine,  he  said: 

"Look  here;  why  hasn't  he  done  you  any 
good?" 

62 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Mr.  Sunshine  beamed  and  chuckled. 

"Well,  sir,"  he  said,  "I  can't  help  it.  Why, 
that  fellow  over  there  hasn't  got  a  thing  in  the 
world  to  worry  him.  He  isn't  married,  his  salary 
is  really  more  than  he  needs.  He  has  no  re- 
sponsibilities, and  if  he  should  die  to-morrow  no- 
body would  suffer.  But  he  hasn't  got  sense 
enough  to  have  a  good  time.  He  strikes  me  as 
being  such  a  joke  that  it  makes  me  laugh  harder 
than  ever." 

Turning  to  Mr.  Gloom,  the  old  man  said: 

"Well,  how  about  you?  Why  hasn't  this 
chap  done  you  any  good?" 

Mr.  Gloom  looked  more  sour  than  ever. 

"He  hasn't  the  slightest  idea  of  the  problems 
that  confront  me,"  he  said,  "or  what  I  suffer. 
But  what  really  makes  me  mad  is  this:  He  has 
a  wife  and  four  young  children  on  his  hands, 
on  the  same  salary  I  get.  How  they  manage  I 
don't  know.  It  isn't  living  at  all.  And  when  I 
see  a  fellow  like  that,  who  ought  to  be  worried  to 
death  all  the  time — and  who  would  be  if  he 
looked  the  facts  squarely  in  the  face — grinning 
and  telling  stories  like  a  minstrel,  it  makes  me  so 
d — d  mad  that  I  can't  see  straight." 


63 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
HER   OWN 

THERE  are  certain  family  privileges  which 
we  all  guard  jealously: 

An  attorney  was  consulted  by  a  woman  desirous 
of  bringing  action  against  her  husband  for  a 
divorce.  She  related  a  harrowing  tale  of  the 
ill-treatment  she  had  received  at  his  hands.  So 
impressive  was  her  recital  that  the  lawyer,  for 
a  moment,  was  startled  out  of  his  usual  profes- 
sional composure.  "From  what  you  say  this 
man  must  be  a  brute  of  the  worst  type!"  he 
exclaimed. 

The  applicant  for  divorce  arose  and,  with 
severe  dignity,  announced:  "Sir,  I  shall  con- 
sult another  lawyer.  I  came  here  to  get  advice 
as  to  a  divorce,  not  to  hear  my  husband  abused!" 


MARK      TWAIN      ON      MILLIONAIRES 

AT  ONE  time  in  his  varied  career  Mark 
Twain  was  not  only  poor,  but  he  did  not 
make  a  practice  of  associating  with  millionaires. 
The  paragraph  which  follows  is  taken  from  an 
open  letter  to  Commodore  Vanderbilt.  One 
paragraph  of  the  "Open  Letter"  is  worth  embalm- 
ing here: 

Poor  Vanderbilt!     How  I   pity  you:  and  this  is  honest. 
You  are  an  old  man,  and  ought  to  have  some  rest,  and  yet  you 

64 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

have  to  struggle,  and  deny  yourself,  and  rob  yourself  of  restful 
sleep  and  peace  of  mind,  because  you  need  money  so  badly.  I 
always  fee!  for  a  man  who  is  so  poverty  ridden  as  you.  Don't 
misunderstand  me,  Vanderbilt.  I  know  you  own  seventy 
millions:  but  then  you  know  and  1  know  that  it  isn't  what 
man  has  that  constitutes  wealth.  No — it  is  to  be  satisfied 
with  what  one  has;  that  is  wealth.  As  long  as  one  sorely  needs 
a  certain  additional  amount,  that  man  isn't  rich.  Seventy 
times  seventy  millions  can't  make  him  rich,  as  long  as  his 
poor  heart  is  breaking  for  more.  I  am  just  about  rich  enough 
to  buy  the  least  valuable  horse  in  your  stable,  perhaps,  but  I 
cannot  sincerely  and  honestly  take  an  oath  that  I  need  any 
more  now.  And  so  1  am  rich.  But  you,  you  have  got  seventy 
millions  and  you  need  five  hundred  millions,  and  are  really 
suffering  for  it.  Your  poverty  is  something  appalling.  I  tell 
you  truly  that  1  do  not  believe  1  could  live  twenty-four  hours 
with  the  awful  weight  of  four  hundred  and  thirty  millions  of 
abject  want  crushing  down  upon  me.  I  should  die  under  it. 
My  soul  is  so  wrought  upon  by  your  helpless  pauperism  that 
if  you  came  to  me  now,  1  would  freely  put  ten  cents  in  your 
tin  cup,  if  you  carry  one,  and  say,  "God  pity  you,  poor  un- 
fortunate." 


A      MOVING      TALE 

MANY  a  young  man  has  succumbed  to  his 
environment.     The  hero  of  the  following 
moving  tale  is  no  exception: 

She  was  waiting  for  him  at  the  station.  It  was 
two  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  and  he  had  to  go 
back  that  evening  on  the  midnight  train.  He 
acted  like  a  man  in  a  dream,  but,  none  the  less, 
he  appeared  to  know  precisely  what  he  was  about. 
65 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

As  the  train  drew  up  the  station  was  crowded. 
There  she  was  in  the  midst  of  the  crowd,  smiHng 
and  beckoning  to  him.  Without  a  moment's  hesi- 
tation, and  before  she  even  realized  what  was 
happening,  he  sprang  forward,  put  his  arms 
around  her,  and  planted  a  clinging  kiss  on  her 
lips.  She  blushed  intensely  and  whispered  as 
well  as  she  could : 

"Oh,  you  mustn't!" 

He  made  no  reply.  His  eyes  were  fixed.  Half 
frightened,  she  led  the  way  to  the  motor  car. 
They  got  in.  He  promptly  took  her  hand.  She 
attempted  to  motion  to  him  that  the  chauffeur 
was  in  front  and  could  see  their  reflection  in  the 
glass  windshield.  He  merely  threw  both  arms 
around  her  and  almost  crushed  her,  as  he  kissed 
her  over  and  over  again.  Her  face  showed  sur- 
prise and  indignation. 

"  You  mustn't !    We're  not  engaged." 

"As  if  that  mattered,"  he  muttered,  taking 
another  kiss. 

'  The  motor  car  arrived  at  her  home.  They  got 
out.  They  entered  the  house.  Her  mother  came 
forward  to  receive  them.  Suddenly,  without 
warning,  he  sprang  forward  and  kissed  her, 
throwing  his  arms  about  her  like  a  cyclone.  Her 
mother,  attempting  to  free  herself,  gasped.  This 
66 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

young  man — whom  she  scarcely  knew!    The  girl 
herself  stared  at  him  in  open-eyed  astonishment. 

At  this  moment  the  maid  entered  the  room. 
As  she  stepped  forward  the  young  man  caught 
sight  of  her.  Wasting  no  time,  and  before  the 
surprised  mother  and  daughter  could  stop  him, 
he  had  folded  the  maid  in  his  arms  and  kissed  her 
also.     She  screamed,  and  finally  ran  away. 

There  was  an  aunt  visiting  them.  This  gentle, 
middle-aged  spinster  was  dozing  in  the  next  room. 
Aroused  by  the  maid's  screams,  she  hurried  into 
the  room.  But  no  sooner  did  this  remarkable 
young  man  visitor  see  her  than  he  promptly  grab- 
bed her,  and  covered  her  face  with  kisses. 

The  girl's  father  all  this  time  had  been  quietly 
smoking  on  the  piazza.  Hearing  the  commotion 
he  hurried  also  into  the  room,  just  in  time  to  see 
the  spinster  lady,  almost  fainting  with  terror,  tear 
herself  loose. 

"He's  been  kissing  every  one  of  us,"  murmured 
the  girl's  mother.  "There  must  be  something 
the  matter  with  him." 

The  girl's  father  caught  the  young  man  squarely 
by  the  shoulders  and  faced  him  about. 

"He  kissed  me  at  the  station — before  every- 
body!" sobbed  the  girl.     "Then  he  kissed  mama 
and  the  maid  and  Aunt  Jane." 
67 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"What  is  the  meaning  of  this?"  said  the  girl's 
father,  sternly.  "  How  dare  you,  sir,  abuse  our 
hospitahty?" 

The  young  man  shuddered.  His  eyes  closed. 
Still  in  the  clutch  of  his  host,  there  was  a  tragic 
silence.  Then  he  opened  them  once  more  and 
gazed  feebly  about  him.  He  passed  his  hand 
wearily  over  his  forehead. 

"Forgive  me!"  he  whispered.  "It  is  not  my 
fault.  I  live  in  bachelor  quarters  in  town.  My 
friends  had  all  gone  away  and  there  was  nothing 
for  me  to  do  but  go  to  the  moving  picture  shows 
night  after  night.  I  have  been  doing  this  for 
weeks.  In  the  moving  pictures  the  young  man 
hero  kisses  everybody  he  meets.  It's  the  regular 
thing — nothing  but  kissing,  kissing,  all  the  time. 
My  mind  has  been  unhinged  by  it.  Forgive  me 
and  take  me  to  some  asylum." 

Then  he  burst  into  tears,  threw  his  arms  about 
the  old  gentleman — and  kissed  him,  and  they  led 
the  poor  wretch  away 


HISTORICAL 


AT  A  military  church  service  during  the  South 
African  War  some  recruits  were  listening  to 
the  chaplain  in  church  saying,  "Let  them  slay 
68 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  Boers  as  Joshua  smote  the  Egyptians,"  when 
a  recruit  whispered  to  a  companion : 

"Say,  Bill,  the  old  bloke  is  a  bit  off;  doesn't  he 
know  it  was  Kitchener  who  swiped  the  Egyp- 
tians?" 


MEMORIES 

AN  AMERICAN  lady  at  Stratfc/d-on-Avon 
showed  even  more  than  the  usual  American 
fervor.  She  had  not  recovered  when  she  reached 
the  railway  station,  for  she  remarked  to  a  friend 
as  they  walked  on  the  platform:  "To  think  that 
it  was  from  this  very  platform  the  immortal  bard 
would  depart  whenever  he  journeyed  to  town!" 


ECCLESIASTICAL      DUES 
ENFORCED 

ICANNA  get  ower  it,"  a  Scotch  farmer 
remarked  to  his  wife.  "I  put  a  twa  shillin' 
piece  in  the  plate  at  the  kirk  this  morning  instead 
o'  ma  usual  penny." 

The  beadle  had  noticed  the  mistake,  and  in 
silence  he  allowed  the  farmer  to  miss  the  plate  for 
twenty-three  consecutive  Sundays. 

On  the  twenty-fourth  Sunday  the  farmer  again 
ignored  the  plate,  but  the  old  beadle  stretched 
69 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  ladle  in  front  of  him  and,  in  a  loud,  tragic 
whisper,  hoarsely  said: 

"Your  time's  up  noo,  Sandy." 


STILL      COMPANIONABLE 

JENNIE,  the  colored  maid,  arrived  one  morning 
with  her  head  swathed  in  bandages — the  result 
of  an  argument  with  her  hot-tempered  spouse. 

"Jennie,"  said  hermistress,  "your husband  treats 
you  outrageously.    Why  don't  you  leave  him?" 

"  Well,  1  don'  'zactly  wants  to  leave  him." 

"  Hasn't  he  dragged  you  the  length  of  the  room 
by  your  hair?  "  demanded  her  mistress. 

"  Yas'm,  he  has  done  dat." 

"  Hasn't  he  choked  you  into  insensibility?" 

"  Yas'm,  he  sho  has  choked  me." 

"And  now  doesn't  he  threaten  to  split  your 
head  with  an  ax?" 

"Yas'm,  he  has  done  all  dat,"  agreed  Jennie, 
"but  he  ain'  done  nothin'  yet  so  bad  I  couldn't 
live  wid  him." 

AN       EASY      ADJUSTMENT 

ANDY    DONALDSON,  a  well-known   char- 
acter oi  Glasgow,  lay  on  his  deathbed. 
"  I    canna'    leave   ye   thus,    Nancy,"    the   old 
Scotsman  wailed.     "Ye' re  ower  auld  to  work, 
70 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

an'  ye  could na'  live  in  the  workhoose.  Gin  I 
dee,  ye  maun  marry  anither  man,  wha'U  keep  ye 
in  comfort  in  yer  auld  age." 

"Nay,  nay,  Andy,"  answered  the  good  spouse; 
"  I  couldna'  marry  anither  man,  fer  whit  wuU  i 
daw  wi'  twa  husbands  in  heaven?" 

Andy  pondered  over  this,  but  suddenly  his 
face  brightened. 

"I  ha'e  it,  Nancy!"  he  cried.  "Ye  ken  auld 
John  Clemmens?  He's  a  kind  man,  but  he's  no' 
a  member  o'  the  kirk.  He  likes  ye,  Nancy,  an' 
gin  ye'll  marry  him,  'twill  be  a'  the  same  in 
heaven.  John's  no'  a  Christian,  and  he's  no' 
likely  to  get  there." 


APPRAISED 

ONE  morning,  MoUie,  the  colored  maid,  ap- 
peared before  her  mistress,  carrying,  folded 
in  a  handkerchief,  a  five-dollar  gold  piece  and  all 
her  earthly  possessions  in  the  way  of  jewelry. 

This  package  she  proffered  her  mistress,  with 
the  request  that  Miss  Sallie  take  it  for  safe  keep- 
ing. 

"Why,  MoUie!"  exclaimed  the  mistress  in 
surprise.     "  Are  you  going  away?  " 

"Naw'm,     I     ain'    goin'    nowheres,"     Mollie 

71 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

declared.  "  But  me  an'  Jim  Harris  we  wuz  mar- 
ried this  mawnin'.  Yas'm,  Jim,  he's  a  new 
nigger  in  town.  You  don'  know  nothin'  'bout 
him.  Miss  Sallie.  1  don'  know  nothin'  'bout  him 
myself.     He's  er  stranger  to  me." 

Miss  Sallie  glanced  severely  at  the  little  package 
of  jewelry. 

"  But,  Mollie,"  she  demanded,  "don't  you  trust 
him?" 

"Yas'm,"  replied  Mollie,  unruffled.  "Cose  I 
trus'  him,  personally — but  not  wid  ma  valuables." 


AN   EASY   MATTER 

HOW  to  own  your  own  home  is  a  problem 
which  confronts  the  great  majority.  That 
it  is  oftentimes  easily  solved,  however,  is  revealed 
by  the  following  simple  experience  as  related 
by  H.  M.  Perley  in  Lije: 

How  did  we  do  it?  Simply  by  going  without 
everything  we  needed.  When  I  was  first  married 
my  salary  was  thirty  dollars  a  month. 

My  mother-in-law,  who  lived  with  us,  decided 
to  save  enough  out  of  my  salary  to  build  us  a 
home. 

When  the  cellar  was  finished,  I  became  ill  and 
lost  my  position,  and  had  to  mortgage  the  cellar 
to  make  my  first  payment. 
72 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Although  we  went  without  food  for  thirty  days 
the  first  year,  we  never  missed  a  monthly  pay- 
ment. 

The  taxes,  interest  on  mortgage,  and  monthly 
payment  on  house  were  now  three  times  the 
amount  of  my  earnings. 

However,  by  dispensing  with  the  service  of  a 
doctor,  we  lost  our  father  and  mother-in-law, 
which  so  reduced  our  expenses  that  we  were  able 
to  pay  for  the  parlor  floor  and  windows. 

In  ten  years  seven  of  our  nine  children  died, 
possibly  owing  to  our  diet  of  excelsior  and 
prunes. 

I  only  m.ention  these  little  things  to  show  how 
we  were  helped  in  saving  for  a  home. 

1  wore  the  same  overcoat  for  fifteen  years,  and 
was  then  able  to  build  the  front  porch,  which  you 
see  at  the  right  of  the  front  door. 

Now,  at  the  age  of  eighty-seven,  my  wife  and  I 
feel  sure  we  can  own  our  comfortable  little  home 
in  about  ten  years  and  live  a  few  weeks  to  enjoy 
it. 


JEEMS      HENRY      WAS      CONJURED. 

MARS   JOHN,"    excitedly    exclaimed    Aunt 
Tildy,    as   she   pantingly    rushed    into   a 
fire-engine  house,   "please,   suh,  phonograph  to 

73 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

de  car-cleaners'  semporium  an'  notify  Dan'I 
to  emergrate  home  diurgently,  kaze  Jeems  Henry 
sho'  done  bin  conjured!  Doctor  Cutter  done 
already  distracted  two  blood-vultures  from  his 
'pendercitis,  an'  I  lef  him  now  prezarninatin'  de 
chile's  ante-bellum  fur  de  germans  ob  de  neuro- 
plumonia,  which  ef  he's  disinfected  wid,  dey  gotter 
'noculate  him  wid  the  ice-coldlated  quarantimes — 
but  1  b'lieves  it's  conjuration!" 


KEEPING      IT      IN      THE      FAMILY 

A  LADY  had  the  misfortune  to  lose  her  season 
ticket  for  the  railway.  On  the  same  even- 
ing she  had  a  call  from  two  boys,  the  elder  of 
whom  at  once  handed  her  the  lost  ticket.  The 
lady,  delighted  at  the  prompt  return  of  her 
property,  offered  the  boy  a  shilling  for  his  trouble. 
The  lad  refused  to  accept  it,  telling  the  lady  he 
was  a  Boy  Scout,  and  that  no  member  of  the 
Boy  Scouts  is  allowed  to  accept  any  return  for  a 
service  rendered. 

Just  as  the  coin  was  about  to  be  placed  back 
in  the  purse  of  the  lady,  the  boy,  looking  up  into 
her  face,  suddenly  blurted  out: 

"  But  my  wee  brither's  no'  a  Scout." 


74 


s 


BEST      SHORT      STORiti 
NOT      SO      DIFFICULT 

OMETIMES  a  situation  whicli  to  the  kind 
of  a  mind  which  requires  certainty  seems 
hopeless  can  be  adjusted  in  the  most  common- 
place manner: 

Congressman  Charles  R.  Davis  of  Minnesota 
relates  that  one  afternoon  a  train  on  a  Western 
railroad  stopped  at  a  small  station,  when  one  of 
the  passengers,  in  looking  over  the  place,  found 
his  gaze  fixed  upon  an  interesting  sign.  Hurrying 
to  the  side  of  the  conductor,  he  eagerly  inquired: 
"  Do  you  think  that  1  will  have  time  to  get  a  soda 
before  the  train  starts?" 

"Oh,  yes,"  answered  the  conductor. 

"  But  suppose,"  suggested  the  thirsty  passenger, 
"  that  the  train  should  go  on  without  me?  " 

"We  can  easily  fix  that,"  promptly  replied  the 
conductor.  "  I  will  go  along  and  have  one  with 
you." 

DESERVED   THE   LEGACY 

A  TURKISH  story  runs  that,  dying,  a  pious 
man  bequeathed  a  fortune  to  his  son,  charg- 
ing him  to  give  £ioo  to  the  meanest  man  he  could 
find. 

A  certain  cadi  filled  the  bill.    Accordingly  the 
dutiful  son  offered  him  £  i  oo. 
75 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"But  I  can't  take  your  £100,"  said  the  cadi. 
"  I  never  knew  your  father.  There  was  no  reason 
why  he  should  leave  me  the  money." 

"It's  yours,  all  right,"  persisted  the  mourning 
youth. 

"  1  might  take  it  in  a  fictitious  transaction," 
said  the  cadi,  relenting.  "Suppose — I'll  tell 
you  what  I'll  do.  I'll  sell  you  all  that  snow  in 
the  courtyard  for  £100." 

The  young  man  agreed,  willing  to  be  quit  of 
his  trust  on  any  terms.  Next  day  he  was  arrested, 
taken  before  the  cadi,  and  ordered  to  remove  his 
snow  at  once.  As  this  was  a  command  the  young 
man  was  utterly  unable  to  execute,  he  was  fined 
£20  by  the  cadi  for  contumacy. 

"At  least,"  the  young  man  said  ruefully  as  he 
left  the  court,  "father's  £100  went  to  the  rignt 
man." 


IMPROVEMENT 

IF  YOU  are  going  to  be  too  fussy  about  your 
own    particular    brand   of   beauty  then  you 
must  expect  to  reap  the  consequences. 

An  actor  visited  a  beauty  doctor  to  see  if  he 
could  have  something  done  for  his  nose.     The 
beauty  doctor  studied  the  organ,  and  suggested  a 
76 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

complicated  straightening  and  remoulding  proc- 
ess— cost,  twenty  guineas. 

"  I  may  go  you,"  said  the  actor  thoughtfully. 
He  stroked  his  nose  before  the  mirror,  regarding  it 
from  all  sides.  "Yes,  I  think  I'll  go  you.  But, 
look  here,  do  you  promise  to  give  my  nose — er — 
ideal  beauty?" 

The  surgeon  grew  meditative. 

"As  to  ideal  beauty,  I  can't  say,"  he  replied 
at  last.  "Why,  my  friend  I  couldn't  help  improv- 
ing it  a  lot  if  1  hit  it  with  a  hammer." 


WHY      SHOULD      HE      KNOW? 

WE  CANNOT  all  of  us  be  truly  literary. 
Most  of  us  lead  busy  lives  and,  after 
all,  is  it  of  any  real  importance  to  be  familiar  with 
the  world's  greatest  writers?  No  doubt  this 
may  all  depend  upon  our  occupation,  as  the 
following  conversation  reveals. 

The  slight  man  with  the  bulging  brow  leaned 
forward  and  addressed  the  complacent  looking 
individual  with  a  look  of  almost  human  intelli- 
gence.    It  was  a  monotonous  railway  journey. 

"Wonderful  transportation  facilities  to-day, 
sir,"  he  ventured.  "As  we  have  been  bowling 
along,  my  mind  has  unconsciously  been  dwelling 

77 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

on  Jane  Austen.  Think  of  it,  sir,  only  one  hum 
dred  years  ago  and  no  railroads.  Have  we  really 
lost  or  gained?  Marvelous  girl,  that,  sir. 
Masterpiece  of  literature  when  she  was  twenty- 
one,  and  no  background  but  an  untidy  English 
village.  You've  heard  of  Jane  Austen,  I  pre- 
sume?" 

"Can't  say  1  have." 

The  slight  man  smiled  sympathetically. 

"  I  get  a  great  deal  of  pleasure  from  books,"  he 
went  on.  "  Bachelor.  Marvelous  solace.  May 
know  Wordsworth's  famous  lines,  eh?  'Books  we 
know  are  a  substantial  world,'  etc.  Perhaps  you 
have  read  something  of  Thomas  Love  Peacock?" 

"Never  heard  of  him." 

"Ah!  Missed  a  great  deal.  Wonderful  satir- 
ist, that.  But  still,  1  must  admit  that  neither  he 
nor  Miss  Austen  are  common.  Now  there's 
Mark  Twain — for  general  reading,  rain  or  shine, 
can't  be  beaten.  American  to  the  core,  sir. 
Smacks  of  the  soil.  Perhaps  he  missed  any 
warm  love  interest — but  a  delightful  humorist, 
sir.     You  read  him  regularly,  1  presume?" 

"Can't  say  1  do." 

"Of  course,  sir,  books  are  not  all.  1  agree  with 
our  old  friend,  Montaigne,  about  that.  By  the 
way,  which  do  you  prefer,  Dickens  or  Thackeray?" 

78 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Can't  say,  sir.     They're  strangers  to  me." 

"  Perhaps  you've  heard  of  a  man  named  Walter 
Scott.  As  his  name  imphes,  he  was  born  in 
Scotland.  He  wrote  books,  you  know — novels, 
stories.  Rather  good,  eh?  Human  interest — 
wholesome  reading — and  all  that  sort  of  thing." 

"  Don't  recall  him." 

The  slight  man  rose  up  in  his  seat.  He  bore 
down  hard  upon  the  stranger. 

"  Possibly,"  he  suggested,  "  in  the  course  of  your 
deep  and  intimate  intercourse  with  men  and 
affairs,  you  may  recall  the  name  of  an  individual 
named  Shakespeare." 

"  Yes,  1  think  1  remember." 

"How  about  Macaulay,  the  greatest  essayist 
in  England,  and  Homer,  the  prince  of  ancient 
poets,  with  seven  birthplaces?  Then  there's 
Emerson  and  Longfellow  and  Goethe  and " 

He  paused  and  grabbed  the  other  man  by  the 
collar. 

"My  friend,"  he  said,  "you  don't  seem  inter- 
ested in  the  world's  greatest  authors.  May  I 
inquire  what  your  occupation  in  life  is?" 

The  other  man  nodded  gravely,  even  austerely. 

"Certainly,  sir,"  he  replied.  "I'm  a  holiday 
salesman  in  Buncum's  Department  Store 
Book  Shop." 

79 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
ONE      ON      HIM 

TH  E  code  of  manners  enjoyed  by  the  Germans 
needs  scarcely  any  further  illumination, 
but  the  following  incident  may  serve  as  further 
light  upon  this  threadbare  subject. 

A  physician  boarded  a  crowded  crosstown  car. 
A  woman  was  standing,  and  a  big  German  seated, 
sprawling  over  twice  the  space  necessary.  Indig- 
nantly the  doctor  said  to  him: 

"See  here!  Why  don't  you  move  a  little  so 
that  this  tired  woman  may  have  a  seat?" 

For  a  moment  the  German  looked  dazed.  Then 
a  broad  smile  spread  over  his  countenance  as  he 
answered : 

"  Say,  dot's  a  joke  on  you,  all  right !  Dot's  my 
vife!"  

REVEALED 

IN  VIEW  of  the  spirit  of  comradeship  shown 
between  officers  and  men,  this  story  is  at  least 
open  to  question,  but  it  may  have  happened  in 
some  former  war. 

The  lieutenant  was  instructing  the  squad  in 
visional  training. 

"Tell  me.  Number  One,"  he  said,  "how  many 
men  are  there  in  that  trench-digging  party  over 
there?" 

80 


BEST      SHORT       STORIES 

"Thirty  men  and  one  officer,"  was  the  prompt 
reply. 

"  Quite  right,"  observed  the  Heutenant,  after  a 
pause.  "  But  how  do  you  know  one  is  an  officer 
at  this  distance?  " 

"  'Cos  he's  the  only  one  not  working,  sir." 


DIAGNOSING      HIMSELF 

THE  officer  of  the  day,  during  his  tour  of  duty, 
paused  to  question  a  sentry  who  was  a  new 
recruit. 

"  If  you  should  see  an  armed  party  approaching, 
what  would  you  do?"  asked  the  officer. 

"Turn  out  the  guard,  sir." 

"Very  well.  Suppose  you  saw  a  battleship 
coming  across  the  parade-ground,  what  would 
you  do?" 

"  Report  to  the  hospital  for  examination,  sir," 
was  the  prompt  reply. 


IN      OUR      MELTING      POT 

DURING  a  political  campaign  in  New  York  a 
Tammany  leader  on  the  East  Side,  a  self- 
made  man  and  one  not  entirely  completed  yet  in 
some  respects,  was  addressing  a  mass  meeting  of 
8i 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Italian-born  voters  on  behalf  of  the  Democratic 
ticket. 

"Gintlemen  and  fellow  citizens,"  he  began,  "I 
deem  it  an  honor  to  be  permitted  to  address  you 
upon  the  issues  of  the  day.  I  have  always  had  a 
deep  admiration  for  your  native  land.  I  vinerate 
the  mimory  of  that  great,  that  noble  Eyetalian 
who  was  the  original  and  first  discoverer  of  this 
here  land  of  ours. 

"Why,  gintlemen,  at  me  mother's  knee  1  was 
taught  to  sing  that  inspirin'  song:  'Columbus, 
the  Jim  of  the  Ocean'!" 

Whereupon  there  was  loud  applause. 


GIVE      HIM      TIME 

MR.  JOHNSING   had   an   enthusiastic   ad- 
mirer in  Little  Eph  Jones. 
"Yes,  suh,"  he  concluded  one  of  his  eulogies, 
"  Mistuh  Johnsing  is  the  biggest  man  what  evuh 
was." 

"Bigger  than   General   Grant?"   queried  the 
white  man  to  whom  he  was  talking. 

"Suttinly  Mistuh  Johnsing  is  a  bigguh  man 
than  General  Grant,"  affirmed  Eph. 
"  Bigger  than  President  Wilson?" 
"Of  co'se  he's  bigguh  than  President  Wilson." 
"Bigger  than  God?" 

82 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Well — well "stammered  Eph.     "  You  see, 

Mistuh  Johnsing's  young  yet." 


A      BAY      STATE      SOLOMON 

UNFORTUNATELY  we've  mislaid  the 
judge's  name,  but  his  court  room  is  in  New 
Bedford,  Mass.  Before  him  appeared  a  de- 
fendant who,  hoping  for  leniency,  pleaded, 
"Judge,  I'm  down  and  out." 

Whereupon  said  the  wise  judge:  "  You're  down 
but  you're  not  out.     Six  months." 


IN      MEMORIAM 

AVAILING  herself  of  her  ecclesiastical  priv- 
ileges, the  clergyman's  wife  asked  questions 
which,  coming  from  anybody  else,  would  have 
been  thought  impertinent. 

"  1  presume  you  carry  a  memento  of  some 
kind  in  that  locket  you  wear?"  she  said. 

"Yes,  ma'am,"  said  the  parishioner.  "It  is  a 
lock  of  my  husband's  hair." 

"But  your  husband  is  still  alive!"  the  lady 
exclaimed. 

"  Yes,  ma'am,  but  his  hair  is  gone." 

83 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A     DISADVANTAGE 

THE  Germans  will  be  immensely  hated  after 
this  war.  They  will  be  the  pariahs  of  the 
future. 

Already  we  see  signs  of  German  hatred  every- 
where. At  a  reception  the  other  night  in  a 
neutral  city,  the  guest  of  honor  said  to  a  man  who 
had  just  been  presented  to  her: 

"You  are  a  foreigner,  are  you  not?  Where  do 
you  come  from?" 

"  From  Berlin,  ma'am,"  he  answered. 

The  lady  stared  at  him  through  her  lorgnette. 

"  Dear  me!"  she  said.  "Couldn't  you  go  back 
and  come  from  somewhere  else?" 


THE      LIFE 

THEY  were  two  sweet  young  American  girls, 
able,   beautiful,  versatile,   patriotic  to  the 

core,  rushed  to  death.    And  one  of  them  said 

breathlessly: 

"  What  have  you  been  doing?  " 

And  the  other  one  as  breathlessly  replied: 

"Doing!     My  dear,  I  hate  to  tell  you.     I  got 

up  at  six.     I  drove  a  car  forty  miles  to  camp.     I 

knitted  a  sweater  and  a  pair  of  socks  in  between. 

I   went  to  a   Red  Cross  meeting.     I   acted  as 

84 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

bridesmaid.  I  read  a  book  on  the  war.  I  took  a 
last  lesson  in  first  aid.  I  canned  eighty  cans  of 
vegetables  and,  oh !" 

"Do  tell  me!" 

"Why,  will  you  believe  me,  1  have  been  so  busy 
all  day  that  I  almost  forgot  to  get  married!" 


WELCOMING      THE      ACTOR 

A  WELL- KNOWN  society  performer  volun- 
teered to  entertain  a  roomful  of  patients  of 
the  Colney  Hatch  Lunatic  Asylum,  and  made  up 
a  very  successful  little  monologue  show,  entirely 
humorous.  The  audience  in  the  main  gave 
symptoms  of  being  slightly  bored,  but  one  highly 
intelligent  maniac  saw  the  whole  thing  in  the 
proper  light,  and,  clapping  the  talented  actor  on 
the  shoulder,  said:  "Glad  you've  come,  old 
fellow.  You  and  1  will  get  along  fine.  The  other 
dippies  here  are  so  dashed  dignified.  What  I 
say  is  if  a  man  is  mad,  he  needn't  put  on  airs 
about  it." 

couldn't    be     bothered 

MOSE  approached  the  registration  booth 
hesitatingly,  and  being  accosted  by  the 
official  in  charge,  assured  that  dignitary  that  he 
had  just  walked  ten  miles  to  register. 

85 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Well,  Mose,  what  branch  of  the  service  would 

you  like  to  be  placed  in?"  inquired  the  official. 

"  How  about  the  cavalry?  " 
"  What  will  Ah  have  ter  do  in  de  calvary?  " 
"  Oh,  you  won't  have  to  do  anything  but  ride  a 

horse  all  the  time." 

Mose  scratched  his  woolly  noggin  in  perplexity 

for  a  few  moments,  and  finally  said:     "Nawssur, 

Ah  don't  believe  Ah  wants  ter  jine  the  calvary." 
"  What's  the  matter  with  the  cavalry,  Mose?  " 
"Well,  yer  see,  boss,  hit's  jest  like  dis:     When 

y'awl  blow  dem  bugles  ter  retreet,  Ah  don't  want 

ter  be  troubled  wid  no  hoss." 


THEIR      "bit" 

J  I  MM  IE,  very  proud  of  his  first  job  and  weekly 
salary  of  $6.83,  purchased  a  Liberty  Bond  on 
the  installment  plan.  That  evening  he  saw  in 
the  newspaper  that  John  D.  Rockefeller  had 
invested  in  Liberty  Bonds  to  the  extent  of 
S  10,000,000. 

Turning  to  his  mother,  Jimmie  said  proudly, 
"Weil,  ma,  two  of  us  Americans  have  done  our 
duty,  anyhow." 


86 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
MISTAKES      WILL      HAPPEN 

A  WOMAN  doctor  of  Philadelphia  was  calling 
on  a  young  sister,  recently  married,  who  was 
in  distress.  In  response  to  the  doctor's  inquiry 
the  newly-wed  said: 

"  I  cooked  a  meal  for  the  first  time  yesterday, 
and  I  made  an  awful  mess  of  it." 

"Never  mind,  dearie,"  said  the  doctor,  cheer- 
fully; "it's  nothing  to  worry  about.  I  lost  my 
first  patient." 

DANGER      SIGNALS 

AN  INGENIOUS  American  has  invented  a 
device  to  prevent  such  motoring  acci- 
dents as  arise  from  over-speeding.  He  describes 
his  contrivance  as  follows; 

"While  the  car  is  running  fifteen  miles  an  hour 
a  white  bulb  shows  on  the  radiator,  at  twenty-five 
miles  a  green  bulb  appears,  at  forty  a  red  bulb, 
and,  when  the  driver  begins  to  bat  'em  out 
around  sixty  per,  a  music-box  under  the  seat 
begins  to  play  'Nearer,  My  God,  to  Thee.' " 


VULNERABLE 

A VI SITING   minister,   preaching  in   a  town 
famous  for  its  horse  races,  vigorously  de- 
nounced   the   sport.    The    principal    patron   of 

87 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  church  always  attended  the  races,  and  of  this 
the  clergyman  was  later  informed. 

"  I  am  afraid  I  touched  one  of  your  weak- 
nesses," said  the  pastor,  not  wishing  to  offend 
the  wealthy  one,  "  but  it  was  quite  unintentional, 
I  assure  you." 

"Oh,  don't  mind  that,"  said  the  sportsman 
genially.  "  It's  a  mighty  poor  sermon  that  don't 
hit  me  somewhere." 


MISLEADING 

JOHNSON,  a  bachelor,  had  been  to  call  on  his 
sister,  and  was  shown  the  new  baby.  The 
next  day  some  friends  asked  him  to  describe  the 
new  arrival.  The  bachelor  replied:  "Um — very 
small  features,  clean  shaven,  red  faced,  and  a  very 
hard  drinker!" 


A       SOFT      ANSWER 

THE  ocean  liner  was  rolling  like  a  chip,  but  as 
usual  in  such  instances  one  passenger  was 
aggressively,  disgustingly  healthy. 

"Sick,  eh?"  he  remarked  to  a  pale-green  person 
who  was  leaning  on  the  rail. 

The  pale-green  person  regarded  the  healthy 
one  with  all  the  scorn  he  could  muster.    "Sick 
88 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

nothing!"  he  snorted  weakly.  "  I'm  just  hanging 
over  the  front  of  the  boat  to  see  how  the  captain 
cranks  it!" 


BALLS 


A  YOUNG  married  couple  who  lived  near 
a  famous  golf-course  were  entertaining  an 
elderly  aunt  from  the  depths  of  the  country. 

"Well,  Aunt  Mary,  how  did  you  spend  this 
afternoon?"  asked  the  hostess  on  the  first  day. 

"Oh,  I  enjoyed  myself  very  much,"  replied 
Auntie  with  a  beaming  smile.  "  1  went  for  a 
walk  across  the  fields.  There  seemed  to  be  a 
great  many  people  about,  and  some  of  them 
shouted  to  me  in  a  most  eccentric  manner,  but  I 
just  took  no  notice.  And,  by  the  way,"  she  went 
on,  "  I  found  such  a  number  of  curious  little 
round  white  things.  I  brought  them  hone  to 
ask  you  what  they  are." 


JOE    S      DIAGNOSIS 

A  COLORED  man  entered  the  general  store  of 
a  small  Ohio  town  and  complained  to  the 
storekeeper  that  a  ham  that  he  had  purchased 
there  a  few  days  before  had  proved  not  to  be  good. 
89 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"The  ham  is  all  right,  Joe,"  insisted  the  store- 
keeper. 

"No,  it  ain't,  boss,"  insisted  the  other.  "Dat 
ham's  sure  bad." 

"  How  can  that  be,"  continued  the  storekeeper, 
"when  it  was  cured  only  last  week?" 

Joe  reflected  solemnly  a  moment,  and  then  sug- 
gested : 

"  Maybe  it's  done  had  a  relapse." 

PURELY      LITERARY 

A  CELEBRATED  author  thus  sketched  out 
his  daily  programme  to  an  interviewer:  Rise 
at  ii;  breakfast  at  12;  attention  to  mail;  a  few 
afternoon  calls;  a  ride  in  the  park;  dinner;  the 
theatre,  and  then  to  bed. 

"  But  when  do  you  do  your  literary  work  ?  "  he 
was  asked. 

"  Why,  the  next  day,  of  course,"  was  the 
reply. 

TOO      FORWARD 

AT  A  parade  of  a  company  of  newly-called-up 
L  men  the  drill  instructor's  face  turned  scar- 
let with  rage  as  he  slated  a  new  recruit  for  his 
awkwardness. 

00 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Now,  Rafferty,"  he  roared,  "  you'll  spoil  the 
line  with  those  feet.  Draw  them  back  at  once, 
man,  and  get  them  in  line." 

Rafferty's  dignity  was  hurt. 

"  Plaze,  sargint,"  he  said,  "  they're  not  mine; 
they're  Micky  Doolan's  in  the  rear  rank!" 


OBEYING      ORDERS 

THE  manager  of  a  big  Australian  sheep-ranch 
engaged  a  discharged  sailor  to  do  farm  work. 
He  was  put  in  charge  of  a  large  flock  of  sheep. 

"Now,  all  you've  got  to  do,"  explained  the 
manager,  "  is  to  keep  them  on  the  run." 

A  run  is  a  large  stretch  of  bushland  enclosed  by 
a  fence,  and  sheep  have  many  ingenious  methods 
of  escaping  from  their  own  to  neighboring  runs 
and  so  getting  mixed  up  with  other  flocks. 

At  the  end  of  a  couple  of  hours  the  manager 
rode  up  again — the  air  was  thick  with  dust  as 
though  a  thousand  head  of  cattle  had  passed  by. 

At  last  he  distinguished  the  form  of  his  new 
shepherd — a  collapsed  heap  prone  upon  the 
ground.  Surrounding  him  were  the  sheep,  a 
pitiful,  huddled  mass,  bleating  plaintively,  with 
considerably  more  than  a  week's  condition  lost. 

"What  the  dickens  have  you  been  doing  to 

91 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

those  sheep?"  shrieked  the  almost  frantic  man- 
ager. 

The  ex-sailor  managed  to  gasp  out:  "Well, 
sir,  I  've  done  my  best.  You  told  me  to  keep  them 
on  the  run,  and  so  1  hunted  them  up  and  down  and 
round — and  now — I'm  just  dead  beat  myself." 


TABLE      OF      COMPARISON 

TO  INSTILL  into  the  mind  of  his  son  sound 
wisdom  and  business  precepts  was  Cohen 
senior's  earnest  endeavor.  He  taught  his  off- 
spring much,  including  the  advantages  of  bank- 
ruptcy, failures,  and  fires.  "Two  bankruptcies 
equal  one  failure,  two  failures  equal  one  fire," 
etc.  Then  Cohen  junior  looked  up  brightly. 
"  Fadder,"  he  asked,  "  is  marriage  a  failure?  " 
"Veil,  my  poy,"  was  the  parent's  reply,  "if 
you  marry  a  really  wealthy  woman,  marriage  is 
almost  as  good  as  a  failure." 


KNEW      HIS      JOB 

IT  WAS  Easter  eve  on  leap  year,  and  the  dear 
young  thing,  who  had  been  receiving  long  but 
somewhat   unsatisfactory  visits  from   the  very 
shy  young  man,  decided  she  might  take  a  chance. 
Robert  had  brought  her  a  splendid  Easter  lily. 
92 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  I'll  give  you  a  kiss  for  that  lily,"  she  promised 
blushingly. 

The  exchange  was  duly,  not  to  say  happily, 
made.     Robert  started  hurriedly  toward  the  door. 

"Why,  where  are  you  going?"  asked  his  girl 
in  surprise. 

"To  the  florist's  for  more  Easter  lilies!"  he 
replied. 


AN       ANGLOMANIAC 

WHAT  are  you  studying  now?"  asked  Mrs. 
Johnson. 
"We  have  taken  up  the  subject  of  mole- 
cules," answered  her  son. 

"  1  hope  you  will  be  very  attentive  and  prac- 
tise constantly,"  said  the  mother.  "  1  tried  to 
get  your  father  to  wear  one,  but  he  could  not 
keep  it  in  his  eye." 

YANKEE       FODDER 

SENATOR  HOAR  used  to  tell  with  glee  of  a 
Southerner  just  home  from  New  England 
who  said  to  his  friend,  "You  know  those  little 
white  round  beans?" 

"Yes,"  replied  the  friend;  "the  kind  we  feed 
to  our  horses?" 

"The  very  same.    Well,  do  you  know,  sir, 

93 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

that  in  Boston  the  enlightened  citizens  take  those 
little  white  round  beans,  boil  them  for  three  or 
four  hours,  mix  them  with  molasses  and  I  know 
not  what  other  ingredients,  bake  them,  and  then — 
what  do  you  suppose  they  do  with  the  beans?  " 

"They " 

"They  eat  'em,  sir,"  interrupted  the  first 
Southerner  impressively;  "bless  me,  sir,  they  eat 
'em!" 


ONE       EXPLANATION 

AT  THE  meeting  of  the  Afro-American  De- 
bating Club  the  question  of  capital  punish- 
ment for  murder  occupied  the  attention  of  the 
orators  for  the  evening.  One  speaker  had  a  great 
deal  to  say  about  the  sanity  of  persons  who  thus 
took  the  law  into  their  own  hands.  The  last 
speaker,  however,  after  a  stirring  harangue,  con- 
cluded with  great  feeling:  "Ah  disagrees  wif 
cap'tal  punishm.ent  an'  all  dis  heah  talk  'bout 
sanity.  Any  pusson  'at  c'mits  murdeh  ain't  in  a 
sanitary  c'ndition." 


REMORSE 

1G0T  son  in  army,"  said  a  wrinkled  old  chief 
to  United  States  Senator  Clapp  during   his 
recent  visit  to  an  Indian  reservation  in  Minnesota. 

94 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Fine,"  exclaimed  the  Senator.  "You  should 
be  proud  that  he  is  fighting  for  all  of  us." 

"Who  we  fight?"  the  redskin  continued. 

"Why,"  the  Senator  replied,  surprised.  "We 
are  fighting  the  Kaiser — you  know,  the  Germans." 

"  Hah,"  mourned  the  chief.     "Too  dam  bad." 

"Why  bad?"  protested  Senator  Clapp,  getting 
primed  for  a  lecture  on  Teutonic  kultur  and  its 
horrors. 

"Too  dam  bad,"  repeated  the  old  Indian. 
"Couple  come  through  reservation  last  week.  I 
could  killed  um,  easy  as  not.     Too  dam  bad." 

He  wrapped  his  face  in  his  blanket  and  refused 
to  be  comforted. 


THE      REAL      CULPRIT 

THE  Crown  Prince  had  been  so  busy  that  he 
hadn't  had  time  to  get  together  with  his 
father  and  have  a  confidential  chat.  But  one 
evening  when  there  was  a  lull  in  the  808-centi- 
meter guns,  they  managed  to  get  a  few  moments 
off.  The  Crown  Prince  turned  to  his  father  and 
said: 

"  Dad,  there  is  something  I  have  been  wanting 
to  ask  you  for  a  long  time.  Is  Uncle  George 
really  responsible  for  this  scrap?" 

"No,  my  son." 

95 


J3  E  S  T      SHORT      STORIES 

"Well,  did  Cousin  Nick  have  anything  to  do 
with  it?" 

"Not  at  all." 

"Possibly  you  did?" 

"No,  sir." 

"Then  would  you  mind  telling  me  who  it  was?" 

The  anointed  one  was  silent  for  a  moment. 
Then  he  turned  to  his  son  and  said: 

"  I'll  tell  you  how  it  happened.  About  two  or 
three  years  ago  there  was  a  wild  man  came 
over  here  from  the  United  States,  one  of  those 
rip-roaring  rough  riders  that  you  read  about  in 
dime  novels,  but  he  certainly  did  have  about  him 
a  plausible  air.  I  took  him  out  and  showed  him 
our  fleet.  Then  I  showed  him  the  army,  and  after 
he  had  looked  them  over  he  said  to  me,  'Bill,  you 
could  lick  the  world.'  And  I  was  damn  fool 
enough  to  believe  him." 


A      MATTER      OF      NOMENCLATURE 

A  NEGRO  was  recently  brought  into  police 
court  in  a  little  town  in  Georgia,  charged 
with  assault  and  battery.  The  Negro,  who  was 
well  known  to  the  judge,  was  charged  with  having 
struck  another  "unbleached  American"  with  a 
brick.  After  the  usual  preliminaries  the  judge  in- 
quired: 

96 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Why  did  you  hit  this  man?" 

"  Jedge,  he  called  me  a  damn  black  rascal." 

"Well,  you  are  one,  aren't  you?" 

"Yessah,  I  is  one.  But,  Jedge,  s'pose  some- 
body'd  call  you  a  damn  black  rascal,  wouldn't 
you  hit  'em?" 

"But  I'm  not  one,  am  1?" 

"Naw,  sah,  naw,  sah,  you  ain't  one;  but  s'pose 
somebody 'd  call  you  de  kind  o'  rascal  you  is, 
what'd  you  do?" 


IT      IS      FORBIDDEN 

EJ'ARLY  in  the  war  J.  B.  adopted  a  French 
-/  soldier  and  furnishes  him  with  a  monthly 
allowance  of  tobacco.  Incidentally,  he  is  also 
lubricating  his  rusty  French  by  carrying  on  a 
correspondence  with  his  "filleul  de  guerre,"  who 
writes  him  from  the  trenches,  "somewhere  in 
France." 

In  a  recent  letter,  the  soldier  informed  his 
American  benefactor  that  "hier  j'ai  tue  deux 
Boches.  lis  sont  alles  a  I'enfer."  (Yesterday  I 
killed  two  Boches.  They  went  straight  to  hell.) 
The  censor  wrote  between  the  lines,  "//  est  de- 
Jendu  de  dire  oil  est  Vennemi,"  (It  is  forbidden 
to  tell  where  the  enemy  is!) 

97 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
HER       PRAYER 

A  VISITOR  to  a  Glasgow  working  woman 
whose  son  was  at  the  front  was  treated  to  a 
fluent  harangue  on  the  misdeeds  of  that  "auld 
blackguard,"  the  Kaiser.  She  ventured  to  sug- 
gest that  we  should  love  our  enemies  and  pray 
for  them. 

"Oh,  but  I  pray  for  him,  too." 

"  What  do  you  say?  " 

"  I  say,  'Oh,  Lord,  deal  wi'  yon  old  black- 
guard, saften  his  heart,  and  damp  his  powther.'"^ 

CAUTIOUS      MOURNER 

WALKING  through  the  village  street  one 
day,  the  widowed  Lady  Bountiful  met 
old  Farmer  Stubbs  on  his  way  to  market.  Her 
greeting  went  unnoticed. 

"Stubbs,"  said  she,  indignantly,  "you  might 
at  least  raise  your  hat  to  me!" 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  m'lady,"  was  the  reply, 
"  but  my  poor  wife  ain't  dead  moren'  two  weeks, 
and  1  ain't  started  lookin'  at  the  wimmen  yet!" 

UNPREPARED   BASE   THREATENED 

TOMMY  TONKINS  was  keen  on  baseball 
and   particularly   ambitious   to   make   his 
mark  as  a  catcher.    Any  hint,  however  small,  was 
98 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

welcomed  if  it  helped  on  his  advance  in  his 
department  of  the  game.  When  he  began  to  have 
trouble  with  his  hands,  and  somebody  suggested 
soaking  them  in  salt  water  to  harden  the  skin, 
he  quickly  followed  the  advice. 

Alas!  a  few  days  later  Tommy  had  a  mis- 
fortune. A  long  hit  at  the  bottom  of  the  garden 
sent  the  ball  crashing  through  a  neighbor's  sitting- 
room  window.  It  was  the  third  Tommy  had 
broken  since  the  season  began. 

Mrs.  Tonkins  nearly  wept  in  anger  when 
Tommy  broke  the  news. 

"Yer  father'll  skin  yer  when  'e  comes  'ome 
to-night,"  she  said. 

Poor  Tommy,  trembling,  went  outside  to 
reflect.  His  thoughts  traveled  to  the  strap  hang- 
ing in  the  kitchen,  and  he  eyed  his  hands  rue- 
fully. 

"Ah!"  he  muttered,  with  a  sigh.  "I  made  a 
big  mistake.  1  ought  to  'ave  sat  in  that  salt  and 
water!" 


INCONSIDERATE 

A  MORE  kind-hearted  and  ingenuous  soul 
never  lived  than  Aunt  Betsey,  but  she  was 
a  poor  housekeeper.  On  one  occasion  a  neighbor 
who  had  run  in  for  a  "back-door"  call  was  hor- 

99 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

rifled  to  see  a  mouse  run  across  Aunt  Betsey's 
kitchen  floor. 

"Why  on  earth  don't  you  set  a  trap,  Betsey?" 
she  asked. 

"Well,"  replied  Aunt  Betsey.  "I  did  have  a 
trap  set.  But  land,  it  was  such  a  fuss!  Those 
mice  kept  getting  into  it!" 


ANOTHER      ENGAGEMENT 

AN  ITALIAN,  having  applied  for  citizenship, 
was  being  examined  in  the  naturalization 
court. 

"Who  is  the  President  of  the  United  States?" 

"Mr.  Wils'." 

"Who  is  the  Vice-President?" 

"Mr.  Marsh'." 

"Could  you  be  President?" 

"No." 

"Why?" 

"Mister,  you  'scuse,  please.  I  vera  busy 
worka  da  mine." 


A      HARD      KNOCK 

DURING  the  cross-examination  of  a  young 
physician  in  a  lawsuit,  the  plaintiff's  lawyer 
made  disagreeable  remarks  about  the  witness's 
youth  and  inexperience. 

loo 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"You  claim  to  be  acquainted  with  the  various 
symptoms  attending  concussion  of  the  brain?" 
asked  the  law>'er. 

"  I  do." 

"We  will  take  a  concrete  case,"  continued  the 
lawyer.  "  If  my  learned  friend,  counsel  for  the 
defence,  and  myself  were  to  bang  our  heads  to- 
gether, would  he  get  concussion  of  the  brain?  " 

The  young  physician  smiled.  "The  probabili- 
ties are,"  he  replied,  "that  the  counsel  for  the  de- 
fence would." 


DURABLE 

THE  admiration  which  Bob  felt  for  his  Aunt 
Margaret  included  all  her  attributes. 
"  1  don't  care  much  for  plain  teeth  like  mine, 
Aunt  Margaret,"  said  Bob,  one  day,  after  a  long 
silence,  during  which  he  had  watched  her  in 
laughing  conversation  with  his  mother.  "  I  wish 
I  had  some  copper-toed  ones  like  yours." 


ACCURACY 

AN  AMERICAN  editor  had  a  notice  stuck 
up  above  his  desk  that  read:  "Accuracy! 
Accuracy!  Accuracy!"  and  this  notice  he  always 
pointed  out  to  the  new  reporters. 

lOI 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

One  day  the  youngest  member  of  the  staff  came 
in  with  his  report  of  a  pubhc  meeting.  The  editor 
read  it  through,  and  came  to  the  sentence: 
"Three  thousand  nine  hundred  and  ninety-nine 
eyes  were  fixed  upon  the  speaker." 

"What  do  you  mean  by  making  a  silly  blunder 
like  that?  "  he  demanded,  wrathfully. 

"  But  it's  not  a  blunder,"  protested  the  young- 
ster. "There  was  a  one-eyed  man  in  the  audi- 
ence!" 


HAD      HIS      RIGHTS 

WHY  did  you  strike  this  man?"  asked  the 
Judge  sternly. 

"  He  called  me  a  liar,  your  honor,"  replied  the 
accused. 

"  Is  that  true?"  asked  the  Judge,  turning  to  the 
man  with  the  mussed-up  face. 

"Sure,  it's  true,"  said  the  accused.  "I  called 
him  a  liar  because  he  is  one,  and  1  can  prove  it." 

"What  have  you  got  to  say  to  that?"  asked  the 
Judge  of  the  defendant. 

"It's  got  nothing  to  do  with  the  case,  your 
honor,"  was  the  unexpected  reply.  "Even  if  1 
am  a  liar  I  guess  I've  got  a  right  to  be  sensitive 
about  it,  ain't  I?" 

1 02 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A      READ  Y-W  ITTED      PARSON 

THE  evening  lesson  was  from  the  Book  of 
Job,  and  the  minister  had  just  read,  "  Yea, 
the  Hght  of  the  wicked  shall  be  put  out,"  when 
immediately  the  church  was  in  total  darkness. 

"  Brethren,"  said  the  minister,  with  scarcely  a 
moment's  pause,  "in  view  of  the  sudden  and 
startling  fulfilment  of  this  prophecy,  we  will 
spend  a  few  minutes  in  silent  prayer  for  the 
electric  lighting  company." 


A      STOCK      SUFFRAGE      ARGUMENT 

A  MEMBER  of  Congress  and  his  wife  had  been 
to  Baltimore  one  afternoon.  When  they 
left  the  train  at  Washington,  on  their  return,  the 
wife  discovered  that  her  umbrella,  which  had 
been  entrusted  to  the  care  of  her  husband,  was 
missing. 

"Where's  my  umbrella?"  she  demanded. 

"  I  fear  I  have  forgotten  it,  my  dear,"  meekly 
answered  the  statesman.  "  It  must  still  be  in  the 
train." 

"In  the  train!"  snorted  the  lady.  "And  to 
think  that  the  affairs  of  the  nation  are  entrusted  to 
a  man  who  doesn't  know  enough  to  take  care  of  a 
woman's  umbrella ! " 

103 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A      DEEP      ONE 

JOHNNY  Stood  beside  his  mother  as  she  made 
her  selection  from  the  huckster's  wagon,  and 
the  farmer  told  the  boy  to  take  a  handful  of 
cherries,  but  the  child  shook  his  head. 

"What's  the  matter?  Don't  you  like  them?" 
asked  the  huckster. 

"Yes,"  replied  Johnny. 

"Then  go  ahead  an'  take  some." 

Johnny  hesitated,  whereupon  the  farmer  put  a 
generous  handful  in  the  boy's  cap.  After  the 
farmer  had  driven  on,  the  mother  asked : 

"Why  didn't  you  take  the  cherries  when  he 
told  you  to?" 

"  'Cause  his  hand  was  bigger'n  mine." 


PROVING      IT 

A  WOMAN  owning  a  house  in  Philadelphia 
before  which  a  gang  of  workmen  were  en- 
gaged in  making  street  repairs  was  much  inter- 
ested in  the  work. 

"And  which  is  the  foreman?"  she  asked  of  a 
big,  burly  Celt. 

A  proud  smile  came  to  the  countenance  of 
that  individual  as  he  replied: 
"Oiam,  mum." 

104 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Really?"  continued  the  lady. 

"Oi  kin  prove  it,  mum,"  rejoined  the  Irishman. 
Then,  turning  to  a  laborer  at  hand,  he  added, 
"Kelly,  ye're  fired!" 

PRAYER      OF       THE      UNRIGHTEOUS 

WE  HAD  a  new  experience  the  other  day 
(relates  a  writer  in  the  Atlantic  Monthly) 
when  we  picked  up  two  boatloads  of  survivors 

from  the  ,  torpedoed  without  warning.     1 

will  say  they  were  pretty  glad  to  see  us  when  we 
bore  down  on  them.  As  we  neared  they  began  to 
paddle  frantically,  as  though  fearful  we  should 
be  snatched  away  from  them  at  the  last  moment. 
The  crew  were  mostly  Arabs  and  Lascars,  and 
the  first  mate,  a  typical  comic  magazine  Irishman, 
delivered  himself  of  the  following :  "  Sure,  toward 
the  last  some  o'  thim  haythen  gits  down  on  their 
knees  and  starts  calling  on  Allah;  but  I  sez,  sez  I, 
'Git  up  afore  1  swat  ye  wid  the  ax  handle,  ye 
benighted  haythen;  sure  if  this  boat  gits  saved  't 
will  be  the  Holy  Virgin  does  it  or  none  at  all,  at 
all!    Git  up,' sez  1." 

MUCH       SIMPLER 

FOR  an  hour  the  teacher  had  dealt  with  pain- 
ful iteration  on  the  part  played  by  carbo- 
105 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

hydrates,  proteids,  and  fats,  respectively,  in  the 
upkeep  of  the  human  body.  At  the  end  of  the 
lesson  the  usual  test  questions  were  put,  among 
them:  "Can  any  girl  tell  me  the  three  foods 
required  to  keep  the  body  in  health?"  There  was 
silence  till  one  maiden  held  up  her  hand  and 
replied:  "Yer  breakfast,  yer  dinner,  and  yer 
supper." 


SILENT      CONTEMPT 

A  CERTAIN  man  whose  previous  record  was 
of  the  best  was  charged  with  a  minor  offense. 
Law  and  evidence  were  unquestionably  on  the 
side  of  the  defense,  but  when  the  arguments 
had  been  concluded  a  verdict  of  "guilty"  was 
given  and  a  fine  imposed. 

The  lawyer  for  the  defense  was  sitting  with  his 
back  toward  the  magistrate.  Without  changing 
his  position  or  rising  to  address  the  court,  he 
remarked : 

"Judge,  please  fine  me  for  contempt  of  court." 

The  magistrate  inquired: 

"What  d'ye  mean,  sir?  You  haven't  commit- 
ted contempt." 

"  I  have,"  came  from  the  old  lawyer.  "  It's 
silent." 

1 06 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
WHAT      DID      SOLOMON      SAY? 

LONDON  children  certainly  get  some  quaint 
views  of  life.  An  instance  of  this  recently 
occurred  in  an  East  End  Sunday-school,  where  the 
teacher  was  talking  to  her  class  about  Solomon 
and  his  wisdom. 

"When  the  Queen  of  Sheba  came  and  laid 
jewels  and  fine  raiment  before  Solomon,  what  did 
he  say?"  she  asked  presently. 

One  small  girl,  who  had  evidently  had  experi- 
ence in  such  matters,  promptly  replied: 

"'Ow  much  d'yer  want  for  the  lot?" 

HIS     ULTIMATUM 

QUITE  recently  a  warship   of  the  Atlantic 
Fleet  found  it  necessary  to  call  for  a  few 

houis  at  a  military  port  on  the  coast  of  Ireland. 
Tommy  Atkins,  meeting  a  full-bearded  Irish  tar 
in  the  street  a  couple  of  hours  later,  said: 

"Pat,  when  are  you  going  to  place  your  whisk- 
ers on  the  reserve  list?  " 

"When  you   place  your  tongue  on  the  civil 
list,"  was  the  Irish  sailor's  reply. 

A      GIFTED      YOUTH 

ALTHOUGH  Alfred  had  arrived  at  the  age 
of  21  years  he  showed  no  inclinaton  either 
107 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

to  pursue  his  studies  or  in  any  way  adapt  himself 
to  his  father's  business. 

"  1  don't  know  what  1  will  ever  make  of  that 
son  of  mine,"  bitterly  complained  his  father,  a 
hustling  business  man. 

"  Maybe  he  hasn't  found  himself  yet,"  con- 
soled the  confidential  friend.  "Isn't  he  gifted 
in  any  way?" 

"  Gifted?  "  queried  the  father.  "  Well,  I  should 
say  he  is!  He  ain't  got  a  thing  that  wasn't  given 
to  him." 


IT      HAPPENED      IN      ILLINOIS 

THE  time  was  registration  day;  the  place  was  a 
small  town  in  Southern  Illinois.  There  was 
no  girl.  He  was  a  gentleman  of  color,  and  the 
registrar  was  having  considerable  trouble  ex- 
plaining the  whys  and  wherefors  of  the  registra- 
tion. At  last  Rastus  showed  a  faint  glimmer  of 
intelligence. 

"  Dis  hey  ah  registrashum  fo'  de  draf  am  a 
whole  lot  like  'lection  votin',  ain't  it?"  he  asked 
uncertainly. 

"  Yes,"  answered  the  kindly  registrar. 
Rastus  scratched  his  head  in  troubled  doubt. 
He  was  thinking  deeply.     Presently   his   brow 
io8 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

cleared  and  a  smile  spread  over  his  face.     He  had 
come  to  a  decision. 

"  Den  I  votes  for  Julius  Jackson  ter  be 
drafted,"  he  said.  "  I  nebah  did  hab  no  use  fo* 
dat  niggah." 


GETTING      EVEN 

JAMES,  4  years  old,  had  been  naughty  to  the 
point  of  evoking  a  whipping  from  his  long-suf- 
fering mother,  and  all  day  long  a  desire  for  re- 
venge rankled  in  his  little  bosom. 

At  length  bedtime  came,  and,  kneeling  beside 
her,  he  implored  a  blessing  on  each  member  of 
the  family  individually,  his  mother  alone  being 
conspicuous  by  her  absence.  Then,  rising  from 
his  devout  posture,  the  little  suppliant  fixed  a 
keenly  triumphant  look  upon  her  face,  saying,  as 
he  turned  to  climb  into  bed : 

"  I  s'pose  you  noticed  you  wasn't  in  it," 


ARCHIES      NECK 

LITTLE  Willie — in  small  boy  stories  the 
central  figure  is  nearly  always  named  Little 
Willie — came  running  into  the  house,  stuttering 
in  his  excitement. 

"Mommer,"  he  panted,  "do  you  know  Archie 
Sloan's  neck?" 

109 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Do  I  know  what?  "  asked  his  mother. 

"Do  you  know  Archie  Sloan's  neck?"  repeated 
her  offspring. 

"  I  know  Archie  Sloan,"  answered  the  puzzled 
parent;  "so  I  suppose  I  must  know  his  neck. 
Why?" 

"Well,"  said  Willie,  "he  just  now  fell  into  the 
back-water  up  to  it." 


THEIR      ONE      TOPIC 

THE  Kaiser  and  Hindenburg, "  said  Edsell 
Ford,  son  of  Henry  Ford,  "and  the  crown 
prince  and  the  other  German  big-wigs  can  never 
mention  the  war  without  saying  that  it  was  forced 
upon  them,  that  they  are  fighting  in  defense  of 
the  fatherland,  that  their  enemies  are  to  blame 
for  all  the  bloodshed,  and  so  forth. 

"The  way  the  Germans  insist  on  this  defense 
talk  of  theirs,  in  season  and  out  of  season,"  he 
went  on,  "reminds  me  of  the  colored  preacher 
who  always  preached  on  infant  baptism. 

"A  deputation  waited  on  him  one  evening  and 
asked  him  if  he  wouldn't  please  drop  infant  bap- 
tism for  a  time.  He  said  he'd  try  to  meet  the 
deputation's  wishes  and  the  following  Sunday 
he  announced  as  his  text,  'Adam,  Where  Art 
Thou?' 

I  ID 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES^ 

"This  text,  brethern  and  sistern,'  said  the 
preacher,  'can  be  divided  into  fo'  heads.  Fust, 
every  man  is  somewhar.  Second,  most  men  is 
whar  they  hain't  got  no  business  to  be.  Third, 
you'd  better  watch  out  or  that's  whar  you'll  be 
yourself.  Fo'th,  infant  baptism.  And  now, 
brethern  and  sistern,  I  guess  we  might  as  well 
pass  up  the  first  three  heads  and  come  immediately 
to  the  fo'th — infant  baptism.'" 


PROBABLY      RIGHT 

HERE  is  a  story  of  the  late  Lord  Haversham's 
schooldays.  Glancing  through  his  pocket- 
book,  his  mother  saw  a  number  of  entries  of  small 
sums,  ranging  from  2s.  6d.  to  5s.,  against  which 
were  the  letters  "  P.  G."  Thinking  this  must 
mean  the  Propagation  of  the  Gospel,  she  asked 
her  son  why  he  did  not  give  a  lump  sum  and  a 
larger  amount  to  so  deserving  a  cause. 

"That  is  not  for  the  Propagation  of  the  Gos- 
pel," he  replied.  "When  1  cannot  remember 
exactly  on  what  1  spend  the  money  I  put  'P.  G.,' 
which  means  'Probably  grub.' " 


III 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
UNRETURNED      FAVORS 

A  CONNECTICUT  farmer  was  asked  to 
assist  at  the  funeral  of  his  neighbor's  third 
wife  and,  as  he  had  attended  the  funerals  of  the 
two  others,  his  wife  was  surprised  when  he  de- 
clined the  invitation.  On  being  pressed  to  give 
his  reason  he  said,  with  some  hesitation : 

"You  see,  Mary,  it  makes  a  chap  feel  a  bit 
awkward  to  be  always  accepting  other  folks's 
civilities  when  he  never  has  anything  of  the  same 
sort  of  his  own  to  ask  them  back  to." 


THE      PROPER      SPIRIT 

HERE  is  a  story  our  wounded  boys  have 
brought  back  from  the  front  about  Sir 
Douglas  Haig. 

Sir  Douglas  was,  some  few  weeks  ago,  in  a 
great  hurry  to  get  to  a  certain  place.  He  found 
his  car,  but  the  chauffeur  was  missing.  So  Sir 
Douglas  got  in  the  car  and  drove  off  by  himself. 
Then  the  driver  appeared  and  saw  the  car  dis- 
appearing in  the  distance. 

"Great  Scot!"  cried  the  driver,  "there's 'Aig 
a-driving  my  car!" 

"  Well,  get  even  with  him,"  said  a  Tommy,  stand- 
ing by, "  and  go  and  fight  one  of  'is  battles  for  him." 

112 


BEST   S  H  ORT   STORIES 
EXPERIENCED 

AJUIXiE  presiding  over  a  court  in  Wash- 
ington, D.  C,  was  administering  the  oath 
to  a  boy  of  tender  years,  and  to  him  put  the 
following  question: 

"Have  you  ever  taken  the  oath?     Do  you 
know  how  to  swear,  my  boy?" 

Whereupon  the  lad  responded:     "Yes,  sir.     I 
am  your  caddie  at  the  Chevy  Chase  Club." 


PERPETUAL      MOTION 

ALDERMAN  CURRAN,  of  New  York  City, 
worked  his  way  through  Yale  College. 
During  his  course  he  was  kept  very  busy  by  the 
various  jobs  he  did  to  help  with  his  expenses. 
On  graduation  he  went  to  New  York,  and  was 
even  busier  than  he  had  been  in  New  Haven. 

After  some  months  of  life  in  New  York,  a  friend 
met  him  and  said,  "  Henry,  what  are  you  doing?" 

"I  have  three  jobs,"  replied  Mr.  Curran,"  I 
am  studying  law,  I  am  a  newspaper  reporter,  and 
I  am  selling  life  insurance." 

"How  do  you  manage  to  get  it  all  in?"  said  the 
friend. 

"Oh,"  replied  Mr  Curran,  "that's  easy  enough. 
They're  only  eight-hour  jobs." 
113 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
PRIDE      IN      THE      DAILY      TASK 

A  QUA  I  NT  Story  is  told  to  exemplify  the  pride 
that  every  man  should  take  in  the  work  by 
which  he  makes  a  living. 

Two  street  sweepers,  seated  on  a  curbstone,  were 

discussing  a  comrade  who  had  died  the  day  before. 

"  Bill  certainly  was  a  good  sweeper,"  said  one. 

"Y-e-s,"    conceded    the    other    thoughtfully. 

"  But  don't  you  think  he  was  a  little  weak  around 

the  lamp-posts?" 

didn't    want    to    rob    him 

HIS  face  was  pinched  and  drawn.     With  fal- 
tering footsteps  he  wended  his  way  among 
the  bustling  Christmas  crowd. 

"  Kind  sir,"  he  suddenly  exclaimed, "  will  you  not 
give  me  a  loaf  of  bread  for  my  wife  and  little  ones?  " 
The  stranger  regarded  him  not  unkindly. 
"Far  be  it  from  me,"  he  rejoined,  "to  take  ad- 
vantage of  your  destitution.  Keep  your  wife  and 
little  ones;  1  do  not  want  them." 


HIS      GENEROSITY 

A  "TOM MY,"  lying  in  a  hospital,  had  beside 
him  a  watch  of  curious  and  foreign  design. 
The  attending  doctor  was  interested. 
114 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Where  did  your  watch  come  from?  "  he  asked. 

"A  German  give  it  me,"  he  answered. 

A  little  piqued,  the  doctor  inquired  how  the 
foe  had  come  to  convey  this  token  of  esteem  and 
affection. 

"  E  'ad  to,"  was  the  laconic  reply. 


JOY      OF      EATING 

A  WELL- KNOWN    banker    in    a    downtown 
restaurant  was  eating  mush  and  milk. 
"What's  the  matter?"  inquired  a  friend. 
"Got  dyspepsia." 
"  Don't  you  enjoy  your  meals?" 
"Enjoy   my   meals?"    snorted   the   indignant 
dyspeptic.     "  My  meals  are  merely  guide-posts 
to  take  medicine  before  or  after." 


TRY      THIS 

THE  quick  wit  of  a  traveling  salesman,  who  has 
since  become  a  well-known  proprietor,  was 
severely  tested  one  day.  He  sent  in  his  card  by  the 
office-boy  to  the  manager  of  a  large  concern, 
whose  inner  office  was  separated  from  the  waiting- 
room  by  a  ground-glass  partition.  When  the  boy 
handed  his  card  to  the  manager  the  salesman  saw 
him  impatiently  tear  it  in  half  and  throw  it  in 
IJ5 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  wastebasket;  the  boy  came  out  and  told  the 
caller  that  he  could  not  see  the  chief.  The  sales- 
man told  the  boy  to  go  back  and  get  him  his 
card;  the  boy  brought  out  five  cents,  with  the 
message  that  his  card  was  torn  up.  Then  the 
salesman  took  out  another  card  and  sent  the  boy 
back,  saying:  "Tell  your  boss  1  sell  two  cards 
for  five  cents." 

He  got  his  interview  and  sold  a  large  bill  of 
goods. 


B  A  R  G  A  I  N-C  OUNTER      GOLF 

FORE!"  yelled  the  golfer,  ready  to  play.     But 
the  woman  on  the  course  paid  no  attention. 
**  Fore ! "  he  shouted  again  with  no  effect. 
"Ah,"    suggested    his    opponent    in    disgust, 
"  try  her  once  with  'three  ninety-eight' ! " 


UNEASY 


IT  WAS  in  a  churchyard.  The  morning  sun  shone 
brightly  and  the  dew  was  still  on  the  grass. 
"Ah,  this  is  the  weather  that  makes  things 
spring  up,"   remarked  a  passer-by  casually  to 
an  old  gentleman  seated  on  a  bench. 

"Hush!"   replied  the  old  gentleman.    "I've 
got  three  wives  buried  here." 
ii6 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
PERFECTLY   NATURAL 

THEY  gave  the  old  lady  the  only  unoccupied 
room  in  the  hotel — one  with  a  private  bath 
adjoining.  The  next  morning,  when  the  guest 
was  ready  to  check  out,  the  clerk  asked: 
"Did  you  have  a  good  night's  rest?" 
"Well,  no,  I  didn't,"  she  replied.  "The  room 
was  all  right,  and  the  bed  was  pretty  good;  but 
I  couldn't  sleep  very  much,  for  I  was  afraid 
someone  would  want  to  take  a  bath,  and  the 
only  way  to  it  was  through  my  room." 


A      DIPLOMAT 

AN  OHIO  man  was  having  a  lot  of  trouble 
piloting  a  one-tent  show  through  the  Mid- 
dle West.  He  lost  a  number  of  valuable  animals 
by  accident  and  otherwise.  Therefore,  it  was 
with  a  sympathetic  mien  that  one  of  the  keepers 
undertook  the  task  of  breaking  the  news  of  another 
disaster.     He  began  thus: 

"Mr.  Smith,  you  remember  that  laughin' 
hyena  in  cage  nine?" 

"Remember  the  laughing  hyena?"  demanded 
the  owner,  angrily.  "What  the  deuce  are  you 
driving  at?" 

"Only  this,  Mr.  Smith:  he  ain't  got  nothing 
to  laugh  at  this  morning." 

117 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
THE      DIFFERENCE 

TWO  pals,  both  recently  wedded,  were  com- 
paring the  merits  of  their  wives. 
"Ah,  yes,"  said  George,  who  was  still  very 
much  in  love,   "my  little  woman  is  an  angel! 
She  couldn't  tell  a  lie  to  save  her  life!" 

"Lucky  bounder!"  said  Samuel,  sighing. 
"  My  wife  can  tell  a  lie  the  minute  I  get  it  out 
of  my  mouth!" 


worse! 

THE  worried  countenance  of  the  bridegroom 
disturbed    the    best    man.    Tiptoeing    up 
the  aisle,  he  whispered : 

"What's  the  matter,  Jock?  Hae  ye  lost  the 
nng? 

"No,"  blurted  out  the  unhappy  Jock,  "the 
ring's  safe  eno'.  But,  mon,  I've  lost  ma  enthu- 
siasm." 


THE      TEUTON      WAY 

A  STORY  illustrative  of  the  changes  in  methods 
of  warfare  comes  from  a  soldier  in  France 
who  took  a  German  officer  prisoner.     The  soldier 
said  to  the  officer:  "Give  up  your  sword!"     But 
the  officer  shook  his  head  and  answered:    "  I  have 
ii8 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

no  sword  to  give  up.     But  won't  my  vitriol  spray, 
my  oil  projector,  or  my  gas  cylinder  do  as  well?" 

APPRECIATION 

IT  WAS  just  after  a  rainstorm  and  two  men 
were  walking  down  the  street  behind  a 
young  woman  who  was  holding  her  skirt  rather 
high.  After  an  argument  as  to  the  merits  of 
the  case,  one  of  the  men  stepped  forward  and 
said:"  Pardon,  me,  miss,  but  aren't  you  holding 
your  skirt  rather  high?" 

"Haven't  1  a  perfect  right?"  she  snapped. 

"You  certainly  have,  Miss,  and  a  peach  of  a 
left,"  he  replied. 


ALLEGRO 

THAT'SallFergusonl'llringiflwantyouagain." 
"  Yessirt  h  a  n  kyousirshall  Isayyoua  reoutif 
anyonecallssir?" 

"TellthemlamoutofthecityandFerguson." 

"Yessir?" 

"Havetheautoreadyforanearlyruninthemorning. 

HavealargebunchoforchidsinthevaseFerguson." 

"  Yessiranythingelsesir?  " 

"  NothingelseFerguson." 

Readeritisonlytheconversationinatalkingmovie 
showtryingtokeepupwiththepictures. 

119 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
JUST      ANSWERED 

A  SOLDIER  in  the  English  Army  wrote 
home:  "They  put  me  in  barracks;  they 
took  away  my  clothes  and  put  me  in  khaki;  they 
took  away  my  name  and  made  me  'No.  575'; 
they  took  me  to  church,  where  I'd  never  been 
before,  and  they  made  me  listen  to  a  sermon  for 
forty  minutes.  Then  the  parson  said:  'No.  575. 
Art  thou  weary,  art  thou  languid?'  and  I  got 
seven  days  in  the  guardhouse  because  I  answered 
that  1  certainly  was." 


TOO      LONG      A      SHOT 

A  FAMOUS  jockey  was   taken   suddenly   ill, 
and    the   trainer   advised    him    to   visit   a 
doctor  in  the  town. 

"  He'll  put  you  right  in  a  jiffy,"  he  said. 

The  same  evening  he  found  Benjam.in  lying  curled 
up  in  the  stables,  kicking  his  legs  about  in  agony. 

"Hello,  Benny!  Haven't  you  been  to  the 
doctor?" 

"Yes." 

"Well,  didn't  he  do  you  any  good?" 

"  1  didn't  go  in.  When  1  got  to  his  house  there 
was  a  brass  plate  on  his  door — 'Dr.  Kurem.  Ten 
to  one' — 1  wasn't  going  to  monkey  with  a  long 
shot  like  that!" 

120 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
SENSITIVE 

HERE  is  a  story  of  a  London  "nut"  who  had 
mounted  guard  for  the  first  time: 

The  colonel  had  just  given  him  a  wigging  be- 
cause of  the  state  of  his  equipment.  A  Httle 
later  the  colonel  passed  his  post.  The  nut  did 
not  salute.  The  indignant  colonel  turned  and 
passed  again.    The  nut  ignored  him. 

"Why  in  the  qualified  blazes  don't  you  salute?" 
the  colonel  roared. 

"Ah,"  said  the  nut,  softly,  "I  fawncied  you 
were  vexed  with  me." 


NO       USE       FOR       IT 

PAT  walked  into  the  post-office.     After  get- 
ting   into   the   telephone-box   he    called   a 

wrong  number.     As  there  was  no  such  number, 

the  switch-attendant  did  not  answer  him.      Pat 

shouted  again,  but  received  no  answer. 

The  lady  of  the  post-office  opened  the  door  and 

told  him  to  shout  a  little  louder,  which  he  did, 

but  still  no  answer. 
Again  she  said  he  would  have  to  speak  louder- 
Pat  got  angry  at  this,  and,  turning  to  the  lady, 

said: 

"Begorra,  if  I  could  shout  any  louder  I  wouldn't 

use  your  bloomin'  ould  telephone  at  all!" 

121 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
EFFECTIVE 

SOME  people  are  always  optimists: 
"  Beanborough,"  said  a  friend  of  that  gentle- 
man, "always  looks  on  the  bright  side  of  things." 

"Why?" 

"Well,  the  other  day  I  went  with  him  to  buy 
a  pair  of  shoes.  He  didn't  try  them  on  at  the 
store,  and  when  he  got  home  he  found  that  a 
nail  was  sticking  right  up  through  the  heel  of 
one." 

"  Did  he  take  them  back?" 

"Not  much.  He  said  that  he  supposed  the 
nail  was  put  there  intentionally  to  keep  the  foot 
from  sliding  forward  in  the  shoe." 


GERMAN      ARITHMETIC 

T  GERMAN  equals  lo  unkultured  foreigners. 
2  soldiers  equal  lo  civilians. 

3  officers  equal  12  privates. 

4  treaties  equal  8  scraps  of  paper. 

5  poisoned  wells  equal  i  strategic  retreat. 

6  iron  crosses  equal  1  ruined  cathedral. 

7  Zeppelin    raids    equal    7    demonstrations   of 
frightfulness. 

8  eggs  equal  8  hearty  meals  (common  people), 

9  eggs  equal  i  appetizer  (aristocracy). 

122 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

10  deported  Belgians  equal  lo  unmarked  graves. 

1 1  torpedoed  neutrals  equal  1 1  disavowals. 

12  Gotts  equal  i  Kaiser. 

A      DIFFICULT      PASSAGE 

1   THOUGHT  you  were  preaching,  Uncle  Bob," 
said  the  Colonel,  to  whom  the  elderly  Negro 
had  applied  for  a  job. 

"Yessah,  Ah  wuz,"  replied  Uncle;  "but  Ah 
guess  Ah  ain't  smaht  enough  to  expound  de 
Scriptures.  Ah  almost  stahved  to  deff  tryin' 
to  explain  de  true  meanin'  uv  de  line  what  says 
'De  Gospel  am  free.'  Dem  fool  niggahs  thought 
dat  it  meant  dat  Ah  wuzn't  to  git  no  salary." 

WHERE      VERMONT      SCORED 

A  GENTLEMAN  from  Vermont  was  trav- 
eling west  in  a  Pullman  when  a  group  of 
men  from  Topeka,  Kansas,  boarded  the  train 
and  began  to  praise  their  city  to  the  Vermonter, 
telling  him  of -the  wide  streets  and  beautiful  ave- 
nues. Finally  the  Vermonter  became  tired  and 
said  the  only  thing  that  would  improve  their 
city  would  be  to  make  it  a  seaport. 

The  enthusiastic  Westerners  laughed  at  him 
and  asked  how  they  could  make  it  a  seaport 
being  so  far  from  the  ocean. 

123 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

The  Vermonter  replied  that  it  would  be  a  very 
easy  task. 

"The  only  thing  that  you  will  have  to  do," 
said  he,  "is  to  lay  a  two-inch  pipe  from  your 
city  to  the  Gulf  of  Mexico.  Then  if  you  fellows 
can  suck  as  hard  as  you  can  blow  you  will  have 
it  a  seaport  inside  half  an  hour." 


DOING      UNTO      HIS      NEIGHBOR 

HEY,  kid!"  yelled  the  game  warden,  appear- 
ing suddenly  above  the  young  fisherman. 
"  You  are  fishing  for  trout.  Don't  you  know  they 
ain't  in  season?" 

"Sure,"  replied  the  youth,  "but  when  it's 
the  season  for  trout  they  ain't  around,  and  when 
it  ain't  the  season  there's  lots  of  'em.  If  the 
fish  ain't  a-goin'  to  obey  the  rules,  I  ain't  neither." 


H 


THE      LIMIT 

E  WAS  a  very  small  boy.  Paddy  was  his 
dog,  and  Paddy  was  nearer  to  his  heart  than 
anything  on  earth.  When  Paddy  met  swift 
and  hideous  death  on  the  turnpike  road  his 
mother  trembled  to  break  the  news.  But  it 
had  to  be,  and  when  he  came  home  from  school 
she  told  him  simply: 

124 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

*'  Paddy  has  been  run  over  and  killed." 

He  took  it  very  quietly;  finished  his  dinner  with 
appetite  and  spirits  unimpaired.  All  day  it  was 
the  same.  But  five  minutes  after  he  had  gone 
up  to  bed  there  echoed  through  the  house  a  shrill 
and  sudden  lamentation.  His  mother  rushed  up- 
stairs with  solicitude  and  sympathy. 

"Nurse  says,"  he  sobbed,  "that  Paddy  has 
been  run  over  and  killed." 

"  But,  dear,  I  told  you  that  at  dinner,  and  you 
didn't  seem  to  trouble  at  all." 

"No;  but — but  1  didn't  know  you  said  Paddy. 
I — 1  thought  you  said  daddy!" 


NO      TELLING 

A  RATHER  patronizing  individual  from  town 
was  observing  with  considerable  interest 
the  operations  of  a  farmer  with  whom  he  had  put 
up  for  a  while. 

As  he  watched  the  old  man  sow  the  seed  in 
his  field  the  man  from  the  city  called  out  face- 
tiously: 

"Well  done,  old  chap.  You  sow;  I  reap  the 
fruits." 

,   Whereupon  the  farmer  grinned  and  replied: 
"  Maybe  you  will.     I  am  sowing  hemp." 
125 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A      RECORD      BREAKER 

ALONG  the  Fox  River,  a  few  miles  above 
Wedron,  111.,  an  old-timer  named  Andy 
Haskins  has  a  shack,  and  he  has  made  most  of 
the  record  fish  catches  in  that  vicinity  during 
forty  years.  He  has  a  big  record  book  contain- 
ing dates  and  weights  to  impress  visitors. 

Last  summer  a  young  married  couple  from 
Chicago  camped  in  a  luxurious  lodge  three  miles 
above  old  Haskins's  place.  A  baby  was  born 
at  the  lodge,  and  the  only  scales  the  father  could 
obtain  on  which  to  weigh  the  child  was  that 
with  which  Andy  Haskins  had  weighed  all  the 
big  fish  he  had  caught  in  ten  years. 

The  baby  tipped  the  scales  at  thirty-five 
pounds ! 

EVIDENCE 

CIRCUMSTANTIAL  evidence  is  not  always 
conclusive.     But  certain  kinds  of  it  cannot 
be  disputed.     In  the  following  colloquy  the  police- 
man appears  to  have  the  best  of  it. 
"Not  guilty,  sir,"  replied  the  prisoner. 
"Where  did  you  find  the  prisoner?"  asked  the 
magistrate. 

"In  Trafalgar  Square,  sir,"  was  the  Bobby's 
reply. 

126 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"And  what  made  you  think  he  was  intoxi- 
cated?" 

"Weil,  sir,  he  was  throwing  his  walking-stick 
into  the  basin  of  one  of  the  fountains  and  trying 
to  entice  one  of  the  stone  lions  to  go  and  fetch 
it  out  again." 


A      FUTURE      STATESMAN 

ALL  the  talk  of  hyphenated  citizenship  has 
evidently  had  its  effect  upon  a  San  Fran- 
cisco youngster,  American  born,  who  recently 
rebelled  fiercely  when  his  Italian  father  whipped 
him  for  some  misdemeanor. 

"But,  Tomaso,"  said  one  of  the  family,  "your 
father  has  a  right  to  whip  you  when  you  are  bad." 

Tomaso's  eyes  flashed.  "1  am  a  citizen  of 
the  United  States,"  he  declared.  "  Do  you  think 
that  1  am  going  to  let  any  foreigner  lick  me?" 


S  M  A  RT Y ! 

WILLIAM  DEAN  HOWELLS,  at  a  dinner 
in  Boston,  said  of  modern  American  let- 
ters: "The  average  popular  novel  shows,  on 
the  novelist's  part,  an  ignorance  of  his  trade, 
which  reminds  me  of  a  New  England  clerk.  In  a 
New  England  village  1  entered  the  main-street 
department  store  one  afternoon  and  said  to  the 
127 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

clerk  at  the  book  counter:  'Let  me  have,  please, 
the  "Letters  of  Charles  Lamb".'  'Post-office 
right  across  the  street,  Mr.  Lamb,'  said  the  clerk, 
with  a  polite,  brisk  smile." 


HOW      TO      TELL      A      WEL  L-B  RED 
DOG 

IF  HE  defies  all  the  laws  of  natural  beauty  and 
symmetry, 

If  he  has  a  disease  calling  for  specialists. 
If  he  cannot  eat  anything  but  Russian  caviar  and 

broiled  sweetbreads, 
If  he  costs  more  than  a  six-cylinder  roadster, 
If  he  must  be  bathed  in  rose  water  and  fed  out 

of  a  cutglass  bowl. 
If  he  cannot  be  touched  by  the  naked  hand,  or 

patted  more  than  twice  a  day. 
If  he  refuses  to  wear  anything  but   imported 

leather  collars. 
If  he  has  to  sleep  on  a  silk  cushion. 
If  he  dies  before  you  can  get  him  home. 
Then  he  is  a  well-bred  dog. 


TRY      IT      AND      SEE 

A  FEW  years  ago,  while  watching  a  parade  in 
Boston  in  which  the  Stars  and  Stripes  were 
conspicuous,  a  fair  foreigner  with  strong  anti- 
128 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

American  proclivities  turned  to  a  companion, 
and  commenting  on  the  display,  pettishly  re- 
marked : 

"That  American  flag  makes  me  sick.  It 
looks  just  like  a  piece  of  checkerberry  candy." 

Senator  Lodge,  who  was  standing  near  by, 
overheard  the  remark,  and  turning  to  the  young 
lady,  said: 

"  Yes,  miss,  it  does.  And  it  makes  everyone 
sick  who  tries  to  lick  it." 


WHAT      HE      MIGHT      HAVE      BEEN 

BEING  well  equipped  physically,  Michael 
Murphy  had  no  difficulty  in  holding  his  job 
as  village  sexton,  until  the  first  interment,  when 
he  was  asked  to  sign  the  certificate.  "Oi  can't 
write,"  said  Mike,  and  was  discharged. 

Out  of  a  job,  Mike  turned  to  contracting  and 
in  time  became  wealthy  and  a  figure  in  his  com- 
munity. When  he  applied  to  the  leading  bank 
for  a  loan  of  fifty  thousand  dollars,  he  was  as- 
sured that  he  could  get  it — and  was  asked  to 
sign  the  necessary  notes.  Again  he  was  obliged 
to  reply :  "  Oi  can't  write." 

The  banker  was  astounded.  "And  you  have 
accumulated  all  this  wealth  and  position  without 
129 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

knowing  how  to  write!"  he  exclaimed.     "What 
would  you  have  been  to-day  if  you  could  write?" 

Mike  paused  a  moment,  and  answered: 

"Oi  would  have  been  a  sexton." 


CONCLUSIVE 

TWO  Irishmen  were  working  on  the  roof  of 
a  building  one  day  when  one  made  a  mis- 
step and  fell  to  the  ground;  the  other  leaned  over 
and  called :     "  Are  ye  dead  or  alive,  M  ike?  " 

"  I'm  alive,"  said  Mike,  feebly. 

"Sure,  yer  such  a  liar  I  don't  know  whether  to 
believe  ye  or  not." 

"Well,  then,  I  must  be  dead,"  said  Mike, "for 
ye  would  never  dare  to  call  me  a  liar  if  I  were 
alive." 


WHY      NOT? 

THEY  were  a  very  saving  old  couple,  and  as 
a  result  they  had  a  beautifully  furnished 
house.  One  day  the  old  woman  missed  her 
husband.  "Joseph,  where  are  you?"  she  called 
out. 

"  I'm  resting  in  the  parlor,"  came  the  reply. 
"What,  on  the  sofy?"  cried  the  old  woman,  hor- 
rified. 

130 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"No,  on  the  floor." 

"Not  on  that  grand  carpet!"  came  in  tones  of 
anguish. 

"No;  I've  rolled  it  up!" 


HOW      COULD      HE       KNOW? 

THE  youth  seated  himself  in  the  dentist's 
chair.  He  wore  a  wonderful  striped  shirt 
and  a  more  wonderful  checked  suit  and  had  the 
vacant  stare  of  "nobody  home"  that  goes  with 
both. 

The  dentist  looked  at  his  assistant.  "  I  am 
afraid  to  give  him  gas,"  he  said. 

"Why?"  asked  the  assistant. 

"Well,"  said  the  dentist,  "how  can  I  tell  when 
he's  unconscious?" 


IN      ADVANCE 

IN  A  rural  court  the  old  squire  had  made  a 
ruling  so  unfair  that  three  young  lawyers  at 
once  protested  against  such  a  miscarriage  of 
justice.  The  squire  immediately  fined  each  of 
the  lawyers  five  dollars  for  contempt  of  court. 

There  was  silence,  and  then  an  older  lawyer 
walked  slowly  to  the  front  of  the  room  and 
deposited  a  ten-dollar  bill  with  the  clerk.  He 
then  addressed  the  judge  as  follows: 

131 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Your  honor,  I  wish  to  state  that  I  have 
twice  as  much  contempt  for  this  court  as  any 
man  in  the  room." 


NO      FREE      ADVERTISING 

A  VIOLIN  I  ST  was  bitterly  disappointed  with 
the  account  of  his  recital   printed   in  the 
paper  of  a  small  town. 

"  I  told  your  man  three  or  four  times,"  com- 
plained the  musician  to  the  owner  of  the  paper, 
"that  the  instrument  I  used  was  a  genuine 
Stradivarius,  and  in  his  story  there  was  not  a 
word  about  it,  not  a  word." 

Whereupon  the  owner  said  with  a  laugh: 
"That  is  as  it  should  be.  When  Mr. Stradivarius 
gets  his  fiddles  advertised  in  my  paper  under  ten 
cents  a  line,  you  come  around  and  let  me  know." 


WHY      NOT? 

J  I  MM  IE  giggled  when  the   teacher   read   the 
story  of  the  man  who  swam  across  the  Tiber 
three  times  before  breakfast. 

"You  do  not  doubt  that  a  trained  swimmer 
could  do  that,  do  you?" 

"No,  sir,"  answered  Jimmie,   "but   I  wonder 
why  he  did  not  make  it  four  and  get  back  to  the 
side  where  his  clothes  were." 
132 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
THE   SAME   OLD   HOURS 

SHE  was  a  widow  who  was  trying  to  get  in 
touch  with  her  deceased  husband. 

The  medium,  after  a  good  deal  of  futile  work, 
said  to  her: 

"The  conditions  this  evening  seem  unfavorable. 
I  can't  seem  to  establish  communication  with 
Mr.  Smith,  ma'am." 

"Well,  I'm  not  surprised,"  said  the  widow, 
with  a  glance  at  the  clock.  "  It's  only  half-past 
eight  now,  and  John  never  did  show  up  till  about 
three  a.  m." 


WHY      NOT? 

PRIVATE  JONES  was  summoned  to  appear 
before  his  captain. 

"Jones,"  said  the  officer,  frowning  darkly, 
"this  gentleman  complains  that  you  have  killed 
his  dog." 

"A  dastardly  trick,"  interrupted  the  owner 
of  the  dog,  "to  kill  a  defenseless  animal  that 
would  harm  no  one!" 

"Not  much  defenseless  about  him,"  chimed 
in  the  private,  heatedly.  "  He  bit  pretty  freely 
into  my  leg,  so  I  ran  my  bayonet  into  him." 

"Nonsense!"    answered    the    owner    angrily. 

133 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"He  was  a  docile  creature.     Why  did  you  not 
defend  yourself  with  the  butt  of  your  rifle?" 

"Why    didn't    he    bite    me    with    his    tail?" 
asked  Private  Jones,  with  spirit. 


FIGURATIVELY      SPEAKING 

DR.  HARVEY  WILEY  tells  the  following 
story:  Sleepily,  after  a  night  off,  a  certain 
interne  hastened  to  his  hospital  ward.  The  first 
patient  was  a  stout  old  Irishman. 

"How  goes  it?"  he  inquired. 

"Faith,  it'sh  me  breathin',  doctor.  I  can't 
get  me  breath  at  all,  at  all." 

"Why,  your  pulse  is  normal.  Let  me  examine 
the  lung-action,"  replied  the  doctor,  kneeling 
beside  the  cot  and  laying  his  head  on  the  ample 
chest. 

"Now,  let's  hear  you  talk,"  he  continued, 
closing  his  eyes  and  listening. 

"  What'll  Oi  be  sayin',  doctor?  " 

"Oh,  say  anything.  Count  one,  two,  three, 
and  up,"  murmured  the  interne,  drowsily. 

"Wan,  two,  three,  four,  five,  six,"  began  the 
patient.  When  the  young  doctor,  with  a  start, 
opened  his  eyes,  he  was  counting  huskily:  "Tin 
hundred  an'  sixty-nine,  tin  hundred  an'  sivinty* 
tin  hundred  an'  sivinty-wan." 
134 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
THE      MAN      HE      LEFT      BEHIND 

AN  ENGLISH  storekeeper  went  to  the  war  and 
left  his  clerk  behind  to  look  after  things. 
When  he  was  wounded  and  taken  to  the  hospital, 
what  was  his  surprise  to  find  his  clerk  in  the  cot 
next  to  him. 

"Well,  I  thought  1  left  you  to  take  care  of 
the  store,"  said  the  storekeeper. 

"You  did,"  answered  the  clerk.  "But  you 
didn't  tell  me  1  had  to  look  after  your  women 
folks  as  well  as  the  store.  1  stood  it  as  long  as  I 
could  and  then  1  said  to  myself:  'Look  here,  if 
you've  got  to  fight,  you  might  as  well  go  and 
fight  someone  that  you  can  hit.'" 


SOME     SPEED 

IT  WAS  a  dull  day  in  the  trenches,  and  a  bunch 
of  Tommies  had  gathered  and  were  discussing 
events.    After  a  while  the  talk  turned  on  a  big 
Boche  who  had  been  captured  the  night  before. 
"  He  was  scared  stiff,"  said  one  Tommy. 
"  Did  he  run?"  asked  another. 
"Run?"    replied    the    first.     "Why,    if    that 
Boche   had   had  jest  one  feather  in  his  hand 
he'd  'a'  flew." 


135 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A      DEE  P-L  AID       PLAN 

WOULD  you  mind  letting  me  off  fifteen 
minutes  early  after  this,  sir?"  asked  the 
bookkeeper.  "You  see,  I've  moved  into  the 
suburbs  and  I  can't  catch  my  train  unless  I  leave 
at  a  quarter  before  five  o'clock." 

"1  suppose  I'll  have  to,"  grumbled  the  boss; 
"but  you  should  have  thought  of  that  before 
you  moved." 

"  I  did,"  confided  the  bookkeeper  to  the  stenog- 
rapher a  little  later,  "and  that's  the  reason  I 
moved." 


ONLY      ONE      THING      FOR      HIM 

A  THREE-HUNDRED-POUND  man  stood 
gazing  longingly  at  the  nice  things  dis- 
played in  a  haberdasher's  window  for  a  marked- 
down  sale.  A  friend  stopped  to  inquire  if  he 
was  thinking  of  buying  shirts  or  pyjamas. 

"Gosh,  no!"  replied  the  fat  man  wistfully. 
"The  only  thing  that  fits  me  ready-made  is  a 
handkerchief.'* 


A 


A      TEST      OF      FRIENDSHIP 

NDY  FOSTER,  a  well-known  character  in 
his  native  city,  had   recently  shuffled  off 
136 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

this  mortal  soil  in  destitute  circumstances, 
although  in  his  earlier  days  he  enjoyed  financial 
prosperity. 

A  prominent  merchant,  an  old  friend  of  the 
family,  attended  the  funeral  and  was  visibly 
affected  as  he  gazed  for  the  last  time  on  his 
old  friend  and  associate. 

The  mourners  were  conspicuously  few  in 
number  and  some  attention  was  attracted  by 
the  sorrowing  merchant.  "The  old  gentleman 
was  very  dear  to  you?"  ventured  one  of  the 
bearers  after  the  funeral  was  over. 

"Indeed,  he  was,"  answered  the  mourner. 
"Andy  was  one  true  friend.  He  never  asked  me 
to  lend  him  a  cent,  though  I  knew  that  he  was 
practically  starving  to  death." 


BLISSFUL       IGNORANCE 

IT  WAS  during  the  nerve-racking  period  of 
waiting  for  the  signal  to  go  over  the  top  that  a 
seasoned  old  sergeant  noticed  a  young  soldier  fresh 
from  home  visibly  affected  by  the  nearness  of  the 
coming  fight.  His  face  was  pale,  his  teeth  chat- 
tering, and  his  knees  tried  to  touch  each  other. 
It  was  sheer  nervousness,  but  the  sergeant  thought 
it  was  sheer  funk. 

137 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Tompkins,"  he  whispered,  "is  it  trembling 
you  are  for  your  dirty  skin?" 

"No,  no,  sergeant,"  said  he,  making  a  brave 
attempt  to  still  his  limbs.  "I'm  trembling  for 
the  Germans;  they  don't  know  I'm  here." 


GRATEFUL      TO      THE      DOCTOR 

A  CHI  NAM  AN  was  asked  if  there  were  good 
doctors  in  China. 
"Good  doctors!"  he  exclaimed.     "China  have 
best  doctors  in  world.     Hang  Chang  one  good 
doctor;  he  great ;  save  life,  to  me." 
"You  don't  say  so!    How  was  that?" 
"Me  velly  bad,"  he  said.     "Me  callee  Doctor 
Han    Kon.     Give    some    medicine.     Get    velly, 
velly  ill.     Me  callee  Doctor  San  Sing.     Give  more 
medicine.     Me   glow   worse — go   die.     Blimebly 
callee  Doctor  Hang  Chang.     He  got  no  time;  no 
come.     Save  life." 


HE      MIGHT      BE,      BUT      SHE      WASNT 

DINAH  had  been  troubled  with  a  toothache  for 
some  time  before  she  got  up  enough  courage 
to  go  to  a  dentist.     The  moment  he  touched  her 
tooth  she  screamed. 
"What  are  you  making  such  a  noise  for?"  he 
138 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

demanded.     "Don't  you  know  I'm  a    'painless 
dentist'?" 

"Well,  sah,"  retorted  Dinah,  "mebbe  yo'  is 
painless,  but  Ah  isn't." 


A      SPORTING      PROPOSITION 

AN  ARKANSAS  man  who  intended  to  take 
up  a  homestead  claim  in  a  neighboring 
state  sought  information  in  the  matter  from  a 
friend. 

"  I  don't  remember  the  exact  wording  of  the 
law,"  said  the  latter,  "but  I  can  give  ye  the 
meanin'  of  it  all  right.  It's  like  this:  The 
government  of  the  United  States  is  willin'  to 
bet  one  hundred  and  sixty  acres  of  land  against 
fourteen  dollars  that  ye  can't  live  on  it  five  years 
without  starvin'  to  death." 


THE   PROPOSAL 

HE  WAS  a  morbid  youth  and  a  nervous  lover. 
Often  had  he  wished  to  tell  the  maiden  how 
he  longed  to  make  her  all  his  own.  Again  and 
again  had  his  nerve  failed  him.  But  to-night 
there  was  a  "do-or-die"  look  in  his  eye. 

They  started  for  their  usual  walk,  and  rested 
awhile  upon  his  favorite  seat — a  gravestone  in  the 
139 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

village  churchyard.  A  happy  inspiration  seized 
him.  "Maria,"  he  said  in  trembUng  accents — 
"Maria!  When  you  die — how  should  you  like 
to  be  buried  here  with  my  name  on  the  stone 
over  you?" 


KNEW   MORE   ABOUT   HENS   THAN 
HISTORY 

AFTER  reading  the  famous  poem,  "The 
Landing  of  the  Pilgrim  Fathers,"  to  the 
class,  the  teacher  said:  "As  a  drawing  exercise 
suppose  you  each  draw,  according  to  your  im- 
agination, a  picture  of  Plymouth  Rock." 

All  but  one  little  fellow  set  to  work.  He  paused 
and  finally  raised  his  hand. 

"What  is  it,  Edgar?"  the  teacher  asked. 

"Please,  ma'am,"  Edgar  piped  out,  "do  you 
want  us  to  draw  a  hen  or  a  rooster?" 


CHARITY 

BISHOP  PENHURST  was  talking,  in  Boston, 
about  charity. 
"Some  charities,"  he  said,  "remind  me  of  the 
cold,  proud,  beautiful  lady  who,  glittering  with 
diamonds,  swept  forth  from  a  charity  ball  at 
dawn,  crossed  the  frosty  sidewalk,  and  entered 
her  huge  limousine. 

140 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"A  beggar  woman  whined  at  the  window: 

'"Could  ye  give  me  a  trifie  for  a  cup  of  coffee, 
lady?' 

"The  lady  looked  at  the  beggar  reproachfully. 

"  'Good  gracious !'  she  said.  'Here  you  have  the 
nerve  to  ask  me  for  money  when  I've  been  tango- 
ing for  you  the  whole  night  through!  Home, 
James.' 

"And  she  snapped  the  window  shut  in  the 
beggar's  face  indignantly." 


ADVICE      TO      MABEL 

A  LONDON  man  just  back  from  the  States 
says  that  a  little  girl  on  the  train  to  Pitts- 
burgh was  chewing  gum.  Not  only  that,  but  she 
insisted  on  pulling  it  out  in  long  strings  and  let- 
ting it  fall  back  into  her  mouth  again. 

"Mabel!"  said  her  mother  in  a  horrified  whis- 
per. "Mabel,  don't  do  that.  Chew  your  gum 
like  a  little  lady." 


NOT      A      NATIVE 

ANEW  YORK  man  took  a  run  not  long  ago 
into  Connecticut,  to  a  town  where  he  had 
lived  as  a  boy. 
On  his  native  heath  he  accosted  a  venerable  old 
141 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

chap  of  some  eighty  years,  who  proved  to  be  the 
very  person  the  Gothamite  sought  to  answer  cer- 
tain inquiries  concerning  the  place.  As  the  con- 
versation proceeded  the  New  Yorker  said: 

"  I  suppose  you  have  always  lived  around 
here?" 

"No,"  said  the  old  man,  "  I  was  born  two  good 
miles  from  here." 


HE      GOT      IT      TWICE 

THEY  were  twins.  It  was  bathing  time  and 
from  the  twins'  bedroom  came  sounds  of 
hearty  laughter  and  loud  crying.  Their  father 
went  up  to  find  the  cause. 

"What's  the  matter  up  here?"  he  inquire'd. 
The   laughing   twin    pointed   to   his   weeping 
brother.       "Nothing,"  he  giggled,  "only  nurse 
has  given  Alexander  two  baths  and  hasn't  given 
me  any  at  all." 


TOO      MUCH 

ONE  of  the  Scottish  golf  clubs  gives  a  dinner 
each  year  to  the  youngsters  it  employs  as 
caddies.     At  the  feast  last  year  one  of  the  boys 
disdained  to  use  any  of  the  forks  he  found  at  his 
place,  and  loaded  his  food  into  himself  with  his 
142 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

knife.  When  the  ice-cream  course  was  reached 
and  he  still  used  his  knife,  a  boy  who  sat  opppo- 
site  to  him,  and  who  could  stand  it  no  longer, 
shouted : 

"Great  Scot!    Look  at  Skinny,  usin'  his  iron 
all  the  way  round!" 


THE      DIGNITIES      OF      OFFICE 

THIS  story — which  is  perhaps  true  and  per- 
haps not — is  being  told  in  many  Italian 
messrooms.  On  one  of  his  royal  tours,  King 
Victor  Emmanuel  spent  the  night  in  a  small 
country  town,  where  the  people  showed  them- 
selves unusually  eager  in  caring  for  his  comfort. 
So  when  he  had  gone  to  bed,  he  was  surprised  to 
be  wakened  by  a  servant  who  wanted  to  put 
clean  sheets  on  his  bed.  However,  he  waited 
good-naturedly  while  it  was  done,  and  wished  the 
servant  good-night.  He  had  dozed  off  to  sleep, 
when  he  was  roused  for  the  second  time  by  a  rap 
on  the  door;  and  the  servant  reappeared,  asking 
to  change  the  sheets  again. 

Naturally,  the  King  asked  why  the  change  was 
made  so  often.  The  servant  answered  reverently, 
"For  oneself,  one  changes  the  sheets  every  week; 
for  an  honored  friend,  every  day;  but  for  a  king, 
every  hour." 

•43 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
FAME 

ALONG  ISLAND  teacher  was  recounting  the 
story  of  Red  Riding  Hood.  After  de- 
scribing the  woods  and  the  wild  animals  that 
flourished  therein,  she  added: 

"Suddenly  Red  Riding  Hood  heard  a  great 
noise.  She  turned  about,  and  what  do  you  sup- 
pose she  saw  standing  there,  gazing  at  her  and 
showing  all  its  sharp,  white  teeth?" 

"Teddy  Roosevelt!"  volunteerea  one  of  the 
boys. 


NO      PEACE      FOR      HIM 

WILLIE  was  out  walking  with  his  mother, 
when  she  thought  she  saw  a  boy  on  the 
other  side  of  the  street  making  faces  at  her 
darling. 

"Willie,"  asked  mother,  "is  that  horrid  boy 
making  faces  at  you?" 

"He  is,"  replied  Willie,  giving  his  coat  a  tug. 
"Now,  mother,  don't  start  any  peace  talk — you 
just  hold  my  coat  for  about  five  minutes." 


N 


BOILED 

OT  long  ago  the  editor  of  an  English  paper 
ordered  a  story  of  a  certain  length,  but  when 
144 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  story  arrived  he  discovered  that  the  author 
had  written  several  hundred  words  too  many. 

The  paper  was  already  late  in  going  to  press 
so  there  was  no  alternative — the  story  must  be 
condensed  to  fit  the  allotted  space.  Therefore 
the  last  few  paragraphs  were  cut  down  to  a  single 
sentence.     It  read  thus : 

"The  Earl  took  a  Scotch  high-ball,  his  hat,  his 
departure,  no  notice  of  his  pursuers,  a  revolver  out 
of  his  hip  pocket,  and  finally,  his  life." 


FORCED      INTO      IT 

EVEN  the  excessive  politeness  of  some  men 
may    be    explained    on    purely    practical 
grounds.     Of  a  certain  suburbanite,  a  friend  said: 
"  1  heard  him  speaking  most  beautifully  of  his 
wife   to   another   lady   on   the   train  just   now. 
Rather  unusual  in  a  man  these  days." 

"Not  under  the  circumstances,"  said  the  other 
man.  "That  was  a  new  cook  he  was  escorting 
out." 


HOODOOED 


APPEALING  to  a  lady  for  aid,  an  o'd  darky 
told  her  that  through  the  Dayton  flood  he 
had  lost  everything  he  had  in  the  world,  including 
his  wife  and  six  children. 

•45 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES^ 

"Why,"  said  the  lady,  *' \  have  seen  you  be- 
fore and  I  have  helped  you.  Were  you  not  the 
colored  man  who  told  me  you  had  lost  your  wife 
and  six  children  by  the  sinking  of  the  Titanic?" 

"  Yeth,  ma'am,  dat  wuz  me.  Mos'  unfort'nit 
man  dat  eber  wuz.     Kain't  keep  a  fam'ly  nohow." 


SAFE      DEPOSIT 

AN  OLD  lady,  who  was  sitting  on  the  porch 
of  a  hotel  at  Asheville,  North  Carolina, 
where  also  there  were  a  number  of  youngsters, 
was  approached  by  one  of  them  with  this  query: 

"Can  you  crack  nuts?" 

The  old  lady  smiled  and  said:  "No,  my  dear, 
I  can't.     I  lost  all  my  teeth  years  ago." 

"Then,"  said  the  boy,  extending  two  hands  full 
of  walnuts,  "  please  hold  these  while  I  go  and  get 
some  more." 


THE      MATTER      WITH       KANSAS 

GOVERNOR  CAPPER,  of  Kansas,  recently 
pointed  out  what  he  deemed  to  be  the 
"matter  with  Kansas."  The  average  Kansan, 
he  said,  gets  up  in  the  morning  in  a  house  made  in 
Michigan,  at  the  sound  of  an  alarm  clock  made 
in  Illinois;  puts  on  his  Missouri  overalls;  washes 
146 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

his  hands  with  Cincinnati  soap  in  a  Pennsylvania 
basin;  sits  down  to  a  Grand  Rapids  table;  eats 
Battle  Creek  breakfast  food  and  Chicago  bacon 
cooked  on  a  Michigan  range;  puts  New  York 
harness  on  a  span  of  Missouri  mules  and  hitches 
them  to  a  South  Bend  wagon,  or  starts  up  his 
Illinois  tractor  with  a  Moline  plow  attached. 
After  the  day's  work  he  rides  down  town  in  a 
Detroit  automobile,  buys  a  box  of  St.  Louis  candy 
for  his  wife,  and  spins  back  home,  where  he  lis- 
tens to  music  "  canned  "  in  New  Jersey. 


THE      BETTER      WAY 

CHARLES  M.  SCHWAB,  congratulated  in 
Pittsburgh  on  a  large  war  order  contract 
which  he  had  just  received  from  one  of  the 
warring  nations,  said: 

"Some  people  call  it  luck,  but  they  are  mis- 
taken. Whatever  success  I  have  is  due  to  hard 
work  and  not  to  luck. 

"  I  remember  a  New  York  business  man  who 
crossed  the  ocean  with  me  one  winter  when  the 
whole  country  was  suffering  from  hard  times. 

"'And  you,  Mr.  Schwab,'  the  New  Yorker 
said,  'are,  like  the  rest  of  us,  I  suppose,  hoping 
for  better  things?' 

"'No,  my  friend,'   I   replied.     'No,  I  am  not 

147 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

hoping  for  better  things.     I've  got  my  sleeves 
rolled  up  and  I  'm  working  for  them.' " 


A      HORSE     PSYCHOLOGIST 

TWICE  as  the  horse-bus  slowly  wended  its 
way  up  the  steep  hill  the  door  at  the  rear 
opened  and  slammed.  At  first  those  inside  paid 
little  heed,  but  the  third  time  they  demanded  to 
know  why  they  should  be  disturbed  in  this 
fashion. 

"Whist!"  cautioned  the  driver.  "Don't  spake 
so  loud.     He'll  overhear  us." 

"Who?" 

"  The  hoss.  Spake  low.  Shure  Oo'm  desavin' 
the  crayture.  Every  toime  he  'ears  th'  door 
close  he  thinks  wan  o'  yez  is  gettin'  down  ter 
walk  up  th'  hill,  an'  that  sort  o'  raises  'is  sperrits." 


STILL      NOT      SATISFIED 

MRS.  HIGGINS  was  an  incurable  grumbler. 
She  grumbled  at  everything  and  everyone. 
But  at  last  the  vicar  thought  he  had  found 
something  about  which  she  could  make  no  com- 
plaint; the  old  lady's  crop  of  potatoes  was  cer- 
tainly the  finest  for  miles  round. 

"Ah,  for  once  you  must  be  well  pleased,"  he 
said,  with  a  beaming  smile,  as  he  met  her  in  the 
148 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

village  street.     "Everyone's  saying  how  splendid 

your  potatoes  are  this  year." 
The  old  lady  glowered  at  him  as  she  answered: 
"They're  not  so  poor.     But  where's  the  bad 

ones  for  the  pigs?" 


A     c  o  A  X  E  R 

THE  latest  American  church  device  for 
"raising  the  wind"  is  what  a  religious  paper 
describes  as  "some  collection-box."  The  inven- 
tor hails  from  Oklahoma.  If  a  member  of  the 
congregation  drops  in  a  twenty-five  cent  piece  or 
a  coin  of  larger  value,  there  is  silence.  If  it  is  a 
ten-cent  piece  a  bell  rings,  a  five-cent  piece  sounds 
a  whistle,  and  a  cent  fires  a  blank  cartridge.  If 
any  one  pretends  to  be  asleep  when  the  box  passes, 
it  awakens  him  with  a  watchman's  rattle,  and  a 
kodak  takes  his  portrait. 


AUTOMATIC  EFFICIENCY 

A  YOUNG  lady  telephone  operator  recently 
attended  a  watch-night  service  and  fell 
asleep  during  the  sermon.  At  the  close  the 
preacher  said,  "We  will  now  sing  hymn  number 
three  forty-one — three  forty-one." 

The  young  lady,  just  waking  in  time  to  hear  the 
number,  yawned  and  said,  "  The  line  is  busy." 
149 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
THE      WINNER 

WHILE  Chopin  probably  did  not  time  his 
"Minute  Waltz"  to  exactly  sixty  sec- 
onds, some  auditors  insist  that  it  lives  up  to  its 
name.  Mme.  Theodora  Surkow-Ryder  on  one  of 
her  tours  played  the  "Minute  Waltz"  as  an 
encore,  first  telling  her  audience  what  it  was. 
Thereupon  a  huge  man  in  a  large  riding  suit 
took  out  an  immense  silver  watch,  held  it  open 
almost  under  her  nose,  and  gravely  proceeded 
to  time  her.  The  pianist's  fingers  flew  along  the 
keys,  and  her  anxiety  was  rewarded  when  the  man 
closed  the  watch  with  a  loud  slap  and  said  in  a 
booming  voice:  "Gosh!    She's  done  it." 


TAXED      TO      CAPACITY 

A  FRIENDLY  American  who  has  just  ar- 
rived in  London  brings  a  story  of  Edison. 
The  great  inventor  was  present  at  a  dinner  in 
New  York  to  which  Count  Bernstorff  had  also 
found  his  way.  The  Count  spoke  of  the  number 
of  new  ships  which  Germany  had  built  since  the 
war  began.  He  was  listened  to  respectfully 
enough,  although  a  little  coldly,  because  the  sym- 
pathies of  the  oarty  were  not  with  him  or  Ger- 
many. 
When  he  had  stopped,  Edison  looked  up  and 
150 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

said  in  a  still,  small  voice,  and  with  a  serious 
face: 

"Must  not  the  Kiel  Canal  be  very  crowded, 
your  Excellency?" 


GASTRONOMICAL 

A  MAN  and  a  woman  entered  a  cafe. 
"Do  you  want  oysters,  Louise?"  asked 
the  man,  as  he  glanced  over  the  bill  of  fare. 

"Yes,  George,"  answered  the  woman,  "and  I 
want  a  hassock,  too." 

George  nodded,  and  as  he  handed  the  waiter 
his  written  order,  he  said: 

"  Bring  a  hassock  for  the  lady." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  answered  the  waiter,  "one  hassock." 

A  moment  later  the  waiter,  apparently  puzzled, 
approached  the  man,  and  leaning  over  him,  said : 

"Excuse  me,  sir,  but  I  have  only  been  here 
two  days  and  do  not  want  to  make  any  mis- 
takes. Will  the  lady  have  the  hassock  broiled  or 
fried?" 


A       LITERAL      CENSOR 

JOE  T.  MARSHALL,  formerly  of  Kansas, 
recently  became  the  father  of  an  eight-pound 
boy,  and  wished  to  cable  the  news  to  his  family  in 
America. 

151 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

The  censor  refused  to  allow  the  message  to 
go  through. 

"What's  the  matter?"  Marshall  asked  indig- 
nantly. 

"We  aren't  permitted  to  announce  the  arrival 
of  Americans  in  France!" 


UP      TO      HIM 

DAVID  BELASCO  was  smiling  at  the  ex- 
travagant attentions  that  are  lavished  by 
the  rich  upon  pet  dogs.  He  spoke  of  the  canine 
operations  for  appendicitis,  the  canine  tooth 
crownings,  the  canine  wardrobes,  and  then  he 
said: 

"How  servants  hate  these  pampered  curs! 
At  a  house  where  1  was  calling  one  cold  day  the  fat 
and  pompous  butler  entered  the  drawing-room 
and  said: 

"'Did  you  ring,  madam?' 

"  'Yes,  Harrison,  I  wish  you  to  take  Fido  out 
walking  for  two  hours.' 

"Harrison  frowned  slightly.  'But  Fido  won't 
follow  me,  madam,'  he  said. 

"  Then,  Harrison,  you  must  follow  Fido."* 


153 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
NOT      IN      THE      TACTICS 

A  COMPANY  of  very  new  soldiers  were  out 
on  a  wide  heath,  practising  the  art  of 
taking  cover.  The  officer  in  charge  of  them 
turned  to  one  of  the  rawest  of  his  men. 

"Get  down  behind  that  hillock  there,"  he 
ordered,  sternly,  "and  mind,  not  a  move  or  a 
sound!" 

A  few  minutes  later  he  looked  around  to  see  if 
they  were  all  concealed,  and,  to  his  despair, 
observed  something  wriggling  behind  the  small 
mound.  Even  as  he  watched  the  movements 
became  more  frantic. 

"I  say,  you  there!"  he  shouted,  angrily,  "do 
you  know  you  are  giving  our  position  away  to 
the  enemy?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  said  the  recruit,  in  a  voice  of  cool 
desp)eration,  "and  do  you  know  that  this  is  an 
anthill?" 


A      GUILTY      CONSCIENCE 

A  YOUNG  fellow  who  was  the  crack  sprinter 
of  his  town — somewhere  in  the  South — was 
unfortunate  enough  to  have  a  very  dilatory  laun- 
dress. One  evening,  when  he  was  out  for  a 
practice  run  in  his  rather  airy  and  abbreviated 
track  costume,  he  chanced  to  dash  past  the  house 

»53 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

of  that  dusky  lady,  who  at  the  time  was  a  couple 
of  weeks  in  arrears  with  his  washing. 

He  had  scarcely  reached  home  again  when  the 
bell  rang  furiously  and  an  excited  voice  was  wafted 
in  from  the  porch: 

"Foh  de  Lawd's  sake!  won't  you-all  tell  Marse 
Bob  please  not  to  go  out  no  moh  till  I  kin  git  his 
clo'es  round  to  him?" 


MAKING      IT      FIT 

DID  you  hear  about  the  defacement  of  Mr. 
Skinner's  tombstone?"  asked  Mr.  Brown  a 
few  days  after  the  funeral  of  that  eminent  cap- 
tain of  industry. 

"No,  what  was  it?"  inquired  his  neighbor 
curiously. 

"  Someone  added  the  word  'friends'  to  the  epi- 
taph." 

"What  was  the  epitaph?" 

"'He  did  his  best.'" 


A      LESSON      IN      MANNERS 

THIS  is  the  way  the  agent  got  a  lesson  in 
manners.  He  called  at  a  business  office,  and 
saw  nobody  but  a  prepossessing  though  capable- 
appearing  young  woman. 

154 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Where's  the  boss? "  he  asked  abruptly. 

"  What  is  your  business?  "  she  asked  politely. 

"None  of  yours!  "he  snapped.  "I  got  a  proposi- 
tion to  lay  before  this  firm,  and  I  want  to  talk  to 
somebody  about  it." 

"And  you  would  rather  talk  to  a  gentleman?" 

"Yes." 

"Well,"  answered  the  lady,  smiling  sweetly, 
"so  would  I.  But  it  seems  that  it's  impos- 
sible for  either  one  of  us  to  have  our  wish,  so  we'll 
have  to  make  the  best  of  it.  State  your  business, 
please!" 


AN       UNFORTUNATE      AFFAIR 

LOOK  here,"  yelled  the  infuriated  bridegroom 
of  a  day,  dashing  wildly  into  the  editor's 
room  of  the  country  weekly;  "what  do  you  mean 
by  such  an  infernal  libel  on  me  in  your  account 
of  our  wedding?" 

"What's  the  matter?"  asked  the  editor  calmly. 
"  Didn't  we  say  that  after  your  wedding  tour 
you  would  make  your  home  at  the  Old   Manse?" 

"  Yes,"  howled  the  newly  made  benedict, 
"and  just  see  how  you've  spelled  it." 

And  the  editor  looked  and  read: 

After  their  wedding  tour  the  newly  married  couple  will 
makt  their  home  at  the  Old  Man's. 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
CURIOSITY 

CHILDREN,"  said  the  Sunday-school  super- 
intendent, "this  picture  illustrates  to- 
day's lesson:  Lot  was  warned  to  take  his  wife 
and  daughters  and  flee  out  of  Sodom.  Here  are 
Lot  and  his  daughters,  with  his  wife  just  behind 
them;  and  there  is  Sodom  in  the  background. 
Now,  has  any  girl  or  boy  a  question  before  we 
take  up  the  study  of  the  lesson?     Well,  Susie?  " 

"Pleathe,    thir,"    lisped    the   latest    graduate 
from  the  infant  class,  "  where  ith  the  flea?  " 


THE       SIMPLE       POLITICAL      LIFE 

THE  American  characteristic  which  demands 
ornaments  and  "fixin's"  to  all  ceremonies,  as 
contrasted  with  genuine  simplicity,  is  thus  scored 
by  Judge  Pettingill  of  Chanute: 

"My  ambition  in  life,"  said  the  Judge, 
"is  to  be  the  organizer  of  a  lodge  without  flub- 
dub, gold  tassel  uniforms,  red  tape  ritual,  a 
regiment  of  officers  with  high-sounding  titles,  a 
calisthenic  drill  of  idiotic  signs  and  grips,  a  goat, 
and  members  who  call  each  other  'brother.'  I 
would  name  the  presiding  officer  'it,'  and  its 
first  by-law  would  provide  for  the  expulsion  of 
the  member  who  advocated  the  wearing  of  a 
lodge  pin." 

156 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
PIGTAILS      AND      MOUSTACHES 

WHEN  Wu  Ting  Fang  was  Minister  to  the 
United  States  from  China,  he  visited 
Chicago.  A  native  of  the  Windy  City  said  to  him 
at  a  reception: 

"  Mr.  Wu,  I  see  there  is  a  movement  in  China 
to  abolish  the  pigtails  you  wear.  Why  do  you 
wear  the  foolish  thing,  anyhow?" 

"Well,"  countered  Mr.  Wu,  "why  do  you 
wear  your  foolish  moustache?" 

"Oh,  that's  different,"  said  the  Chicago  man; 
"  you  see  1  've  got  an  impossible  mouth." 

"So  1  should  suppose,"  retorted  Mr.  Wu, 
"judging  from  some  of  your  remarks." 


HIS   SEARCH   FOR   THE   PRACTICAL 

NOW,"  it  was  explained  to  Aladdin,  "this  is  a 
wonderful  lamp.  Rub  it  and  a  genie  appears." 
"1   see  little  to  that,"  he  replied.     "What   I 
want  is  a  lamp  that  won't  go  out  on  my  auto- 
mobile and  get  me  pinched  by  a  traffic  cop." 


HARD      UP      FOR      WIND 

EVERYTHING  in  the  dear  old  village  seemed 
the  same  to  Jones  after  his  absence  of  four 
years.  The  old  church,  the  village  pump,  the  ducks 

•57 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

on  the  green,  the  old  men  smoking  while  their 
wives  gossip — it  was  so  restful  after  the  rush 
and  bustle  of  the  city.  Suddenly  he  missed 
something. 

"Where's  Hodge's  windmill?"  he  asked  in 
surprise.  "  I  can  only  see  one  mill,  and  there  used 
to  be  two." 

The  native  gazed  thoughtfully  round,  as  if  to 
verify  the  statement.     Then  he  said  slowly : 

"  They  pulled  one  down.  There  weren't  enough 
wind  for  two  on  'em !" 


HE       KNEW      BRYAN 

AT  A  recent  political  convention  two  of 
the  delegates  were  discussing  the  religious 
afTiliations  of  prominent  statesmen,  when  one 
of  them,  a  Baptist,  observed  to  the  other,  who  was 
a  Methodist: 

"  I  understand  that  William  Jennings  Bryan  has 
turned  Baptist." 

"What?"   exclaimed  the  Methodist.     "Why, 
that  can't  be!" 

"  Yes,  it  is,"  persisted  the  Baptist. 
"No,  sir,"  continued  the  Methodist;  "it  can't 
be  true.      To  become  a  Baptist  one  must  be  en- 
tirely immersed." 

158 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Yes,  that  is  very  true;  but  what  has  that  to 
do  with  it?" 

"Simply  this,"  returned  the  Methodist:  "Mr. 
Bryan  would  never  consent  to  disappear  from 
pubHc  view  as  long  as  that." 


HIS      NEED 

JOHN  HENDRICKS,  a  singular  Western  char- 
acter, awoke  one  morning  to  find  himself 
wealthy  through  a  rich  mining  strike.  Soon  he 
concluded  to  broaden  his  mind  by  travel,  and 
decided  to  go  to  Europe  Boarding  the  ship,  he 
singled  out  the  captain  and  said:  "Captain,  if  1 
understand  the  way  this  here  ship  is  constructed 
it's  got  several  water-tight  compartments?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"Water's  all  on  the  outside — can't  none  get 
in  nohow?" 

"No,  sir." 

"Captain,"  said  Hendricks,  decidedly,  "  I 
want  one  o'  them  compartments — 1  don't  care 
what  it  costs  extry." 


ALL      OR      NOTHING 

SENATOR  JIM  NYE  of  Nebraska  tells  this 
story  to  illustrate  some  of  the  evils  of  pro- 
hibition. The  Senator  said,  apropos  of  his  visit 
to  a  "dry"  town. 

159 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"After  a  long  speech  and  then  talking  to  all  the 
magnates  of  the  neighborhood,  I  went  to  bed  dry 
as  a  powder  horn.  1  could  not  sleep  and  as  soon  as 
it  was  daylight  1  went  down  into  the  dining  room. 
As  1  sat  there  the  mistress  of  the  house  came  in 
and  said  'Senator,  you  are  up  early.'  I  said: 
'Yes,  living  in  the  West  so  long,  1  am  afflicted 
with  malaria,  and  1  could  not  sleep.'  She  went 
over  to  a  tea  caddy,  took  out  a  bottle  and  said: 
'Senator,  this  is  a  prohibition  town,  you  know,  but 
we  have  malaria  and  we  find  this  a  good  antidote. 
1  know  it  will  do  you  good.'" 

The  Senator  seized  the  bottle  with  avidity  and 
thankfulness.  He  settled  again  in  his  seat  by  the 
window,  more  in  harmony  with  the  world.  Then 
the  head  of  the  house  came  in  and  said :  "  Senator, 
you  are  up  early."  He  replied:  "Yes,  malaria, 
you  know."  "Well,"  said  the  old  gentleman, 
"we  have  a  cure  for  that.  This  is  a  prohibition 
town;  it  is  good  thing  for  our  work  people;  but  I 
have  a  little  safety  in  my  locker,"  and  he  pro- 
duced a  bottle. 

After  the  old  gentleman  left  the  two  sons  came 
in  and  said :  "  Senator,  are  you  fond  of  livestock?  " 
The  Senator  by  that  time  was  fond  of  everything 
and  everybody.  He  said:  "Yes,  I  love  live- 
stock, I  have  plenty  of  it  on  my  ranch."  They 
i6o 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

said:  "Come  out  to  the  barn  and  we  will  show 
you  some."  They  took  him  out  to  the  barn, 
closed  the  doors,  and  said:  "Senator,  we  know 
you  must  have  had  a  hard  time  last  night.  We 
have  no  livestock  but  we  have  a  bottle  in  the 
haymow."     Senator  Nye  then  said: 

"The  trouble  with  a  prohibition  town  is  that 
when  you  most  need  it  you  can't  get  it,  and  when  it 
does  come  it  is  like  a  Western  flood,  too  much 
of  it." 


BUSINESS      IS      BUSINESS 

EUGENE  was  a  very  mischievous  little  boy 
and  his  mother's  patience  was  worn  to  the 
limit.  She  had  spoken  very  nicely  to  him  several 
times  without  effect.     Finally  she  said : 

"  You  are  a  perfect  little  heathen ! " 

"  Do  you  mean  it?  "  demanded  Eugene. 

"  Indeed,  1  do,"  said  the  mother. 

"Then,  mother,"  said  the  boy,  "why  can't  I 
keep  that  ten  cents  a  week  you  gimme  for  the 
Sunday-school  collection?  I  guess  I'm  as  hard 
up  as  any  of  the  rest  of  'em." 


i6i 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
THE      BOOTBLACK  's      GENEROSITY 

WHEN  Paderewski  was  on  his  last  visit  to 
America  he  was  in  a  Boston  suburb, 
when  he  was  approached  by  a  bootblack  who 
called : 

"Shine?" 

The  great  pianist  looked  down  at  the  youth 
whose  face  was  streaked  with  grime  and  said : 

"No,  my  lad,  but  if  you  will  wash  your  face 
I  will  give  you  a  quarter." 

"All  right!"  exclaimed  the  youth,  who  forth- 
with ran  to  a  neighboring  trough  and  made  his 
ablutions. 

When  he  returned  Paderewski  held  out  the 
quarter,  which  the  boy  took  but  immediately 
handed  back,  saying: 

"  Here,  Mister,  you  take  it  yourself  and  get  your 
hair  cut." 


ON      DUTY      ELSEWHERE 

AN  IRISH  soldier  had  lost  an  eye  in  battle, 
but  v/as  allowed  to  continue  in  the  service 
on  consenting  to  have  a  glass  eye  in  its  place. 
One  day,  however,  he  appeared  on  parade  without 
his  artificial  eye. 

"Nolan,"  said  the  officer,  "you  are  not  properly 
162 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

dressed.     Why  is  your  artificial  eye  not  in  its 
place?" 

"Sure,  sir,"  replied  Nolan,       "I  left  it  in  me 
box  to  keep  an  eye  on  me  kit  while  I'm  on  parade." 


THE       KAISERS       LAST      WORD 

ARTHUR  TRAIN,  the  novelist,  put  down  a 
German   newspaper  at  the  Century  Club, 
in  New  York,  with  an  impatient  grunt. 

"It  says  here,"  he  explained,  "that  it  is  Ger- 
many who  will  speak  the  last  word  in  this  war." 
Then  the  novelist  laughed  angrily  and  added: 
"  Yes,  Germany  will  speak  the  last  word  in  the 
war,  and  that  last  word  will  be  'Kamerad!'" 


A  REVISED   CLASSI  C — T  H  E 
SLEEPING   BEAUTY 

WHEN  the  Prince  entered  the  enchanted 
castle  he  noticed  about  it  an  air  of  unusual 
quiet,  as  if  there  were  a  meeting  of  the  American 
Peace  Society. 

"Everybody  is  asleep,"  he  muttered.     "There 
isn't  a  single  defense  gun  mounted  on  a  parapet. 
I  don't  believe  there  is  a  rifle  on  the  premises. 
No  ammunition,  either." 
163 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Walking  rapidJy  upstairs,  he  saw  a  couple  of 
servants  lying  prone. 

"This  reminds  me  of  the  time  I  lived  in  the 
suburbs,"  he  continued. 

Entering  one  of  the  sleeping-rooms,  he  dis- 
covered the  celebrated  beauty,  sound  asleep,  in 
the  four-poster. 

"This  must  be  a  frame-up,"  he  observed.  "1 
see  it  all.  If  1  wake  her  up,  1  shall  have  to  marry 
her." 

He  was  about  to  pass  down  the  stairs,  when  a 
voice  stopped  him. 

"Well,  why  not?"  said  the  voice.  "The  young 
woman  has  not  received  a  modern  education. 
She  cannot  drive  a  motor,  play  bridge,  insist 
upon  your  going  to  the  most  fashionable  restau- 
rant and  ordering  eight  dollars'  worth  of  worth- 
less imitation  food,  dance  like  a  fiend,  and  spend 
money  generally  like  the  manager  of  an  interna- 
tional war.  She's  been  asleep  so  long  that  she 
might  be  just  the  one  you  want." 

"By  Jove!"  exclaimed  the  Prince.  "And  to 
think  I  might  have  gone  off  without  her!"  So 
saying,  he  did  the  proper  thing. 


164 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
SPECIALLY   ENDOWED 

SOME  un  sick  at  yo'  house.  Mis'  Carter?" 
inquired  Lila.  "Ah  seed  de  doctah's  kyar 
eroun'  dar  yestidy." 

"  It  was  for  my  brother,  Lila." 

"Sho!    What's  he  done  got  de  matter  of  'im?" 

"Nobody  seems  to  know  what  the  disease  is. 
He  can  eat  and  sleep  as  well  as  ever,  he  stays  out 
all  day  long  on  the  veranda  in  the  sun,  and  seems 
as  well  as  anyone,  but  he  can't  do  any  work  at  all." 

"  He  cain't — yo'  says  he  cain't  work?  " 

"Not  a  stroke." 

"Law,  Mis'  Carter,  dat  ain't  no  disease  what 
yo'  broth'  got.     Dat's  a  gif !" 


NO      J  o  Q  u  E 

THE   difficulties  of  western   journalism   are 
illustrated    by   the   following   notice   from 
The  Rocky  Mountain  Cyclone: 

;.D    ASTRA    PER    ASPERA 

We  begin  the  publication  ov  the  Rocy  Mountain 
Cyclone  with  some  phew  diphiculties  in  the  way. 
The  type  phounder  phrom  whom  we  bought  our 
outphit  phor  this  printing  ophice  phailed  to  sup- 
ply us  with  any  ephs  or  cays,  and  it  will  be  phour 
or  phive  weex  bephore  we  can  get  any.  We  have 
16c; 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

ordered  the  missing  letters  and  will  have  to  get 
along  without  them  until  they  come.  We  don't 
lique  the  loox  ov  this  variety  ov  spelling  any 
better  than  our  readers,  but  mistaix  will  happen 
in  the  best  ov  regulated  phamilies,  and  iph  the 
ephs  and  c's  and  x's  and  q's  hold  out  we  shall 
ceep  (sound  the  c  hard)  the  Cyclone  whirling 
aphter  a  phashion  till  the  sorts  arrive.  It  is  no 
joque  to  us,  it's  a  serious  aphair. 


ELIMINATION 

TO  MEET  every  situation  which  arises,  and 
to  do  it  in  diplomatic  language,  is  only  the 
giftof  the  elect  : 

"Waiter,  bring  me  two  fried  eggs,  some  ham, 
a  cup  of  coffee,  and  a  roll,"  said  a  traveler  in  a 
city  of  the  Middle  West. 

"Bring  me  the  same,"  said  his  friend,  "but 
eliminate  the  eggs." 

"  Yessir,"  said  the  waiter. 

In  a  moment  he  came  back,  leaned  confidenti- 
ally and  penitently  over  the  table,  and  whispered: 

"We  'ad  a  bad  accident  just  before  we  opened 
this  momin',  sir,  and  the  'andle  of  the  liminator 
got  busted  off.    Will  you  take  yer   eggs   fried, 
same  as  this  'ere  gentleman?" 
1 66 


N 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
HIS      GREAT      AMBITION 

O  TRUE  American  likes  to  acknowledge 
tiiat  he  has  a  superior,  even  in  his  own 
family. 

Little  Sydney  had  reached  the  mature  age  of 
three  and  was  about  to  discard  petticoats  for 
the  more  manly  raiment  of  knickerbockers. 
The  mother  had  determined  to  make  the  oc- 
casion a  memorable  one.  The  breakfast  table 
was  laden  with  good  things  when  the  newly 
breeched  infant  was  led  into  the  room. 

"Ah!"  exclaimed  the  proud  mother,  "now  you 
are  a  little  man!" 

Sydney,  thoughtfully  displaying  his  garments 
to  their  full  advantage,  edged  close  to  his  mother 
and  whispered,  "  Can  I  call  pa  Bill  now?  " 


GUIDE 


OUR  boys  in  France  need  little  guidance  to 
become  on   good   terms  with  the  French 
girls.     The  following  hints  at  conversation  have 
therefore  been  made  as  simple  as  possible: 
Bong  swah,  mad-mwa-zell !    Vou  zay  tray  beauti- 
ful. 
Kesker  say  votr  name? 
Zhe  swee  Edward  Jones. 
167 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Vooley  vcx)  take  a  walk? 

Eecy  ate  oon  fine  place  to  sit  down. 

Bokoo  moon  to-night,  nace  paw? 

Avay  voo  ever  studied  palmistry? 

Donney  mwa  votr  hand. 

Votr  hand  ay  tray  soft ! 

Dahn  lay  Zaytah  Unee  are  bokoo  girls,  may  voo 

zay  more  beautiful  than  any  of  them. 
Chay  mwa  zhe  nay  pah  seen  a  girl  that  could 

touch  voo ! 
Voo  zay  oon  peach ! 
Le  coleur  de  votr  yer  ay  tray  beautiful. 
Votr  dress  ay  bokoo  dress. 
Donney  mwa  oon  kiss? 
Zhe  voo  zame ! 


APPREHENDING      THE      KAISER 

EARLY  in  the  war  the  Kaiser  was  haled  before 
a  Virginia  court.  At  least  that  was  the  in- 
tention of  Charles  L.  Zoll,  justice  of  the  peace 
of  Broad  Run  district,  Loudoun  County,  who 
delivered  into  the  hands  of  the  Sheriff  this  war- 
rant: 

Commonwealth  of  Virginia,  County  of  Loudoun,  to  wit: 

To  the  Sheriff  of  the  said  county: 

Wheras,  Woodrow  Wilson  has  this  day  made  oath  before  me, 
a  justice  of  said  court,  that  William  Hohan  Zollern,  alias  Wil- 
helm,  has  at  various  times  and  places  between  July,  1914,  and 

168 


BEST       SHORT      STORIES 

November,  191 7,  committed  murder,  assault,  and  arson  upon 
the  bodies  of  various  people  and  sundry  properties,  against 
the  peace  and  dignity  of  the  Government  of  the  United  States, 
the  State  of  Virginia  and  Broad  Run  district  in  particular. 

These  are  therefore  in  the  name  of  the  Commonwealth  of 
Virginia  and  the  Government  of  the  United  States  to  command 
you  to  forthwith  apprehend  the  said  William  Hohan  Zollern, 
alias  Kaiser  Wilhelm,  and  bring  his  body  before  me  at  my  office 
in  Aushbum,  Va.,  to  answer  said  charges,  and  there  and  then 
be  dealt  with  according  to  law. 

And  by  the  power  vested  in  me  I  hereby  extend  your  juris- 
diction to  the  Continent  of  Europe  and  I  do  by  these  presents 
declare  the  said  William  Hohan  Zollern,  alias  Kaiser  Wilhelm, 
to  be  an  outlaw,  and  offer  as  a  reward  for  his  apprehension 
three  barrels  of  corn,  five  bushels  of  potatoes  and  meat  of  ham, 
said  ham  to  weigh  not  less  than  twenty-one  pounds  nor  more 
than  thirty-five  pounds. 

And  you  are  moreover  required  to  summon  .Marshal  Joffre. 
Albert,  King  of  the  Belgians;  Victor  Emanuel  of  Italy  and 
George  V  to  appear  at  same  time  and  place  as  witnesses  in  be- 
half of  the  Commonwealth  touching  the  matter  said  complaint. 

Given  under  my  hand  and  seal  this  28th  day  of  November, 
1917. 

Charles  L.  Zoll, 

Justice  of  the  Peace. 


JUSTICE      TO      T.     R. 

IN  THE  English  royal  library  at  Windsor,  in  the 
centre  of  the  magazine  table,  there  is  a  large 
album  of  pictures  of  many  eminent  and   popular 
men    and    women    of    the    day.     This    book    is 
divided  into  sections — a  section  for  each  calling 
169 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

or  profession.  Some  years  ago  Prince  Edward, 
in  looking  through  the  book,  came  across 
the  pages  devoted  to  the  pictures  of  the  rulers 
of  the  various  nations.  Prominently  placed 
among  these  was  a  large  photograph  of  Colonel 
Roosevelt. 

"Father,"  asked  Prince  Edward,  placing  his 
fmger  on  the  Colonel's  picture,  "Mr.  Roosevelt 
is  a  very  clever  man,  isn't  he?" 

"Yes,  child,"  answered  King  George  with  a 
smile.  "He  is  a  great  and  good  man.  In  some 
respects  1  look  upon  him  as  a  genius." 

A  few  days  later,  King  George,  casually  glanc- 
ing through  the  album,  noticed  that  President 
Roosevelt's  photograph  had  been  removed  and 
placed  in  the  section  devoted  to  "  Men  and  Women 
of  the  Time."  On  asking  the  Prince  whether 
he  had  removed  the  picture,  the  latter  solemnly 
replied :  "  Yes,  sir.  You  told  me  the  other  day 
that  you  thought  Mr.  Roosevelt  a  genius,  so  I 
took  him  away  from  the  kings  and  emperors  and 
put  him  among  the  famous  people." 


HE      WAS      NOT      A       PROHIBITIONIST 

WHEN    the    question   of    America's    being 
prepared  for  war  was  uppermost  Repre- 
sentative Thomas  Heflin,  of  Alabama,  told  the 
170 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

following  Story  to  illustrate  his  belief  that  we 
ought  always  to  be  ready : 

"There  was  an  old  fellow  down  in  north 
Alabama  and  out  in  the  mountains;  he  kept  his 
jug  in  the  hole  of  a  log.  He  would  go  down  at 
sundown  to  take  a  swig  of  mountain  dew — moun- 
tain dew  that  had  never  been  humiliated  by  a 
revenue  officer  nor  insulted  by  a  green  stamp. 
He  drank  that  liquid  concoction  that  came 
fresh  from  the  heart  of  the  com,  and  he  glowed. 
One  evening  while  he  was  letting  the  good  liquor 
trickle  down  his  throat  he  felt  something  touch  his 
foot.  He  looked  down  and  saw  a  big  rattle- 
snake coiled  ready  to  strike. 

"The  old  fellow  took  anothe  r  swig  of  the  com, 
and  in  defiance  he  swept  that  snake  with  his 
eyes. 

'"Strike,  dem  you,  strike,  you  will  never  find 
me  better  prepared.'' 


HE      SCORNED      THE      THOUGHT 

THE  father  of  a  certain  charming  girl  is  well 
known  in  this  town  as  "a  very  tight  old 
gentleman."  When  dad  recently  received  a 
young  man,  who  for  some  time  had  been  "  paying 
attention"  to  the  daughter,  it  was  the  old  gentle- 
man who  made  the  first  observation: 
171 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Huh!  So  you  want  to  marry  my  daughter, 
eh?" 

"  Yes,  sir;  very  much,  indeed." 

"  Um — let  me  see.  Can  you  support  her  in  the 
style  to  which  she  has  been  accustomed?" 

"I  can,  sir,"  said  the  young  man,  "but  1  am 
not  mean  enough  to  do  it. " 


RIVALRY 

A  YOUNG  American  artist  who  has  just  re- 
turned from  a  six  months'  job  of  driving 
a  British  ambulance  on  the  war  front  in  Belgium 
brings  this  back  straight  from  the  trenches: 
"One  cold  morning  a  sign  was  pushed  up  above 
the  German  trench  facing  ours,  only  about  fifty 
yards  away,  which  bore  in  large  letters  the  words: 
'Got  mit  Uns!'  One  of  our  cockney  lads,  more 
of  a  patriot  than  a  linguist,  looked  at  this  for  a 
moment  and  then  lampblacked  a  big  sign  of  his 
own,  which  he  raised  on  a  stick.  It  read :  'We  Got 
Mittuns,  Too!'" 


IMPERSONAL 

A  PRETTY  girl  at  an  evening  party  was  ban- 
tering a  genial  bachelor  on  his  reasons  for 
remaining  single. 

172 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Nooo.  I  never  was  exactly  disappointed 
in  love,"  he  said.  "  1  was  what  you  might  call 
discouraged.  You  see,  when  1  was  very  young 
I  became  very  much  enamored  of  a  young  lady 
of  my  acquaintance.  1  was  mortally  afraid  to 
tell  her  of  my  feeling,  but  at  length  I  screwed  up 
my  courage  to  the  proposing  point.  1  said, 
'Let's  get  married.'  And  she  said,  'Why,  who'd 
have  us?' " 

AND      HE      SUCCEEDED 

THE  military  strategist  is  bom  not  made. 
For  example: 

Two  youngsters,  one  the  possessor  of  a  permit, 
were  fishing  on  a  certain  estate  when  a  game- 
keeper suddenly  darted  from  a  thicket.  The 
lad  with  the  permit  uttered  a  cry  of  fright,  drop- 
ped his  rod,  and  ran  off  at  top  speed.  The  game- 
keeper was  led  a  swift  chase.  Then,  worn  out, 
the  boy  halted.  The  man  seized  him  by  the  arm 
and  said  between  pants:  "Have  you  a  permit 
to  fish  on  this  estate?" 

"  Yes,  to  be  sure,"  said  the  boy  quietly. 

"  You  have?    Then  show  it  to  me." 

The  boy  drew  the  permit  from  his  pocket.  The 
man  examined  it  and  frowned  in  perplexity  and 
anger. 

"73 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Why  did  you  run  when  you  had  this  permit?" 
he  asked. 

"To  let  the  other  boy  get  away,"  was  the 
reply.     "  He  didn't  have  any." 

NO      CHANGE      IN      SHYLOCK 

AN  OLD  woman  who  lived  in  the  country 
recently  visited  some  friends  in  the  city. 
During  her  stay  she  was  taken  to  see  "The 
Merchant  of  Venice,"  a  play  she  had  witnessed 
more  than  thirty  years  before,  and  which  she 
had  always  had  a  strong  desire  to  see  again.  Call- 
ing next  day,  a  friend  asked  her  how  the  previous 
night's  performance  compared  with  that  of  thirty 
years  ago. 

"Well,"  she  replied,  "Venice  seems  to  have 
smartened  up  a  bit,  but  that  Shylock  is  the  same 
mean,  grasping  creature  that  he  used  to  be." 


ENOUGH 

AFTER  all,  only  a  feminine  mind  can  be 
truly  broadminded  and  make  a  correct 
deduction  of  a  whole  from  a  knowledge  of  a  part. 
Said  a  certain  lady  in  a  shop : 

"  1  want  a  pair  of  pants  for  my  sick  husband." 

*'  What  size?  "  asked  the  clerk. 

"  I  don't  know,  but  he  wears  a  14 1  collar." 

174 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
HE   OBEYED 

A  CERTAIN  woman  demands  instant  and 
unquestioning  obedience  from  her  chil- 
dren. One  afternoon  a  storm  came  up  and  she 
sent  her  little  son  John  to  close  the  trap  leading 
to  the  flat  roof  of  the  house. 

"  But,  mother,"  began  John. 

"  John,  1  told  you  to  shut  the  trap," 

"Yes,  but,  mother " 

"John,  shut  that  trap!" 

"All  right,  mother,  if  you  say  so — but " 

"John!" 

Whereupon  John  slowly  climbed  the  stairs 
and  shut  the  trap.  Two  hours  later  the  family 
gathered  for  dinner,  but  Aunt  Mary,  who  was 
staying  with  the  mother,  did  not  appear.  The 
mother,  quite  anxious,  exclaimed,  "Where  can 
Aunt  Mary  be?' 

"I  know,"  John  answered  triumphantly,  "she 
is  on  the  roof." 


FAIR      WARNING 

ANDREW  CARNEGIE  said: 
"  I    was   traveling    Londonward    on    an 
English  railway  last  year,  and  had  chosen  a  seat 
in  a  non-smoking  carriage.    At  a  wayside  station 

175 


HEST      SHORT      STORIES 

a  man  boarded  the  train,  sat  down  in  my  com- 
partment, and  lighted  a  vile  clay  pipe. 

"  This  is  not  a  smoking  carriage,"  said  I . 

'"AH  right,  Governor,'  said  the  man.  'I'll 
just  finish  this  pipe  here.' 

"  He  finished  it,  then  refilled  it. 

'"See  here,'  1  said,  '1  told  you  this  was  not  a 
smoking  carriage.  If  you  persist  with  that  pipe 
I  shall  report  you  at  the  next  station  to  the  guard.' 
I  handed  him  my  card.  He  looked  at  it,  pocketed 
it,  but  lighted  his  pipe  nevertheless.  At  the 
next  station,  however,  he  changed  to  another  com- 
partment. 

"Calling  the  guard,  I  told  him  what  had  oc- 
curred, and  demanded  that  the  smoker's  name 
and  address  be  taken. 

" '  Yes,  sair,'  said  the  guard,  and  hurried  away. 
In  a  little  while  he  returned.  He  seemed  rather 
awed  and,  bending  over  me,  said  apologetically: 

"'Do  you  know,  sir,  if  I  were  you  I  would  not 
prosecute  that  gent.  He  has  just  given  me  his 
card.     Here  it  is.     He  is  Mr.  Andrew  Carnegie.'" 

PREPAREDNESS 

SCOTCHMEN  are  proverbial  for  their  cau- 
tion. 
Mr.  MacTavish  attended  a  christening  where 
176 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  hospitality  of  the  host  knew  no  bounds 
except  the  several  capacities  of  the  guests,  in 
the  midst  of  the  celebration  Mr.  MacTavish  rose 
up  and  made  rounds  of  the  company,  bidding  each 
a  profound  farewell. 

"But,  Sandy,  man,"  objected  the  host,  "ye' re 
not  goin'  yet,  with  the  evenin'  just  started?" 

"Nay,"  said  the  prudent  MacTavish.  "I'm 
no'  goin'  yet.  But  I'm  tellin'  ye  good-night 
while  I  know  ye  all." 


FULL      SPEED      AHEAD 

HE  WAS  the  slowest  boy  on  earth,  and  had 
been  sacked  at  three  places  in  two  weeks, 
so  his  parents  had  apprenticed  him  to  a  naturalist. 
But  even  he  found  him  slow.  It  took  him  two 
hours  to  give  the  canaries  their  seed,  three  to 
stick  a  pin  through  a  dead  butterfly,  and  four 
to  pick  a  convolvulus.  The  only  point  about  him 
was  that  he  was  willing. 

"And  what,"  he  asked,  having  spent  a  whole 
afternoon  changing  the  goldfishes'  water,  "shall 
1  do  now,  sir?" 

The  naturalist  ran  his  fingers  through  his  locks. 

"Well,  Robert,"  he  replied  at  length,  "1  think 
you  might  now  take  the  tortoise  out  for  a  run." 
177 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
PLAYING      SAFE 

A  LADY  recently  selecting  a  hat  at  a  milliner's 
asked,  cautiously: 

"Is  there  anything  about  these  feathers  that 
might  bring  me  into  trouble  with  the  Bird  Protec- 
tion Society?" 

"Oh,  no,  madam,"  said  the  milliner. 

"But  did  they  not  belong  to  some  bird?"  per- 
sisted the  lady. 

"Well,  madam,"  returned  the  milliner, 
pleasantly,  "these  feathers  are  the  feathers  of  a 
howl;  and  the  howl,  you  know,  madam,  seein' 
as  'ow  fond  he  is  of  mice,  is  more  of  a  cat  than  a 
bird." 


WORDS      FAILED      HER 

THE    budding   authoress   had    purchased   a 
typewriter,    and   one   morning   the   agent 
called  and  asked: 

"How  do  you  like  your  new  typewriter, 
madam?" 

"It's  wonderful!"  was  the  enthusiastic  reply. 
"  I  wonder  how  I  ever  done  my  writing  without 
it." 

"Would  you  mind,"  asked  the  agent,  "giving 
me  a  little  testimonial  to  that  effect?" 
178 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Certainly  not,"  she  responded.  "I'll  do  it 
gladly." 

Seating  herself  at  the  machine,  she  pounded 
out  the  following: 

Aafteb  Using  thee  Automatid  Backactiom 
atype  write,  er  for  thre  emonth  %an  d  Over.  I 
unhesittattingly  pronoun  ce  it  tobe  al  ad  more 
than  th  e  Manufacturss  claim!  for  it.  Durinb 
the  tim  e  been  in  myy  possessio  n  ^i  thre  month  it 
had  more  th  an  paid  paid  for  itse*f  in  thee  saVing 
off  tim  e  anD  labor r? 


ONE      WAY      OUT 

ONE  of  the  congregation  of  a  church  not  far 
from  Boston  approached  her  pastor  with 
the  complaint  that  she  was  greatly  disturbed 
by  the  unmelodious  singing  of  one  of  her  neigh- 
bors. 

"  It's  positively  unbearable!"  she  said.  "That 
man  in  the  pew  in  front  of  us  spoils  the  service 
for  me.  His  voice  is  harsh  and  he  has  no  idea  of 
a  tune.     Can't  you  ask  him  to  change  his  pew?  " 

The  good  pastor  was  sorely  perplexed.  After 
a  few  moments'  reflection,  he  said,  "Well,  I 
naturally  would  feel  a  little  delicacy  on  that  score, 
especially  as  1  should  have  to  tell  him  why  I  asked 
it.     But  I'll  tell  you  what  I  might  do."     Here 

179 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

his  face  became  illuminated  by  a  happy  thought. 
"  I  might  ask  him  to  join  the  choir." 


HOW      WAR      BEGAN 

THERE  have  been  a  great  many  explanations 
for  war,  but  the  following  appears  to  have 
its  special  merits: 

The  world  was  supplied  with  an  original 
producer;  namely,  Woman. 

Woman  produced  babies. 

The  babies  grew  up  and  produced  tradespeople. 

The  tradespeople  produced  goods  with  which 
to  supply  the  woman. 

The  goods,  coming  into  competition  with  each 
other,  owing  to  the  different  parts  of  the  world 
wherein  they  were  manufactured,  produced  trouble. 

The  trouble  produced  international  jealousies. 

The  international  jealousies  produced  war. 

Then  the  war  proceeded  to  destroy  the  women 
and  babies,  because  it  was  through  woman  in  the 
beginning  that  war  became  possible. 


MATRIMONIAL      ENDURANCE 

A  HAPPILY  married  woman,  who  had  enjoyed 
thirty-three  years  of  wedlock,  and  who  was 
the  grandmother  of  four  beautiful  little  children, 
had  an  amusing  old  colored  woman  for  a  cook. 
i8o 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

One  day  when  a  box  of  especially  beautiful 
flowers  was  left  for  the  mistress  the  cook  happenal 
to  be  present,  and  she  said:  "Yo'  husband  send 
you   all   the  pretty  flowers   you   gits.    Missy?" 

"Certainly,  my  husband,  mammy,"  proudly 
answered  the  lady. 

"Glory!"  exclaimed  the  cook,  "he  suttenly 
am  holdin'  out  well." 


MISSING      IT 

THE  folks  in  the  southern  part  of  Arkansas 
are  not  noted  for  their  speed. 

A  man  and  his  wife  were  sitting  on  their  porch 
when  a  funeral  procession  passed  the  house. 
The  man  was  comfortably  seated  in  a  chair 
that  was  tilted  back  against  the  house,  and  was 
whittling  a  piece  of  wood.  As  the  procession 
passed,  he  said: 

"  I  reckon  ol'  man  Williams  has  got  about 
the  biggest  funeral  that's  ever  been  held  around 
hyer,  Caroline." 

"A  purty  good-sized  one,  is  it,  Bud?"  queried 
the  wife,  making  no  effort  to  move. 

"Certainly  is!"  Bud  answered. 

"  I  surely  would  like  to  see  it,"  said  the  wo- 
man.    "What  a  pity  I  ain't  facin'  that  way!" 
i8i 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
THE      OBVIOUS      PLACE 

WHAT  is  known  in  a  certain  town  as  "A 
Shop  Carnival"  was  being  held,  and  little 
girls  represented  the  various  shops.  One,  dressed 
in  a  white  muslin  frock  gaily  strung  with  gar- 
lands of  bonbons,  advertised  the  local  sweet  shop. 

When  the  festival  began  she  fairly  glistened 
with  attractive  confectionery,  but  as  time  wore 
on  her  decorations  grew  less.  Finally,  at  the  end 
of  the  last  act,  not  a  bonbon  was  to  be  seen. 

"Why,  Dora,"  cried  the  stage  manager,  "where 
in  the  world  are  all  your  decorations?  Have  you 
lost  them?" 

"Oh,  no,"  replied  Dora;  "they're  perfectly 
safe.     I  'm  wearing  them  inside." 


THEIR      OPPORTUNITY 

IN  WAR  times  Cupid  is  not  only  active  but 
overworked,  and  people  who  have  never  loved 
before  do  not  wait  upon  ceremony.  In  the  spring 
of  1918,  a  certain  rector,  just  before  the  service, 
was  called  to  the  vestibule  to  meet  a  couple  who 
wanted  to  be  married.  He  explained  that  there 
wasn't  time  for  the  ceremony  then.  "But," 
said  he,  "  if  you  will  be  seated  1  will  give  you  an 
opportunity  at  the  end  of  the  service  for  you 
182 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

to  come  forward,  and  I  will  then  perform  the 
ceremony." 

The  couple  agreed,  and  after  a  stirring  war 
sermon  at  the  proper  moment  the  clergyman 
said:  "Will  those  who  wish  to  be  united  in  the 
holy  bond  of  matrimony  please  come  forward?" 

Thereupon  thirteen  women  and  one  man  pro- 
ceeded to  the  altar. 


DOING      HIS      DUTY,      BU  T 

THAT  time-honored  subject  the  wife  who  talks 
and  the  husband  who  endures  never  ceases 
to  be  a  source  of  inspiration  to  the  humorist,  and 
it  is  truly  astonishing  how  many  new  ways  it 
can  be  treated: 

One  day  the  telephone  bell  rang  with  anxious 
persistence.  The  doctor  answered  the  call  of  a 
tired  husband. 

"Yes?"  he  said. 

"Oh,  doctor,"  said  a  worried  voice,  "something 
seems  to  have  happened  to  my  wife.  Her  mouth 
seems  set  and  she  can't  say  a  word." 

"Why,  she  may  have  lockjaw,"  said  the 
medical  man. 

"  Do  you  think  so?    We'l,  if  you  are  up  this 
way  some  time  next  week  you  might  step  in  and 
see  what  you  can  do  for  her." 
183 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
ANTICIPATING      THE      PLEASURE 

WILL  HOGG  of  Texas  says  that  down  in 
Houston  one  Monday  morning  a  Negro 
boy  in  his  employ  came  to  him  with  a  request. 

"  Boss,"  said  the  darky,  "  I'd  lak  to  git  off  nex* 
Friday  fur  the  day." 

"What for?"  inquired  Hogg. 

"  Got  to  go  to  a  fun'el." 

"Whose  funeral  is  it?" 

"  My  uncle's." 

"  When  did  your  uncle  die?  " 

"  Lawd,  boss,  he  ain't  daid  yit!" 

"Then  how  do  you  know  his  funeral  is  going 
to  take  place  on  Friday?" 

"  'Case  dey's  gwine  hang  him  Thursday!" 


HIS      COMPLAINT 

To  BE  truthful  and  at  the  same  time  diplo- 
matic is  one  of  the  rarest  of  combinations, 
and  only  a  small  boy  would  be  equal  to  it: 

Johnny's  manners  had  been  improving  at 
home,  but  at  what  a  cost  to  his  appetite  when 
he  had  an  invitation  to  dine  at  a  boy  friend's 
house!  His  hostess  said,  concernedly,  when  des- 
sert was  reached,  "_You  refuse  a  second  helping 
of  pie?  Are  you  suffering  from  indigestion, 
Johnny?"  "No,  ma'am;  poHteness." 
184 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
PUTTING      IT      UP      TO      THE      HORSE 

PAT  had  just  joined  a  horse  regiment,  and 
was  undergoing  the  necessary  practice  in 
the  riding  school.  After  a  particularly  desperate 
attempt  to  unseat  its  rider,  the  horse  managed 
to  entangle  a  hoof  in  one  of  the  stirrups. 

"Begorra,"   said    Pat,    "if  you're  comin'  on, 
then  I'm  gettin'  off!" 


THE      WORM      TURNED 

A  PARTY  of  engineers  were  tracing  a  town- 
ship line  across  some  farm  lands  in  Illinois. 
As  chance  would  have  it,  the  line  passed  directly 
through  a  large  bam  having  double  doors  on 
each  side  of  it,  and  they  found  they  could  con- 
tinue their  measurements  through  the  bam  by 
opening  the  doors  and  thus  avoiding  the  dreaded 
detour.  The  owner  watched  their  progress  with 
considerable  interest,  but  made  no  comment 
until  they  had  reached  the  farther  side  of  the  bam, 
when  he  asked : 

"Thet  a  railroad  ye-all  surveyin'  fer?" 

"Certainly,"  replied  the  chief. 

The  farmer  meditated  a  bit  as  he  closed  the 
bam  doors  behind  them,  when  he  remarked, 
somewhat  aggressively,  "  I  hain't  got  no  objections 
185 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

ter  havin'  er  railroad  on  my  farm,  but  Til  be 
darned  ef  I'm  goin'  ter  git  up  at  all  hours  of  the 
night  ter  open  and  shet  them  doors  fer  yer  train 
ter  go  through!" 


MAKES      A      DIFFERENCE 

THE  German  may  understand  his  own  point 
of  view,  but  he  hates  exceedingly  to  have 
that  point  of  view  taken,  even  in  part,  by  any  one 
else. 

An  official  who  has  scrutinized  the  reports  made 
by  German  diplomatic  representatives  to  their 
Government  before  the  declaration  of  war  fur- 
nishes this  extract  from  one  of  them: 

"The  Americans  are  very  rough.  If  you  call 
one  of  them  a  liar  he  does  not  argue  the  matter 
after  the  manner  of  a  German  gentleman,  but 
brutally  knocks  you  down.  The  Americans  have 
absolutely  no  KuUur." 


SOLVING      A      GREAT      PROBLEM 

THE  whole   Irish  question,   and    its   perfect 
solution — at  least  from  one  side — is  summed 
up  by  the  reply  given  by  an  Irishman  to  a  pro- 
fessor, who,  when  they  chanced  to  meet,  said: 
1 86 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Pat,  tell  me,  now,  what  is  your  solution  to  the 
world  problem?" 

"Well,  sor,"  replied  Pat,  "1  think  we  should 
have  a  world  democracy — with  an  Irishman  for 
king!" 


DIAGNOSED 

STARTING  with  a  wonderful  burst  of  oratory, 
the  great  evangelist  had,  after  two  hours* 
steady  preaching,  become  rather  hoarse. 

A  little  boy's  mother  in  the  congregation  whis- 
pered to  her  son,  "  Isn't  it  wonderful?  What  do 
you  think  of  him?" 

"He  needs  a  new  needle,"  returned  the  boy 
sleepily. 


GETTING       EVEN 

THE  captain  and  the  mate  on  board  the 
Pretty  Polly  were  at  loggerheads.  They 
scowled  whenever  they  met,  and  seized  opportu- 
nities of  scoring  off  each  other  with  fearful  glee. 
Each  took  a  turn  at  making  the  day's  entries  in 
the  log-book,  and  the  mate,  when  making  his 
entries,  was  very  surprised  to  find,  in  the  captain's 
handwriting,  the  words: 

"June  2nd,  191 7. — Mate  drunk." 
187 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

He  stared  at  it  wrathfully  a  moment,  then  a 
slow  grin  broke  over  his  face.  He  took  his  pen 
and  wrote: 

"June  3rd,  1917. — Captain  sober." 


KNEW      HIS      BUSINESS 

A   BELLHOP  passed  through  the  hall  of  the 
St.  Francis  Hotel  whistling  loudly. 
"Young  man,"  said  Manager  Woods  sternly, 
"you  should  know  that  it  is  against  the  rules 
of  this  hotel  for  an  employee  to  whistle  while  on 
duty." 

"1   am  not  whistling,   sir,"   replied  the  boy, 
"  I'm  paging  Mrs.  Jones's  dog." 


THEN      THINGS      HAPPENED 

THOUGH  she  was  old  she  wasn't  by  any 
means  incapable  of  supporting  herself; 
and  at  the  fresh,  youthful  age  of  seventy-nine 
she  went  into  the  business  of  providing  teas  for 
perspiring  cyclists,  and  storing  the  cycles  of 
those  travellers  who  decided  that  they  had  better 
return  by  train.  Her  first  customers  were  four 
young  men  who  left  their  cycles  in  her  charge 
while  they  explored  the  neighborhood.  For  each 
cycle  she  gave  them  a  ticket  with  a  number 
upon  it. 

188 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

'  Late  at  night  the  tourists  returned. 

The  old  woman  led  them  to  their  cycles  with 
a  smile  of  self-satisfaction  on  her  face. 

"You'll  know  which  is  which,"  she  told  them, 
"  because  1  've  fastened  duplicate  tickets  on  them." 

They  gratefully  thanked  her;  and  when  they 
found  their  cycles  they  discovered  that  the  tickets 
were  neatly  pinned  into  each  back  tire ! 


WAS  n't    calling    her    dear 

DESIROUS  of  buying  a  camera,  a  certain  fair 
young  woman  inspected  the  stock  of  a  local 
shopkeeper. 

"  Is  this  a  good  one?"  she  asked,  as  she  picked 
up  a  dainty  little  machine.     "What  is  it  called?" 

"That's  the  Belvedere,"  said  the  handsome 
young  shopman  politely. 

There  was  a  chilly  silence.  Then  the  young 
woman  drew  herself  coldly  erect,  fixed  him  with 
an  icy  stare,  and  asked  again: 

"Er — and  can  you  recommend  the  Belva?" 


'    something! 

A  YOUNG     Irishman    recently    applied    for 
a  job  as  life-saver  at  the  municipal  baths. 
As  he  was  about  six  feet  six  inches  tall  and  well 
189 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

built,  the  chief  life-saver  gave  him  an  application 
blank  to  fill  out. 

"By  the  way,"  said  the  chief  life-saver,  "can 
you  swim?" 

"No,"  replied  the  applicant,  "but  I  wade  like 
blazes!" 


NOT      ENOUGH       SCENERY 

THE  Negro  stevedores  of  the  southern  states 
of  the  American  Union  have  been  conscripted 
and  shipped  in  great  numbers  to  ports  in  France 
for  unloading  the  incoming  American  steamers. 
Their  cheerfulness  has  quite  captivated  the  gayety 
loving  French,  who  never  tire  of  listening  to 
their  laughter  and  their  ragtime  songs.  When 
the  "bosses"  want  to  get  a  dockyard  job  done 
in  double-quick  time  they  usually  order  a  brass 
band  to  play  lively  Negro  tunes  alongside  the 
ship.  Every  stevedore  thereupon  "  steps  lively," 
and  apparently  his  heavy  labor  becomes  to  him 
a  light  and  joyous  task.  One  stevedore,  to 
whom  the  Atlantic  voyage  had  been  a  test,  ex- 
claimed: "Mah  goodness!  Ah  never  knew  dere 
was  so  much  water  between  dem  tew  countries! 
Dere  ain't  enuf  scenery  for  me,  no  sah,  an'  if  de 
United  States  don't  build  a  bridge  across  dat  dere 
Atlantic,  Ah's  agwine  to  be  a  Frenchman  for  life.'* 
190 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
IAN   hay's   fate 

CAPTAIN  "Ian  Hay,"  on  one  of  his  war 
lecture  tours,  entered  a  barber's  shop  in 
a  small  town  to  have  his  hair  cut. 

"  Stranger  in  the  town,  sir?  "  the  barber  asked. 

"Yes,  I  am,"  Ian  Hay  replied.  "Anything 
going  on  here  to-night?" 

"There's  a  war  lecture  by  an  English  fighter 
named  Hay,"  said  the  barber;  "but  if  you  go 
you'll  have  to  stand,  for  every  seat  in  the  hall  is 
sold  out." 

"Well,  now,"  said  Ian  Hay,  "isn't  that  pro- 
voking? It's  always  my  luck  to  have  to  stand 
when  that  chap  Hay  lectures." 


CAMOUFLAGE 

AFTER  a  "push"  some  of  the  lads  of  the 
Northumberland  Fusiliers  who  entered  one 
of  the  captured  villages  set  about  making  things 
comfortable  for  themselves.  Seeing  a  large 
wooden  box  some  distance  away,  they  made  tracks 
to  commandeer  it  On  the  way  back  an  officer 
met  them  and  queried: 

"  Here,  lads,  where  are  you  going  with  that?" 
"This  old  egg-box,  sir — we're  taking  it  along  to 
our  dug-out,  sir,"  one  of  them  explained. 
191 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Egg-box   be  hanged!"   retorted   the  officer, 
'Why,  that's  the  general's  roll-top  desk!" 


HAPPY      ENDING      WANTED 

A  CHARMING,  auburn-haired  nurse  tells 
the  story.  She  bent  over  the  bed  of  one 
badly  wounded  man  and  asked  him  if  he  would 
like  anything  to  read.  The  soldier  fixed  a  humor- 
ous eye  on  her  and  said,  "  Miss,  can  you  get  me 
a  nice  novel?  I'd  like  one  about  a  golden-haired 
girl  and  a  wounded  soldier  with  a  happy  ending.'* 
After  this  the  pretty  nurse  looks  down  contemp- 
tuously on  civilian  compliments. 

A      SKEPTIC 

A  COLORED  Baptist  was  exhorting.     "Now, 
breddem  and  sistern,  come  up  to  de  altar 
and  have  yo'  sins  washed  away." 
All  came  up  but  one  man. 
"Why,  Brudder  Jones,  don't  yo'  want  yo'  sins 
washed  away?" 

"  1  done  had  my  sins  washed  away." 
"Yo'  has?    Where  yo'  had  yo'  sins  washed 
away?" 

"Ober  at  de  Methodist  church." 
"Ah,  Brudder  Jones,  yo'  ain't  been  washed, 
yo'  jes'  been  dry  cleaned." 
192 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A      PERSON      OF      DISCERNMENT 

AQUAKER  had  got  himself  into  trouble  with 
the  authorities,  and  a  constable  called  to 
escort  him  to  the  lock-up 

"  Is  your  husband  in?"  he  inquired  of  the  good 
wife  who  came  to  the  door. 

"My  husband  will  see  thee,"  she  replied. 
"Come  in." 

The  officer  entered,  was  bidden  to  make  himself 
at  home,  and  was  hospitably  entertained  for  half 
an  hour,  but  no  husband  appeared.  At  last  he 
grew  impatient. 

"  Look  here,"  said  he,  "  I  thought  you  said  your 
husband  would  see  me." 

"He  has  seen  thee,"  was  the  calm  reply, 
"but  he  did  not  like  thy  look,  and  so  he's  gone 
another  way." 


AN       OLD      HAND 

AFTER  two  months  at  Rockford  Private 
Nelson  got  his  leave  at  last,  and  made  what 
he  conceived  to  be  the  best  use  of  his  holiday  by 
getting  married. 

On  the  journey  back  at  the  station  he  gave  the 
gateman  his  marriage  certificate  in  mistake  for 
his  return  railway  ticket. 

»93 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

The  official  studied  it  carefully,  and  then  said: 
"Yes,  my  boy,  you've  got  a  ticket  for  a  long, 
wearisome  journey,  but  not  on  this  road." 


A      TRUE      OPTIMIST 

IT  WAS  Christmas  Eve  in  camp,  and  very  cold 
at  that.  There  was  a  certain  amount  of 
confusion  owing  to  the  Christmas  festivities  and 
leave,  and  so  forth,  and  one  man  was  unable  to 
find  any  of  his  outer  garments.  He  wandered 
about,  asking  all  his  mates  if  they  knew  where  they 
were. 

"Has  any  one  seen  my  b-b-blanket?"  he 
demanded,  and  was  told  that  no  one  had. 

"  Has  any  one  seen  my  t-t-trousers?" 

No  answer. 

The  unfortunate  Tommy  scratched  his  head 
for  a  moment. 

"Well,  I'm  jolly  g-g-glad  I  have  got  a  nice 
w-w-warm  pair  of  sus-sus-suspenders." 


TIT      FOR      TAT 

THE  young  couple  were  dawdling  over  a  late 
breakfast  after  a  night  at  an  ultra  smart 
party. 

"Was  it  you  I  kissed  in  the  conservatory  last 
night?"  hubby  inquired. 

194 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

She    looked    at    him    reminiscently:     "About 
what  time  was  it?" 


TOO      GOOD      TO      BE      WASTED 

A  LADY  of  great  beauty  and  attractiveness, 
who  was  an  ardent  admirer  of  Ireland,  once 
crowned  her  praise  of  it  at  a  party  by  saying: 
"  I  think  I  was  meant  for  an  Irishwoman." 
"Madam,"  rejoined  a  witty  son  of  Erin,  who 
happened  to  be  present,  "thousands  would  back 
me  in  saying  you  were  meant  for  an  Irishman." 

HE      UNDERSTOOD 

TH  E  pale-faced  passenger  looked  out  of  the  car 
window  with  exceeding  interest.     Finally  he 
turned  to  his  seat  mate. 

"  You  likely  think  I  never  rode  in  the  cars  be- 
fore," he  said,  "but  the  fact  is,  pardner,  I  just 
got  out  of  prison  this  mornin'  and  it  does  me 
good  to  look  around.  It  is  goin'  to  be  mighty 
tough,  though,  facin'  my  old-time  friends.  I 
s'pose,  though,  you  ain't  got  much  idea  how  a 
man  feels  in  a  case  like  that." 

"  Perhaps  I  have  a  better  idea  of  your  feelings 
than  you  think,"  said  the  other  gentleman,  with  a 
sad  smile.  "1  am  just  getting  home  from  Con- 
gress." 

195 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
TOUCHY 

LYSANDER,  a  farm  hand,  was  recounting  his 
troubles  to  a  neighbor.  Among  other 
things  he  said  that  the  wife  of  the  farmer  who 
employed  him  was  "too  close  for  any  use." 
"This  very  mornin',"  said  he,  "she  asked  me: 
'Lysander,  do  you  know  how  many  pancakes  you 
have  et  this  mornin'?'  I  said,  'No,  ma'am;  I 
ain't  had  no  occasion  to  count  'em.'  'Well,'  says 
she,  'that  last  one  was  the  twenty-sixth.'  And  it 
made  me  so  mad  I  jest  got  up  from  the  table 
and  went  to  work  without  my  breakfast ! " 

THE      INTELLIGENT      CAT 

TWO    suburban    gardeners    were    swearing 
vengeance  on  cats. 
"  It  appears  to  me,"  one  said,  "that  they  seem 
to  pick  out  your  choicest  plants  to  scratch  out  of 
the  ground." 

"There's  a  big  tomcat,"  the  other  said,  "that 
fetches  my  plants  out  and  then  sits  and  actually 
defies  me." 

"Why  don't  you  hurl  a  brick  at  him?"  asked 
the  first  speaker. 

"That's  what  makes  me  mad,"  was  the  reply. 
"  I  can't.  He  gets  on  top  of  my  greenhouse  to 
defy  me." 

196 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
PRIDE 

A  LITTLE   boy   was   on   his   knees   recently 
one  night,  and  auntie,  staying  at  the  house, 
was  present. 

"It  is  a  pleasure,"  she  said  to  him,  afterward, 
"to  hear  you  saying  your  prayers  so  well.  You 
speak  so  earnestly  and  seriously,  and  mean  what 
you  say,  and  care  about  it." 

"Ah!"  he  answered,  "ah,  but,  auntie,  you 
should  hear  me  gargle ! " 


ROBBING      HIMSELF 

GERMANY'S  claim  that  she  imports  nothing, 
buys  only  of  herself,  and  so  is  growing  rich 
from  the  war,  is  a  dreadful  fallacy." 

The  speaker  was  Herbert  C.  Hoover,  chairman 
of  the  American  Food  Board. 

"Germany,"  he  went  on,  "is  like  the  young 
man  who  wisely  thought  he'd  grow  his  own 
garden  stuff.  This  young  man  had  been  digging 
for  about  an  hour  when  his  spade  turned  up  a 
quarter.  Ten  minutes  later  he  found  another 
quarter.  Then  he  found  a  dime.  Then  he  found 
a  quarter  again. 

"'By  gosh!'  he  said,  'I've  struck  a  silver  mine,* 
and,  sf^aightening  up,  he  felt  something  cold 
197 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

slide  down  his  leg.  Another  quarter  !ay  at  his 
feet.  He  grasped  the  truth :  There  was  a  hole  in 
his  pocket." 


PESS  IMISTS 

OUT  at  the  front  two  regiments,  returning  to 
the  trenches,  chanced  to  meet.    There  was 
the  usual  exchange  of  wit. 

"  When's  the  bloomin'  war  goin'  to  end?"  asked 
one  north-country  lad. 

"Dunno," replied oneofthesouth-shires.  "We've 
planted  some  daffydils  in  front  of  our  trench." 

"Bloomin'  optimists!"  snorted  the  man  from 
the  north.     "  We've  planted  acorns." 


DELAYED 

THE  way  they  take  air  raids  in  England  is 
illustrated    by   the   following   conversation 
from  Punch: 

"Just  ask  Dr.  Jones  to  run  round  to  my  place 
right  away.  Our  cook's  fallen  downstairs — broke 
her  leg;  the  housemaid's  got  chicken-pox,  and  my 
two  boys  have  been  knocked  down  by  a  taxi." 

"I'm  sorry,  sir,  but  the  doctor  was  blown  up 
in  yesterday's  air  raid,  and  he  won't  be  down  for 
a  week." 

198 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
HOW      MARY      LOST      A      TIP 

SOON  after  a  certain  judge  of  the  Supreme 
Court  of  Rhode  Island  had  been  appointed 
he  went  down  into  one  of  the  southern  counties 
to  sit  for  a  week.  He  was  well  satisfied  with 
himself. 

"Mary,"  he  said  to  the  Irish  waitress  at  the 
hotel  where  he  was  stopping,  "you've  been  in  this 
country  how  long?" 

"Two  years,  sir,"  she  said. 

"Do  you  like  it?" 

"Sure,  it's  well  enough,"  answered  Mary. 

"But,  Mary,"  the  judge  continued,  "you  have 
many  privileges  in  this  country  which  you'd  not 
have  in  Ireland.  Now  at  home  you  would  never 
be  in  a  room  with  a  justice  of  the  Supreme  Court, 
and  chatting  familiarly  with  him." 

"  But,  sure,  sir,"  said  Mary,  quite  in  earnest, 
"you'd  never  be  a  judge  at  home." 


A       LITTLE      TOO      THRIFTY 

SECRETARY  OF  WAR  BAKER  tells  a  story 
of  a  country  youth  who  was  driving  to  the 
county  fair  with  his  sweetheart  when  they  passed 
a  booth  where  fresh  popcorn  was  for  sale. 
"My!    Abner,  ain't  that  nice?"  said  the  girl. 
199 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Ain't  what  nice?"  asked  Abner. 

"Why,  the  popcorn,  it  smells  so  awfully  good," 
replied  the  girl. 

"  It  does  smell  kind  o'  fine,"  drawled  the  youth. 
"I'll  jest  drive  a  little  closer  so  you  can  get  a 
better  smell." 


BEYOND      HIM 

A  YOUNG  couple,  speeding  along  the  country 
highway,  were  stopped  by  the  justice  of  the 
peace. 

"  Ten  and  costs  for  reckless  driving,"  announced 
the  justice. 

"  Listen,"  said  the  young  man,  "judge,  we  were 
on  our  way  to  have  you  marry  us." 

"Twenty  and  costs,  then!"  cried  the  justice. 
"  You're  more  reckless  than  I  thought  you  were." 


ITS      NAME 

IN  A  kindergarten  class  flags  were  shown,  and 
in  answer  to  a  question  a  little  girl  gave  the 
response  that  was  expected  of  her:  "This  is  the 
flag  of  my  country." 

"And  what  is  the  name  of  your  country?"  was 
the  next  question. 

"  Tis  of  thee,"  was  the  prompt  reply. 
200 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
THE      ORIGINAL      METHOD 

KATHERINE  and  Margaret  found  themselves 
seated  next  each  other  at  a  dinner-party 
and  immediately  became  confidential. 

"  Molly  told  me  that  you  told  her  that  secret 
I  told  you  not  to  tell  her,"  whispered  Margaret. 

"Oh,  isn't  she  a  mean  thing!"  gasped  Katherine. 
"Why,  I  told  her  not  to  tell  you!" 

"Well,"  returned  Margaret,  "I  told  her  I 
wouldn't  tell  you  she  told  me — so  don't  tell  her 
I  did." 


GIVE      US      THE      CHANCE 

WHEN  Booth Tarkington  was  visiting  Naples 
he  was  present  at  an  eruption  of  Vesuvius. 
"You  haven't  anything  like  that  in  America, 
have  you?"  said  an  Italian  friend  with  pride. 
"No,  we  haven't,"  replied  Tarkington;  "but 

we've  got  Niagara  Falls  that  would  put  the  d d 

thing  out  in  five  minutes." 


A      DELIGHTFUL      EXPERIENCE! 

WE  OFTEN  take  delight  in  fancying  what 
we  would  do  if  things  were  really  reversed 
in  this  oftentimes  trying  world:  and  particularly 
what  we  would  do  to  the  president  of  our  bank. 
20 1 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Here  is  a  little  story  which  gives  the  pleasant 
variety: 

"  I  have  come  in  to  borrow  some  money  from 
you,"  said  the  bank  president  timidly,  as  he  stood 
before  one  of  his  depositors,  nervously  twirling 
his  hat  in  his  hand. 

"Ah,  yes,"  said  the  depositor,  gazing  at  him 
severely.  "But  you  don't  expect  to  get  it,  do 
you?" 

"  I  had  hoped  to." 

"What  collateral  have  you  to  offer?" 

"  My  bank  with  all  the  money  in  it." 

"All  the  people  in  the  bank?" 

"Yes." 

"Please  say  'Yes,  sir.'     It  is  more  respectful." 

"Thank  you,  sir." 

"Um!  Ah!  Will  you  put  in  your  own 
family?" 

"Yes,  sir,  I'll  throw  in  my  family  also." 

"  Your  prospects  in  life?  Don't  hesitate,  man. 
Remember  you  are  up  against  it." 

"Well,  yes,  sir." 

"  Hew  much  money  do  you  want?" 

"One  thousand  dollars," 

'Dear  me!  For  such  a  small  amount  as  that 
I  shall  have  to  charge  you  at  least  six  per  cent. 
If  you  were  a  regular  millionaire  and  wanted, 

202 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

say,  half  a  million,  I  could  let  you  have  it  for 
three  or  four  per  cent." 

"  Yes,  sir.     I  appreciate  your  generosity." 
The   depositor   handed   the  president  of  the 
bank,  who  was  now  almost  completely  bathed  in 
a  cold  perspiration,  a  blank  form. 
"Here,"  he  said,  "sign  this." 
"  Do  you  wish  me  to  read  it  first,  sir?" 
"What!     Read  something  you  wouldn't  under- 
stand anyway?    No.     I'll  tell  you  what's  in  it. 
It  mortgages  yourself,  your  bank,  all  the  people  in 
it,  your  family,  all  your  property,  and  your  soul. 
Sign  here." 

The  bank  president  signed  with  trembling 
fingers,  got  a  piece  of  paper  which  entitled  him 
to  the  privilege  of  entertaining  a  thousand  dollars 
for  six  months  at  his  own  expense,  and  withdrew. 
Then  the  depositor,  smiling  to  himself  and  rub- 
bing his  hands,  said; 

"Aha!     I'll  teach  these  fellows  to  know  their 
places!" 

DAD      WAS      WISE 

WHEN  the  conversation  turned  to  the  sub- 
ject of  romantic  marriage  this  little  anec- 
dote was  volunteered  by  H.  M.  Asker,  a  North 
Dakota  politician: 

203 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"So  you  were  married  ten  years  ago.  Took 
place  in  the  church,  I  suppose,  with  bridesmaids, 
flowers,  cake,  and  the  brass  band?" 

"No;  it  was  an  elopement." 

"An  elopement,  eh?  Did  the  girl's  father 
follow  you?" 

"  Yes,  and  he  has  been  with  us  ever  since." 


KINDNESS 

PRIVATE  SIMPKINS  had  returned  from 
the  front,  to  find  that  his  girl  had  been 
walking  out  with  another  young  man,  and  natur- 
ally asked  her  to  explain  her  frequent  promenades 
in  the  town  with  the  gentleman. 

"Well,  dear,"  she  replied,  "it  was  only  kindness 
on  his  part.  He  just  took  me  down  every  day 
to  the  library  to  see  if  you  were  killed." 


MORE      SCOTCH      THRIFT 

HARRY  LAUDER  tells  the  following  story 
about  a  funeral  in  Glasgow  and  a  well- 
dressed  stranger  who  took  a  seat  in  one  of  the 
mourning  coaches.  The  other  three  occupants 
of  the  carriage  were  rather  curious  to  know  who 
he  was,  and  at  last  one  of  them  began  to  question 
him.  The  dialogue  went  like  this: 
204 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  Ye'll  be  a  brither  o'  the  corp?" 
"No,  I'm  no'  a  brither  o'  the  corp." 
"Weel,  ye'll  be  his  cousin?" 
"No,  I'm  no'  a  cousin." 
"At  ony  rate  ye'll  be  a  frien'  o'  the  corp?" 
"No,   I'm  no'  that  either.     Ye  see,   I've  no' 
been  very  weel  masel,"  the  stranger  explained 
complacently,   "an'  my  doctor  has  ordered  me 
carriage  exercise,  so  I  thocht  this  would  be  the 
cheapest  way  to  tak'  it." 


WORTH      A      CHANCE 

THE  small  boy  stood  at  the  garden  gate  and 
howled  and  howled  and  howled.  A  passing 
lady  paused  beside  him. 

"What's  the  matter,  little  man?"  she  asked  in 
a  kindly  voice. 

"0-ooh!"  wailed  the  youngster.  "  Pa  and  ma 
won't  take  me  to  the  pictures  to-night." 

"  But  don't  make  such  a  noise,"  said  the  dame, 
admonishingly.  "Do  they  ever  take  you  when 
you  cry  like  that?" 

"S-sometimes  they  do,  an' — an'  sometimes 
they  d-d-don't,"  bellowed  the  boy.  "  But  it  ain't 
no  trouble  to  yell!" 


205 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
CHANGE      FOR      THE      BETTER 

WE  WERE  bounding  along,"  said  a  recent 
traveller  on  a  local  South  African  single- 
line  railway,  "at  the  rate  of  about  seven  miles 
an  hour,  and  the  whole  train  was  shaking  terribly. 
1  expected  every  moment  to  see  my  bones  pro- 
truding through  my  skin.  Passengers  were  rolling 
from  one  end  of  the  car  to  the  other.  I  held  on 
firmly  to  the  arms  of  the  seat.  Presently  we 
settled  down  a  bit  quieter;  at  least  1  could  keep 
my  hat  on  and  my  teeth  didn't  chatter. 

"  There  was  a  quiet-looking  man  opposite  me. 
1  looked  up  with  a  ghastly  smile,  wishing  to  appear 
cheerful,  and  said: 

"  'We  are  going  a  bit  smoother,  1  see.' 
"  'Yes,'  he  said,  'we're  off  the  track  now.'" 


BIG      CHANCES       BOTH      WAYS 

THE    famous    physician    and    the    eminent 
clergyman  were  deep  in  a  discussion  which 
threatened  to  become  acrimonious. 

"You  see,"  said  the  minister  sarcastically, 
"you  medical  men  know  so  much  about  the  un- 
certainties of  this  world  that  1  should  think  you 
would  not  want  to  live." 

"Oh,  1  don't  know,"  responded  the  physician 
2o6 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

caustically.  "You  clergymen  tell  us  so  much 
about  the  uncertainties  of  the  next  world  that 
we  don't  want  to  die." 


WARNING      TO      AUTHORS 

ONE  of  Mr.  Kipling's  trees  was  injured  by  a 
bus,  the  driver  of  which  was  also  landlord 
of  an  inn.  Kipling  wrote  this  man  a  letter  of 
complaint,  which  the  recipient  sold  to  one  of  his 
guests  for  ten  shillings.  Again  the  angry  author 
wrote,  this  time  a  more  violent  letter,  which  im- 
mediately fetched  one  pound. 

A  few  days  later  Kipling  called  on  the  landlord 
and  demanded  to  know  why  he  had  received  no 
answer  to  his  letters. 

"  Why,  I  was  hoping  you  would  send  me  a  fresh 
one  every  day,"  was  the  cool  reply.  "They  pay 
a  great  deal  better  than  bus  drivin;  " 


CONSIDERING      FATHER 

DOES  the  American  woman  always  consider 
her  lesser  half?  The  following  tale  shows 
that  she  does,  although  the  lady's  husband  un- 
doubtedly moved  in  a  lower  sphere.  She  was  at 
that  period  in  her  existence  where  she  gave  liter- 
ary afternoons  and  called  her  college-graduated 
daughter  to  her  side  and  said: 
207 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"This  afternoon,  as  1  understand,  we  attend 
the  Current  Events  Club,  where  Miss  Spindle- 
shank  Corkerly  of  New  York  and  Washington 
will  give  us  her  brief  and  cheery  synopsis  of  the 
principal  world  events  during  the  last  month." 

"Yes,  mother." 

"This  evening  the  Birth  Control  Association 
meets  at  Mrs.  Mudhaven's,  where  I  shall  read 
my  paper  on  the  Moral  Protoplasm." 

"  Yes,  mother." 

"  To-morrow  morning  the  Efficiency  Circle  will 
assemble  here  for  its  weekly  discussion  and  will 
be  addressed  by  Professor  Von  Skintime  Clos- 
haven  on  the  Scientific  Curtailment  of  Catnaps." 

"Yes,  mother." 

"  To-morrow  afternoon  the  Superwoman's  Civic 
Conference  Committee  will  take  up  the  subject  of 
the  Higher  Feminism,  and  in  the  evening  the 
Hygienic  Sex  Sisters  will  confer  with  the  superin- 
tendent of  our  school  system  on  several  ideas  for 
our  schools  which  we  have  in  mind." 

"  Yes,  mother.  That  brings  us  up  to  Thursday. 
What  shall  we  do  on  that  evening?" 

"1  thought,  my  dear,  that  we  would  take  a 
night  off  and  go  to  the  movies  with  your  dear 
father." 


208 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

STORIES        ABOUT        JAMES        GORDON 
BENNETT 

MANY  are  the  stories  told  of  the  late  James 
Gordon  Bennett.  One,  more  than  any 
other,  reveals  one  of  his  weaknesses — a  disinclina- 
tion to  acknowledge  an  error. 

Before  taking  up  his  residence  abroad  he  fre- 
quently breakfasted  at  Delmonico's,  then  down- 
town. One  Christmas  morning  he  gave  the  waiter 
who  always  served  him  a  small  roll  of  bills.  As 
soon  as  opportunity  offered  the  waiter  looked  at 
the  roll,  and  when  he  recovered  his  equilibrium 
took  it  to  Mr.  Delmonico.  There  were  six 
Si,ooo  bills  in  the  roll.  The  proprietor,  sensing 
that  a  mistake  had  been  made,  put  them  in  the 
safe. 

When  the  publisher  next  visited  the  cafe  Mr. 
Delmonico  told  him  the  waiter  had  turned  the 
money  in.  He  added  he  would  return  it  as  Mr. 
Bennett  departed. 

"Why  return  it?     Didn't  I  give  it  to  him?" 

"  Yes.  But,  of  course,  it  was  a  mistake.  You 
gave  him  $6,000." 

"Mr.  Delmonico,"  replied  Bennett,  rising  to 
his  full  height,  "you  should  know  by  this  time 
that  James  Gordon  Bennett  never  makes  a  mis- 
Jake." 

209 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

A  pressman  had  just  returned  to  work  after  a 
protracted  spree.  His  face  was  battered,  an 
eye  was  blackened,  and  an  ear  showed  a  tendency 
to  mushroom.  The  night  of  his  return  was  one 
on  which  Mr.  Bennett  visited  the  pressroom. 
He  saw  Mr.  Bennett  before  Mr.  Bennett  saw  him, 
and,  daubing  a  handful  of  ink  on  his  face,  he 
became  so  busy  that  Bennett  noticed  him. 

"Who  is  that  man?"  he  asked  the  foreman. 
*'What  do  you  pay  him?" 

The  foreman  gave  him  the  information. 

"Double  his  salary,"  replied  Mr.  Bennett. 
"He's  the  only  man  in  the  place  who  seems  to 
be  doing  any  work." 

A  dramatic  critic,  still  a  well-known  writer, 
lost  his  place  because  he  would  not  get  his  hair 
cut.  Bennett  in  Paris  asked  him  why  he  wore 
his  hair  so  long  and  was  told  because  he  liked  it 
that  way.  An  order  sending  him  to  Copenhagen 
followed.  When  his  return  was  announced  by  a 
secretary,  Bennett  asked  if  he  had  had  his  hair 
cut,  and  being  informed  that  he  had  not,  ordered 
him  to  St.  Petersburg.  On  his  return  from  Russia, 
still  unshorn,  he  was  sent  to  the  Far  East. 

"Has  he  had  his  hair  cut?"  asked  Bennett 
when  his  return  was  once  more  announced. 

'  2IO 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"No,  sir,"  replied  the  secretary,  "it's  as  long 
as  ever." 

"Then  fire  him,"  replied  Bennett.  "He's  too 
slow  to  take  a  hint  to  suit  me." 


STAYING      ON      THE      JOB 

IN  INTRODUCING  the  Honorable  \V.  G- 
1  McAdoo  to  an  audience  of  North  Carolinians 
in  the  Raleigh  Auditorium,  Governor  T.  W. 
Bickett  had  occasion  to  refer  to  the  North  Caro- 
lina trait  of  stick-to-it-ness.  He  used  as  an  ex- 
ample the  case  of  Private  Jim  Webb,  a  green 
soldier  and  a  long,  lanky  individual  from  the 
farm  who  had  never  been  drilled  in  his  whole 
life  and  knew  even  less  about  the  usages  and  cus- 
toms of  war,  so  when  he  was  conscripted  into  the 
North  Carolina  divisions  in  the  late  war  between 
the  states,  he  was  given  only  a  week's  drill  and 
then  assigned  to  duty. 

His  regiment  was  in  the  Peninsular  campaign, 
and  Jim  was  soon  put  on  guard  duty,  being  given, 
as  his  first  post,  a  place  along  the  river  bank, 
and  cautioned  to  stick  to  his  post  under  any  con- 
ditions, to  watch  closely  for  the  enemy,  and  to 
allow  no  one  to  pass  who  could  not  give  the  coun- 
tersign. 

2!  I 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Obey  your  instructions,"  said  the  officer  of 
the  guard,  "  and  1  will  return  at  two  o'clock  with 
relief.  Do  not  leave  your  post  under  any  condi- 
tions." 

Promptly  at  two  o'clock  the  ofificer  returned, 
to  find  Jim  gone.  He  searched  long  and  diligently, 
but  no  trace  of  Jim.  Finally  he  called,  lowly  at 
first,  then  louder,  seeking  to  know  if  Jim  were  in 
the  vicinity  or  had  been  captured.  Finally  came 
Jim's  answering  voice  from  out  in  the  middle  of 
the  river,  "Here  I  be." 

"What  in  the  world  are  you  doing  out  there?" 
asked  the  indignant  officer.  "  Did  I  not  tell  you 
not  to  leave  your  post?" 

"  I  hain't  moved,  nuther,"  replied  the  indignant 
Jim;  "the  durn  river's  riz." 


BUSINESS      IS      BUSINESS 

MAY  I  see  you  privately?" 
The   well-dressed   stranger   approached 
the  mayor  of  the  suburban  town  with  the  air  of 
one  who  knew  his  business.    When  they  were 
alone  he  said: 

"I  want  to  apply  for  the  position  of  village 
burglar." 

"Village  burglar!" 

212 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Yes,  sir.  I  guarantee  results.  I  only  rob 
one  house  a  week.  This  includes  a  clean  get- 
away. When  a  man,  no  matter  how  conscien- 
tious, attempts  any  more  than  this,  he  is  bound  to 
deteriorate.  By  employing  me  regularly  you  get 
the  best  results." 

"What  inducements  do  you  offer?" 

"  Your  village  will  be  advertised  regularly  and 
in  the  most  efficient  manner.  I  will  guarantee  to 
keep  away  all  other  burglars,  thus  insuring  the 
comfort  and  safety  of  your  police.  I  return  all 
goods  stolen.  If  it  is  necessary  at  any  time  to 
wound  any  of  your  citizens,  I  will  pay  half  of 
the  hospital  expenses.  Salary  five  thousand  a 
year.     Can  furnish  references." 

"Nothing  else?" 

"  My  dear  sir,  what  more  do  you  want?" 

The  mayor  shook  his  head,  as  rising,  he  indi- 
cated that  the  interview  was  over. 

"Sorry,  my  friend,"  he  said,  "that  I  can't 
accept  your  offer,  but  I  am  just  closing  a  contract 
with  a  man  who  not  only  will  burglarize  our  village 
regularly  on  your  terms,  but  also  will  turn  over 
to  us  as  a  rebate  one-half  of  the  salary  he  gets 
from  the  burglary  insurance  company  that 
employs  him." 


2\^ 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
HIS      FAVORITE       BEAST 

HARRIS  DICKSON,  on  a  hunting  trip  in 
Sunflower  County,  Mississippi,  met  an 
old  darky  who  had  never  seen  a  circus  in  his  life. 
When  the  Big  Show  came  in  the  following  season 
to  Dickson's  town  of  Vicksburg  he  sent  for  the  old 
man  and  treated  him  to  the  whole  thing — arrival 
of  the  trains,  putting  up  the  tents,  grand  free  street 
parade,  menagerie,  main  performance,  concert, 
side  show,  peanuts,  red  lemonade,  and  all. 

The  old  darky  followed  his  white  patron  through 
with  popping  eyes,  but  saying  never  a  word. 
Late  in  the  afternoon  they  got  back  to  the  Dickson 
home. 

"John,"  said  Dickson,  "you  enjoyed  it?" 

"  Boss,"  said  John  fervently.  "Ah  shore  did!" 

"What  did  you  like  the  most?" 

"Mistah  Dickson,"  answered  John,  "Ah  shore 
laked  hit  all." 

"Well,  what  impressed  you  most?" 

"Well,  suh,  boss,"  he  said,  "Ah  reckin  hit 
waz  dat  dere  animul  you  calls  de  camuel." 

"  Ti.ie  camel,  eh?  Well,  what  was  so  remarkable 
about  the  camel?" 

"He  suttinly  is  got  such  a  noble  smell!" 


214 


M 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
A      LONG      STORY 

AY  I  ask  the  cause  of  all  this  excitement?" 
asked  the  stranger  in  the  Httle  village. 

"Certainly,"  replied  the  countryman.  "We're 
celebrating  the  birthday  of  the  oldest  inhabitant, 
sir.    She's  a  hundred  and  one  to-day." 

"Indeed!  And  may  I  ask  who  is  that  little 
man,  with  the  dreadfully  sad  countenance,  walking 
by  the  old  lady's  side?" 

"Oh,  that's  the  old  lady's  son-in-law,  sir.  He's 
been  keeping  up  the  payments  on  her  life-insurance 
for  the  last  thirty  years!" 


A      DUAL      REPUTATION 

AS  GRANTLAND  RICE  tells  the  story,  a 
certain  distinguished  English  actor,  whom 
we  may  safel\'  call  Jones-Brown,  pla>'s  a  persistent 
but  horrible  game  of  golf.  During  a  recent  visit 
to  this  country  the  actor  in  question  occasionally 
visited  the  links  of  a  well-known  country  club  in 
Westchester  County,  near  New  York. 

After  an  especially  miserable  showing  of  inapt- 
ness  one  morning,  he  flung  down  his  driver  in 
disgust. 

"Caddy,"  he  said,  addressing  the  silent  youth 
who  stood  alongside,  "that  was  awful,  wasn't  it?" 
215 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Purty  bad,  sir,"  stated  the  boy. 

"I  freely  confess  that  1  am  the  worst  golfer 
In  the  world,"  continued  the  actor. 

"Oh,  I  wouldn't  say  that,  sir,"  said  the  caddy 
soothingly. 

"  Did  you  ever  see  a  worse  player  than  I  am?" 

"No,  sir,  1  never  did,"  confessed  the  boy  truth- 
fully; "but  some  of  the  other  boys  was  tellin'  me 
yistiddy  about  a  gentleman  that  must  be  a  worse 
player  than  you  are.  They  said  his  name  was 
Jones-Brown." 

ALWAYS      SAFETY      FIRST 

YOU  say  that  you  want  some  name  engraved 
on  this  ring,"  said  the  jeweller  to  the  bashfuJ 
young  man. 

"  Yes;  I  want  the  words,  'George,  to  his  dearest 
Alice'  engraved  on  the  inside  of  the  ring." 

"  Is  the  young  lady  your  sister?" 

"No;  she  is  the  young  lady  to  whom  I  am  en- 
gaged." 

"  Well,  if  I  were  you  I  would  not  have  '  George, 
to  his  dearest  Alice'  engraved  on  the  ring.  If 
Alice  changes  her  mind  you  can't  use  the  ring 
again." 

"What  would  you  suggest?" 

"I  would  suggest  the  words,  'George,  to  his 
216 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

first  and  only  love.'  You  see,  with  that  inscrip- 
tion you  can  use  the  ring  half  a  dozen  times.  I 
have  had  experience  in  such  matters  myself." 


SURPRISING 

PAT  came  to  the  dentist's  with  his  jaw  very 
much  swollen  from  a  tooth  he  desired  to 
have  pulled.  But  when  the  suffering  son  of 
Erin  got  into  the  dentist's  chair  and  saw  the 
gleaming  pair  of  forceps  approaching  his  face,  he 
positively  refused  to  open  his  mouth.  The  dentist 
quietly  told  his  page  boy  to  prick  his  patient  with 
a  pin,  and  when  Pat  opened  his  mouth  to  yell  the 
dentist  seized  the  tooth,  and  out  it  came.  "It 
didn't  hurt  as  much  as  you  expected  it  would,  did 
it?"  the  dentist  asked,  smilingly. 

"Well,  no,"  replied  Pat,  hesitatingly,  as  if 
doubting  the  truthfulness  of  his  admission. 
"  But,"  he  added,  placing  his  hand  on  the  spot 
where  the  little  boy  pricked  him  with  the  pin, 
"begorra,  little  did  1  think  the  roots  would  reach 
down  like  that." 

TRUE      OPTIMIST 

AMONG  the  passengers  on  a  train  on  a  one- 
track  road  in  the  Middle  West  was  a  talka- 
tive   jewelry     drummer.     Presently     the    train 
217 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Stopped  to  take  on  water,  and  the  conductor 
neglected  to  send  back  a  flagman.  An  express 
came  along  and,  before  it  could  be  stopped, 
bumped  the  rear  end  of  the  first  train.  The  drum- 
mer was  lifted  from  his  seat  and  pitched  head  first 
into  the  seat  ahead.  His  silk  hat  was  jammed 
clear  down  over  his  ears.  He  picked  himself  up 
and  settled  back  in  his  seat.  No  bones  had  been 
broken.  He  drew  a  long  breath,  straightened  up, 
and  said:  "Well,  they  didn't  get  by  us,  any- 
way." 


INDISSOLUBLE       PARTNERS 

MEMORY  and  Imagination  had  a  discussion 
as  to  which  was  the  greater. 
"Without  me,"  said  Memory,  "your  buildings, 
your  fine  castles,  would  all  go  down.     I  alone 
give  you  power  to  retain  them." 

"Without  me,"  said  Imagination,  "there  would 
be  no  use  of  retaining  them,  for,  indeed,  they 
wouldn't  be  there.  I  am  the  great  builder." 
"And  I  the  great  recorder." 
"  It  appears,  then,  that  no  one  of  us  is  greater 
than  the  other.  Yet  1  would  not  change  places 
with  you." 

"Why  not?"  said  Memory. 
218 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Because,"  replied  Imagination,  "without  you 
1  can  still  keep  on  creating  over  and  over." 

At  the  end  of  a  year  Memory  came  back. 

"What  have  you  done?"  asked  Memory. 

"Nothing,"  said  Imagination. 

"And  you  were  wrong  when  you  said  that 
without  me  you  could  still  go  on  creating." 

"  Yes.  I  did  not  realize  how  dependent  I  was 
upon  you.  What  have  you  been  doing  during  the 
year?" 

"  Reviewing  some  old  friends.  That  was  all  I 
could  do." 

"  Then  we  are  practically  equal." 

"Yes.  Let  us  live  together  hereafter  in  har- 
mony, carrying  on  our  door  this  legend : 


There    is    no    Memory 

without 

Imagination, 

And     no     Imagination 

without 

Memory. 

DEPENDED      ON      THE      MULE 

SPEAKING  at  a  political  gathering,  Con- 
gressman Frederick  W,  Dallinger,  of  Mas- 
sachusetts, referred  to  the  many  amusing  inci- 
dents of  the  schoolrooms,  and  related  a  little 
incident  along  that  line. 

219 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

A  teacher  in  a  public  school  was  instructing  a 
youthful  class  in  English  when  she  paused  and 
turned  to  a  small  boy  named  Jimmy  Brown. 

"James,"  said  she,  "write  on  the  board, 
'Richard  can  ride  the  mule  if  he  wants  to.' " 

This  Jimmie  proceeded  to  do  to  the  satisfaction 
of  all  concerned. 

"Now,  then,"  continued  the  teacher  when 
Jimmy  had  returned  to  his  place,  "can  you  find 
a  better  form  for  that  sentence?  " 

"Yes,  ma'am,"  was  the  prompt  response  of 
Jimmy.  "  'Richard  can  ride  the  mule  if  the  mule 
wants  him  to.'" 


CROWN       PRINCE      CALLED      DOWN 

SOME   years   before   the    war    the    German 
Crown    Prince   got   a  very  neat  call-down 
from  Miss  Bernice  Willard,  a  Philadelphia  girl. 
It  was  during  the  Emperor's  regatta,  and  the  two 
mentioned  were  sitting  with  others  on  the  deck  of 
a  yacht.    A  whiff  of  smoke  from  the  Prince's 
cigarette  blowing  into  the  young  lady's  face,  a 
lieutenant  near  by  remarked: 
"Smoke  withers  flowers." 
"  It  is  no  flower,"  said  the  prince,  jocularly, 
"it  is  a  thistle." 
Miss  Willard  raised  her  eyes  a  trifle. 
220 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

■"In  that  case,"  she  said,  "I  had  better  retire 
or   I   shall  be  devoured  " 


HUMBLED 

MRS.  M ELLEN  did  not  wish  to  offend  her 
new  cook. 

"John,"  she  said  to  the  manservant,  "can  you 
find  out  without  asking  the  cook  whether  the 
tinned  salmon  was  all  eaten  last  night?  You 
see,  1  don't  wish  to  ask  her,  because  she  may  have 
eaten  it,  and  then  she  would  feel  uncomfortable," 
added  the  good  soul. 

"  If  you  please,  ma'am,"  replied  the  man,  "the 
new  cook  has  eaten  the  tinned  salmon,  and  if 
you  was  to  say  anything  to  her  you  couldn't 
make  her  feel  any  more  uncomfortable  than 
she  is." 


IS      THIS      TACT? 

AN  OFFICER  on  board  a  warship  was  drill- 
ing his  men. 
"  I  want  every  man  to  lie  on  his  back,  put  his 
legs  in  the  air,  and  move  them  as  if  he  were 
riding   a   bicycle,"    he   explained.     "Now   com- 
mence." 
After  a  short  effort  one  of  the  men  stopped. 

221 


BEST      SHORT      STORIHS 

"Why  have  you  stopped,  Murphy?"  asked  the 
officer. 

"If  ye  plaze,  sir,"  was  the  answer,  "Oi'm 
coasting." 

WARNED   IN   TWENTY   YEARS 

SEVERAL  Scotchmen  were  discussing  the 
domestic  unhappiness  of  a  mutual  friend. 

"Aye,"  said  one,  "Jock  McDonald  has  a  sair 
time  wi'  that  wife  o'  his.  They  do  say  they're 
aye  quarrelin'." 

"It  serve'  him  richt,"  said  another  feelingly. 
*'The  puir  feckless  creature  marrit  after  coortin' 
only  eight  year.  Man,  indeed,  he  had  nae 
chance  to  ken  the  wumman  in  sic  a  short  time. 
When  I  was  coortin'  I  was  coortin'  twenty  year." 

"And  how  did  it  turn  out?"  inquired  a  stranger 
in  the  party. 

"  1  tell  ye,  I  was  coortin'  twenty  year,  an'  in 
that  time  I  kenned  what  wumman  was,  an'  so 
I  didna  marry." 

BEGINNING      EARLY 

JACK  disliked  being  kissed,  and,  being  a  hand- 
some little  chap,  sometimes  had  a  good  deal 
to  put  up  with.  One  day  he  had  been  kissed  a  lot. 
Then,  to  make  matters  worse,  on  going  to  the 

222 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

picture  palace  in  the  evening,  instead  of  his 
favorite  cowboy  and  Indian  pictures,  there  was 
nothing  but  a  lot  more  hugging^jid  kissing. 

He  returned  home  completely  out  of  patience 
with  the  whole  tribe  of  women. 

After  he  had  tucked  into  bed  mother  came  in 
to  kiss  him  good-night. 

He  refused  to  be  kissed. 

Mother  begged  and  begged,  till  in  disgust  he 
turned  to  his  father,  who  was  standing  at  the 
doorway  looking  on,  and  said: 

"  Daddy,  for  the  love  of  Heaven,  give  this 
woman  a  kiss!" 


DISCERNING 

DAISY,"  remarked  the  teacher,  "don't  love 
your  cat  too  much.     What  would  you  do 
if  it  died — you  wouldn't  see  it  again?" 
"Oh,  yes;  I  should  see  it  in  heaven." 
"No,  dear,  you're  mistaken;  animals  cannot 
go  to  heaven  like  people." 

Daisy's  eyes  filled  with  tears,  but  suddenly 
she  exclaimed  triumphantly: 

"Animals  do  go  to  heaven,  for  the  Bible  says 
the  Promised  Land  is  flowing  with  milk  and  honey, 
and,  if  there  are  no  animals,  where  do  they  get 
the  milk?" 

223 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
ROTUND 

AN  ELDERLY  woman  who  was  extremely- 
stout  was  endeavoring  to  enter  a  street  car 
when  the  conductor,  noticing  her  diificulty,  said 
to  her: 

"Try  sideways,  madam;  try  sideways." 
The  woman  looked  up  breathlessly  and  said: 
"Why,  bless  ye,  I  ain't  got  no  sideways!" 


BEYOND        THE        SENSE        OF         HUMOR 

A  SCOTTISH    soldier,    badly    wounded,    re- 
quested an  army  chaplain  to  write  a  letter 
for  him  to  his  wife.     The  chaplain,  anxious  to 

oblige,  started  off  with  "  My  dear  Wife " 

"Na,  na,"  said  the  Scotsman,  "dinna  pit  that 
doon.     Ma  wife  canna  see  a  joke." 


A      NEW      COMPLAINT 

A  GERMAN,  whose  wife  was  ill  at  the 
Seney  Hospital,  Brooklyn,  called  the  first 
evening  she  was  there  and  inquired  how  she  was 
getting  along.  He  was  told  that  she  was  im- 
proving. 

Next  day  he  called  again,  and  was  told  she  was 
still  improving.     This  went  on  for  some  time, 
224 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

each  day  the  report  being  that  his  wife  was  im- 
proving. 

Finally,  one  day  he  called  and  said: 

"How  iss  my  wife?" 

"She's  dead." 

He  went  out  and  met  a  friend,  and  the  friend 
said: 

"Well,  how  is  your  wife?" 

"She's  dead." 

"Ooh!    How  terrible!    What  did  she  die  of?" 

"  Improvements!" 


SOME      FIGHT 

AN  AMERICAN  Negro  stevedore  assigned 
to  the  great  docks  in  southwestern  France 
had  written  several  letters  to  his  black  Susanna 
in  Jacksonville,  Fla.,  when  she  wrote  back  saying: 

"You-all  don't  nevah  tell  me  nothin'  'bout  de 
battle  a-tall.  Tilda  Sublet's  Dave  done  wrote 
her  all  about  how  he  kotched  two  Germans  all 
b.\'  hisself  and  kilt  three  mo'." 

The  stevedore  was  reluctant  to  tell  his  girl 
that  he  was  doing  manual  labor  and  that  his  only 
accoutrement  was  the  tinware  from  which  he 
ate  his  war  bread,  "slum"  and  coffee.  His  reply 
ran: 

225 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Dear  Sue:  De  battle  am  goin'  on.  You 
would  faint  if  1  tole  yuh  de  full  details.  Ah'm 
standin'  in  blood  up  to  mah  knees,  and  every  time 
Ah  move  Ah  step  on  a  daid  German.  We're  too 
close  to  use  our  rifles,  and  we're  bitin'  and  gougin' 
'em.  At  one  time  me  and  two  othah  niggahs  was 
hangin'  onto  de  Crown  Prince  wid  our  teeth,  an' 
old  Papa  Kaiser  done  beat  us  off  wid  a  fence 
rail  untwell  ree-umfo's-ments  come!" 


TOO      STRONG      A      TERM 

ONE  evening  just  before  dinner  the  wife,  who 
had  been  playing  bridge  all  the  afternoon, 
came  in  to  find  her  husband  and  a  strange  man 
(afterward  ascertained  to  be  a  lawyer)  engaged 
in  some  mysterious  business  over  the  library  table 
upon  which  were  spread  several  sheets  of  paper. 

"What  are  you  doing  with  all  that  paper, 
Henry?"  demanded  the  wife. 

"  1  am  making  a  wish,"  meekly  responded  the 
husband. 

"A  wish?" 

"Yes,  my  dear.  In  your  presence  I  shall  not 
presume  to  call  it  a  will." 


226 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
NOT      FOR      HER      TO      SAY 

THE  value  of  travel  oftentimes  depends  upon 
who  travels. 

Mrs.  Williams,  who  had  recently  returned  from 
abroad,  was  attending  an  afternoon  tea  which 
was  given  in  her  honor. 

"And  did  you  actually  go  to  Rome?"  asked  the 
hostess. 

"  I  really  don't  know,  my  dear,"  replied  Mrs. 
Williams.  "  You  see,  my  husband  always  bought 
the  tickets." 


AN      EXPERT 

SO,"  said  the  old  general,  "you  think  you 
would  make  a  good  valet  for  an  old  wreck 
like  me,  do  >'ou?  1  have  a  glass  eye,  a  wooden 
leg,  and  a  wax  arm  that  need  looking  after,  not 
to  mention  false  teeth,  and  so  forth." 

"Oh,  that's  all  right,  general,"  replied  the 
applicant,  enthusiastically;  "I've  had  lots  of 
experi'ince.  1  worked  six  years  in  the  assembling 
department  of  a  big  motor-car  factory." 


227 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
SHE      ADMITTED      IT 

OUR  ideals  are  often  a  personal  matter  and, 
after  all,  it  is  just  as  well  to  be  humble 
about  our  achievements  A  certain  woman  was 
brought  before  a  magistrate. 

"  It  appears  to  be  your  record,  Mary  Moselle," 
said  the  magistrate,  "that  you  have  been  thirty- 
five  times  convicted  of  stealing." 

"I  guess,  your  honor,"  replied  Mary,  "that 
is  right.    No  woman  is  perfect." 


A       BENEFACTOR      OF      MANKIND 

THIS  Story  teaches  us  a  very  old  moral. 
The  man  of  whom  it  is  told  was  travelling  in 
a  railroad  train  when  he  leaned  forward  confi- 
dentially to  the  man  in  the  next  seat 

"  Excuse  me,  sir,"  he  said.  "  You're  not  going 
to  get  off  at  the  next  station,  are  you?" 

"No,  sir." 

"Then  that  will  give  me  time  to  tell  you. 
Are  you  aware,  sir,  what  is  the  matter  with  this 
great  country?" 

"No,  sir." 

"As  1  thought.  It's  due  entirely  to  misunder- 
standing. We  are  always  jumping  to  conclusions 
about  others.  That  makes  us  suspicious.  Re- 
sult, constant  friction.  Take  you  and  me,  for 
228 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

example.  At  present  we  are  comparative 
strangers.  But  when  we  get  to  know  each  other 
better  we  shall  slowly  but  surely  come  to  realize 
that  each  of  us  is  trying  to  do  our  best,  and " 

"  But  1  don't  want  to  know  you  any  better." 

"  Precisely.  Exactly.  That's  what  causes  all 
the  trouble.  1  judge  you  and  you  judge  me  too 
hastily.  As  you  become  better  acquainted  with 
my  motives  you  will  gradually  come  to  realize 
that  deep  down  in  my  heart  is  a  passionate  desire 
to  benefit  my  fellowmen.  Same  here.  My  ten- 
dency is  to  treat  you  as  a  stranger,  not  to  give 
you  credit  for  noble  generosity  and  genuine  civic 
virtue.  But  I  am  determined  to  overcome  this 
attitude  and  recognize  you  as  a  brother.  I  know 
I'm  a  hundred  years  ahead  of  my  age,  but  some- 
one must  make  the  sacrifice." 

The  train  stopped  and  the  other  man  got  up 
and,  leaning  over,  grabbed  him  by  the  arm. 

"I'm  changing  my  mind,"  he  said;  "guess  I 
will  get  off  at  this  station.  By-by.  Sorry  I 
can't  know  you  better." 

The  pioneer  in  human  progress  sat  for  some 
time  after  the  train  had  started,  pondering  on  the 
deep  problem  of  destiny.  Suddenly,  however, 
he  clapped  his  hands  to  his  pockets  and  ran  for- 
ward to  the  conductor. 

229 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"Say,  conductor,"  he  whispered,  hoarsely, 
"did  that  man  I  was  talking  to  get  off  at  the  last 
station?" 

"Yes,  sir;  did  you  lose  anything?" 

The  human  benefactor  smiled  sadly. 

"Not  in  comparison  with  what  the  world  has 
lost,"  he  replied.  "The  human  race  has  lost  one 
of  those  priceless  ideas  which,  in  the  course  of 
centuries,  sometimes  come  to  real  genius  only  to 
be  abandoned.     I  lost  only  my  watch." 


THE      SILVER      LINING 

HE  WAS  a  Scot,  with  the  usual  thrifty  charac- 
teristics of  his  race.  Wishing  to  know  his 
fate,  he  telegraphed  a  proposal  of  marriage  to  the 
lady  of  his  choice.  After  waiting  all  day  at  the 
telegraph  office  he  received  an  affirmative  answer 
late  at  night. 

"Well,  if  1  were  you,"  said  the  operator  who 
delivered  the  message,  "  I'd  think  twice  before 
I'd  marry  a  girl  who  kept  me  waiting  so  long  for 
an  answer." 

"Na,  na,"  replied  the  Scot.  "The  lass  for  me 
is  the  lass  wha  waits  for  the  night  rates." 


230 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
FRENCH      POLITENESS 

AS  A  TRULY  polite  nation  the  French 
undoubtedly  lead  the  world,  thinks  a  con- 
tributor to  a  British  weekly.  The  other  day  a 
Paris  dentist's  servant  opened  the  door  to  a 
woebegone  patient. 

"And  who,  monsieur,"  he  queried  in  a  tender 
tone,  "shall  I  have  the  misery  of  announcing?" 


SIMPLE      FAITH 

THE  Methodist  minister  in  a  small  country 
town  was  noted  for  his  begging  propensities 
and  for  his  ability  to  extract  generous  offerings 
from  the  close-fisted  congregation,  which  was 
made  up  mostly  of  farmers.  One  day  the  young 
son  of  one  of  the  members  accidentally  swallowed 
a  ten-cent  piece,  much  to  the  excitement  of  the 
rest  of  the  family.  Every  means  of  dislodging 
the  coin  had  failed  and  the  frightened  parents 
were  about  to  give  up  in  despair  when  a  bright 
thought  struck  the  little  daughter,  who  exclaimed: 
"Oh,  mamma,  I  know  how  you  can  get  it! 
Send  for  our  minister;  he'll  get  it  out  of  him !" 


231 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
LIMITED      DISSIPATION 

A  SMALL,    hen-pecked,  worried-looking   man 
was  about  to  take  an  examination  for  life 
insurance. 

"You  don't  dissipate,  do  you?"  asked  the 
physician,  as  he  made  ready  for  tests.  "Not 
a  fast  liver,  or  anything  of  that  sort?" 

The  little  man  hesitated  a  moment,  looked  a 
bit  frightened,  then  replied,  in  a  small,  piping 
voice:     "  1  sometimes  chew  a  little  gum." 


THE      LIMIT 

THE  manager  of  a  factory  recently  engaged  a 
new  man  and  gave  instructions  to  the  fore- 
man to  instruct  him  in  his  duties.  A  few  days 
afterward  the  manager  inquired  whether  the  new 
man  was  progressing  with  his  work. 

The  foreman,  who  had  not  agreed  very  well 
with  the  man  in  question,  exclaimed  angrily: 

"Progressing!  There's  been  a  lot  of  progress. 
I  have  taught  him  everything  I  know  and  he  is 
still  an  ignorant  fool." 


A      PERFECT      PROGRAM 

THIS  Story  has  the  merit  of  being  true,  any-" 
how:    The   official    pessimist   of   a   small 
Western  city,  a  gentleman  who  had  wrestled  with 
232 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

chronic  dyspepsia  for  years,  stood  in  front  of 
the  post  office  as  the  noon  whistles  sounded. 

"Twelve  o'clock,  eh?"  he  said,  half  to  himself 
and  half  to  an  acquaintance.  "Well,  I'm  going 
home  to  dinner.  If  dinner  ain't  ready  I'm  going 
to  raise  hell;  and  if  it  is  ready  I  ain't  going  to  eat  a 
bite." 


TIPPERARY  IN      CHINESE 

THE    Chinese   have   put    "Tipperary"    into 
their  own  language,  and  native  newspapers 
print  the  chorus  as  follows: 

Shih  ko  yuan  lu  tao  Ti-po-!ieh-li, 

Pi  yao  ti  jih  hsing  tsou. 

Shih  ko  yuan  lu  tao  Ti-po-lieh-Ii, 

Yaochien  wo  ngai  tzu  nu, 

Tsai  hui  Pi-ko-ti-li, 

Tsai  chien  Lei-ssu  Kwei-rh, 

Shih  ko  yuan  lu  tao  Ti-po-lieh-li, 

Tan  wo  hsin  tsai  na-rh. 

This  is  the  literal  translation: 

This  road  is  far  from  Ti-po-lieh-li, 
We  must  walk  for  many  days, 
This  road  is  far  from  Ti-po-lieh-li, 
I  want  to  see  my  lovely  girl. 
To  meet  again  Pi-ko-ti-li, 
To  see  again  Lei-ssu  Kwei-rh, 
This  road  is  far  from  Ti-po-lieh-li, 
But  my  heart  is  already  in  that  place. 

2^^ 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
N  ON      FIT 

SHE  was  a  very  stout,  jolly-looking  woman, 
and  she  was  standing  at  the  corset  counter, 
holding  in  her  hand  an  article  she  was  returning. 
Evidently  her  attention  had  been  suddenly  drawn 
to  the  legend  printed  on  the  label,  for  she  was 
overheard  to  murmur,  "'Made  expressly  for 
John  Wanamaker.'  Well,  there!  No  wonder 
they  didn't  fit  me!" 


HIS       BY      RIGHT 

AN  IRISH  chauffeur  in  San  Francisco,  who 
had  been  having  trouble  with  numerous 
small  boys  in  the  neighborhood  of  his  stand, 
discovered  one  day  on  examining  his  car  that 
there  was  a  dead  cat  on  one  of  the  seats.  In  his 
anger  he  was  about  to  throw  the  carcass  into  the 
street,  when  he  espied  a  policeman. 

Holding  up  the  carcass,  he  exclaimed:  "This 
is  how  I  am  insulted.     What  am  I  to  do  with  it?" 

"Well,  don't  you  know?  Take  it  straight  to 
headquarters,  and  if  it  is  not  claimed  within  a 
month  it  becomes  your  property." 


234 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
BEST      OF      REASONS 

A  TEACHER  was  giving  a  lesson  on  the  cir- 
culation of  the  blood.  Trying  to  make 
the  matter  clearer,  he  said:  "Now,  boys,  if  I 
stood  on  my  head  the  blood,  as  you  know,  would 
run  into  it,  and  I  should  turn  red  in  the  face." 

"Yes,  sir,"  said  the  boys. 

"Now,"  continued  the  teacher,  "what  I  want 
to  know  is  this :  How  is  it  that  while  I  am  stand- 
ing upright  in  the  ordinary  position  the  blood 
doesn't  rush  into  my  feet?" 

And  a  little  fellow  shouted:  "Why,  sir,  be- 
cause yer  feet  ain't  empty." 


A      STORY      FROM      THE       FRONT 

ONE  day  an  ammunition  dump  blew  up. 
Cordite  was  blazing,  shells  and  bombs 
bursting,  and  splinters  and  whole  shells  flying 
everywhere  in  the  vicinity.  The  atmosphere 
was  full  of  smoke  and  resounding  with  metallic 
whines.  Out  of  a  shack  hard  by  came  a  darky, 
loaded  to  the  waterline  with  kit,  blankets,  rifle, 
etc.,  and  up  the  road  he  dangled. 

"Here!    Where  are  you  going?"  shouted  an 
officer. 

"I  ain't  goin',  suh,"  panted  the  darky.     "  I's 
gone." 

235 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
EQUATORIAL      MICHIGAN 

REPRESENTATIVE  Billy  Wilson,  who  dwells 
in  Chicago,  found  himself  in  the  upper  penin- 
sula of  Michigan  doing  some  fishing  and  hunting. 
While  there  he  conversed  with  the  guide  that  he 
had  hired  in  order  to  have  somebody  around  to 
talk  to. 

"Must  get  mighty  all-fired  cold  up  here  in 
winter,"  remarked  Wilson  one  morning. 

"Yes,  it  often  gets  away  down  to  forty-five 
below  zero,"  replied  the  native. 

"Don't  see  how  you  stand  it,"  said  the  Con- 
gressman. 

"Oh,  1  always  spend  my  winters  in  the  South," 
explained  the  guide. 

"Go  South,  eh?  Well,  well!  That's  enter- 
prising.    And  where  do  you  go?" 

"  Grand  Rapids,"  said  the  guide. 


SCRIPTURAL 

THE  college  boys  played  a  mean  trick  on 
"Prexy"  by  pasting  some  of  the  leaves 
of  his  Bible  together.  He  rose  to  read  the  morn- 
ing lesson,  which  might  have  been  as  follows: 

"Now  Johial  took  unto  himself  a  wife  of  the 
daughters  of  Belial."     {He  turned  a  leaf.)     "She 
236 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

was  eighteen  cubits  in  height  and  ten  cubits  in 
breadth."  (A  pause,  and  careful  scrutiny  of  the 
former  page) 

He  resumed :  "  Now  Johial  took  unto  himself  a 
wife,"  etc.  {Leaf  turned.)  "She  was  eighteen 
cubits  in  height  and  ten  cubits  in  breadth,  and 

was  pitched  within  and  without "     {Painful 

pause  and  souiids  of  suhdued  mirth.)  "Prexy" 
turns  back  again  in  perplexity. 

"  Young  gentlemen,  I  can  only  add  that  '  Man 
is  fearfully  and  wonderfully  made' — and  woman 
also." 


THE      FACT      WAS 

SAYING  is  one  thing  and  doing  is  another. 
In  Montana  a  railway  bridge  had  been 
destroyed  by  fire,  and  it  was  necessary  to  replace 
it.  The  bridge  engineer  and  his  staff  were  ordered 
in  haste  to  the  place.  Two  days  later  came  the 
superintendent  of  the  division.  Alighting  from 
his  private  car,  he  encountered  the  old  master 
bridge-builder. 

"  Bill,"  said  the  superintendent — and  the  words 
quivered  with  tnergy — "  I  want  this  job  rushed. 
Every  hour's  delay  costs  the  company  money. 
Have  you  got  the  engineer's  plans  for  the  new 
bridge?" 

237 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  the  bridge-builder, 
"whether  the  engineer  has  the  picture  drawed 
yet  or  not,  but  the  bridge  is  up  and  the  trains 
is  passin'  over  it." 


THE      LAST     WORD,      AS     USUAL 

THE  ways  of  a  woman  are  supposed  to  be 
past  finding  out,  but  after  all  there  are  times 
when  her  logic  is  irresistible  as  in  the  case  of  a 
certain  wife  who  had  spent  her  husband's  money, 
had  compromised  him  more  than  once,  had 
neglected  her  children  and  her  household  duties, 
and  had  done  everything  that  woman  can  do  to 
make  his  life  a  failure. 

And  then,  as  they  were  both  confronted  by  the 
miserable  end  of  it  all,  and  realized  that  there  was 
no  way  out  of  it,  he  said: 

"  Perhaps  I  ought  not  to  appear  to  be  too  triv- 
ially curious,  but  1  confess  to  a  desire  to  know 
why  you  have  done  all  this.  You  must  have 
known,  if  you  kept  on,  just  what  the  end  would  be. 
Of  course,  nobody  expects  a  woman  to  use  her 
reason.  But  didn't  you  have,  even  in  a  dim  way, 
some  idea  of  what  you  were  doing?" 

She  gazed  at  him  with  her  usual  defiance,  a 
habit  not  to  be  broken  even  by  the  inevitable. 

"Certainly  I  did.     It  was  your  fault." 
238 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

" My  fault!    How  do  you  make  that  out?" 

"  Because  I  have  never  had  the  sUghtest  respect 
for  you." 

"Why  not?" 

She  actually  laughed. 

"  How  could  you  expect  me  to  have  any  respect 
for  a  man  who  could  not  succeed  in  preventing 
me  from  doing  the  things  I  did?" 


FRUGAL      TO      THE      END 

NOT  long  ago  a  certain  publication  had  an 
idea.  Its  editor  made  up  a  list  of  thirty 
men  and  women  distinguished  in  art,  religion, 
literature,  commerce,  politics,  and  other  lines, 
and  to  each  he  sent  a  letter  or  a  telegram  contain- 
ing this  question:  "If  you  had  but  forty-eight 
hours  more  to  live,  how  would  you  spend  them?" 
his  purpose  being  to  embody  the  replies  in  a  sym- 
posium in  a  subsequent  issue  of  his  periodical. 

Among  those  who  received  copies  of  the  in- 
quiry was  a  New  York  writer.  He  thought  the 
proposition  over  for  a  spell,  and  then  sent  back 
the  truthful  answer  by  wire,  collect: 

"One  at  a  time." 


239 


T 


BEST   SHORT   STORIES 
NOT   MUCH   TO   TALK   ABOUT 

HERE  was  an  explosion  of  one  of  the  big 
i  guns  on  a  battleship  not  long  ago.  Shortly 
afterward  one  of  the  sailors  who  was  injured  was 
asked  by  a  reporter  to  give  an  account  of  it. 

"Well,  sir,"  rejoined  the  jacky,  "it  was  like 
this:  You  see,  1  was  standin'  with  me  back  to 
the  gun,  a-facin'  the  port  side.  All  of  a  sudden 
I  hears  a  hell  of  a  noise;  then,  sir,  the  ship  physi- 
cian, he  says, '  Set  up  an'  take  this/  " 


FOLLOWING      INSTRUCTIONS 

YOUTH  {with  tie  of  the  Stars  and  Stripes): 
1  sent  you  some  suggestions  telling  you  how 
to  make  your  paper  more  interesting.  Have  you 
carried  out  any  of  my  ideas? 

Editor:     Did  you  meet  the  office  boy  with 
the  waste-paper  basket  as  you  came  upstairs? 
Youth:    Yes,  yes,  I  did. 
Editor  :    Well,  he  was  carrying  out  your  ideas. 


NO   PLACE   FOR   HIM 

ON  THE  western  plains  the  sheepman  goes 
out  with  several  thousand  head  and  one 
human  companion.    The  natural  result  is  that 
240 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

the  pair,  forced  on  one  another  when  they  least 
want  it,  form  the  habit  of  hating  each  other. 

An  ex-sheepman  while  in  a  narrative  mood 
one  evening  was  telling  a  party  of  friends  of  a 
fellow  he  once  rode  with.  "Not  a  word  had 
passed  between  us  for  more  than  a  week,  and  that 
night  when  we  rolled  up  in  our  blankets  he  sud- 
denly asked: 

'"Hear  that  cow  beller?' 

"  'Sounds  to  me  like  a  bull,'  I  replied. 

"No  answer,  but  the  following  morning  I 
noticed  him  packing  up. 

"'Going  to  leave?'  I  questioned. 

"  'Yes,'  he  replied. 

"'What  for?' 

"'Too  much  argument.'" 


IN      THE      OLD      DAYS 

LORD   NORTHCLIFFE    at    a    Washington 
luncheon    was    talking    about    the    British 
Premier. 

"Mr.  Lloyd  George  is  the  idol  of  the  nation," 
he  said.  "It  is  hard  to  believe  how  unpopular 
he  was,  at  least  among  the  Unionists,  once. 
Among  the  many  stories  circulated  about  Mr. 
Lloyd  George's  unpopularity  at  that  time  there 
was  one  which  concerned  a  rescue  from  drowning. 
241 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

The  heroic  rescuer,  when  a  gold  medal  was  pre- 
sented to  him  for  his  brave  deed,  modestly  de- 
clared: 

"'I  don't  deserve  this  medal.  I  did  nothing 
but  my  duty.  I  saw  our  friend  here  struggling 
in  the  water.  I  knew  he  must  drown  unless 
someone  saved  him.  So  I  plunged  in,  swam  out 
to  him,  turned  him  over  to  make  sure  it  wasn't 
Lloyd  George,  and  then  lugged  him  to  safety  on 
my  back.'" 


TAKING      NO      CHANCES 

AB IG  darky  was  being  registered. 
"Ah  can't  go  to  wah,"  he  answered  in 
re  exemption,    "foh  they  ain't  nobody  to  look 
afteh  ma  wife." 

A  dapper  little  undersized  colored  brother 
stepped  briskly  up  and  inquired,  "What  kind  of 
a  lookin'  lady  h  yoh  wife  ?  " 


TOO      PERSONAL 

UPON  the  recent  death  of  an  American  poli- 
tician, who  at  one  time  served  his  country 
in  a  very  high  legislative  place,  a  number  of  news- 
paper men  were  collaborating  on  an  obituary 
notice. 

242 


BEST      SHORT      STORIE-S 

"What  shall  we  say  of  the  former  senator?" 
asked  one  of  the  men. 

"Oh,  just  put  down  that  he  was  always  faith- 
ful to  his  trust." 

"And,"  queried  a  cynical  member  of  the  group, 
"shall  we  mention  the  name  of  the  trust?" 


AN      ACROBAT      IN      THE      SQUAD 

SERGEANT  {drilling  awkward  squad):  "Com- 
pany!   Attention,  company!     Lift  up  your 
left  leg  and  hold  it  straight  out  in  front  of  you!' 

One  of  the  squad  held  up  his  right  leg  by  mis- 
take. This  brought  his  right-hand  companion's 
left  leg  and  his  own  right  leg  close  together.  The 
officer,  seeing  this,  exclaimed  angrily: 

"And  who  is  that  blooming  galoot  over  there 
holding  up  both  legs?" 

HIS      SYSTEM      WAS      A      COMPLETE 
ONE 

WE  KNOW  that  the  achievements  of 
American  business  experts  are  often 
beyond  belief.  Whether  the  following  story  is 
true,  or  is  merely  a  satire,  must  be  left  to  the 
judgment  of  the  acute  reader: 

"May  I  have  a  few  moments'  private  con- 
versation?" 

243 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

The  faultlessly  dressed  gentleman  addressed 
the  portly  business  man,  standing  upon  the 
threshold  of  his  office. 

"This  is  a  business  proposition,  sir,"  he  said, 
rapidly  closing  the  door  and  sinking  into  a  seat 
beside  the  desk.  "  1  am  not  a  book  agent,  nor 
have  I  any  article  to  sell.  I  have  come  to  see 
you  about  your  wife." 

"My  wife!" 

"Yes,  sir.  Glancing  over  the  society  column 
of  your  local  paper,  1  am  informed  that  she  is 
about  to  take  her  annual  autumn  trip  to  Virginia. 
You  will,  or  course,  have  to  remain  behind  to 
take  care  of  your  vast  business  interests.  Your 
wife,  sir,  is  a  charming  and  attractive  woman, 
still  in  the  bloom  of  youth.  Have  you,  sir,  con- 
sidered the  possibilities?" 

The  other  man  started  to  get  up,  his  face  red 
with  rage. 

"  You "  he  began. 

"One  moment,  sir,  and  I  think  I  can  satisfy 
your  mind  that  my  motives  are  pure  as  alabaster. 
This  is  an  age  of  machinery,  of  science  and  in- 
vention, and,  above  all,  of  efficiency.  1  am  simply 
carrying  this  idea  of  efficiency  into  the  domestic 
life,  which,  as  you  are  doubtless  aware,  is  so  much 
more  important  than  the  physical.  One  moment, 
244 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

sir.  I  can  furnish  you  with  the  highest  creden- 
tials. This  is  purely  professional,  I  can  assure 
you.  Will  give  bond  if  you  so  desire.  My  prop- 
osition is  this:  I  will  accompany  your  wife  on 
her  trip,  always,  when  travelling,  at  a  respectful 
distance,  }'ou  understand,  and  it  will  be  my 
pleasure  as  well  as  business  to  amuse  and  interest 
her  during  her  stay.  1  do  everything — play 
tennis,  bridge,  dance  all  the  latest  steps,  know  the 
latest  jokes,  can  sing,  converse  on  any  subject 
or  remain  silent,  am  a  life-saver,  can  run  an  auto, 
flirt  discreetly,  and,  in  fact,  am  the  most  delightful 
companion  for  a  wife  that  you  can  imagine. 
Remember,  sir,  that  unless  you  engage  my  ser- 
vices your  wife  is  at  the  mercy  of  all  the  strangers 
she  may  meet  and  being  in  that  peculiar  con- 
dition of  mind  where  she  is  bound  to  be  attracted 
by  things  that  would  otherwise  seem  common- 
place, there  is  no  telling  what  the  end  might  be. 
But  with  me  she  is  perfectly  safe.  I  guarantee 
results.  1  insure  your  heart's  happiness  against 
the  future.  Terms  reasonable.  1  can  refer  you 
to " 

In  reply  the  enforced  host  rose  up,  and,  taking 
him  not  too  gently  by  the  arm,  led  him  to  the 
door. 

"  My  friend,"  he  said,  coldly,  "your  proposition 
245 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

of  safety  first  doesn't  interest  me.  No,  sir! 
I'm  sending  my  wife  to  Virginia  in  hopes  that  she 
will  actually  fall  in  love  with  somebody  else,  so  I 
won't  have  to  endure  what  little  I  see  of  her  any 
more,  and  here  you  come  in  to  spoil  my  future. 
No,  sir!" 

His  visitor  turned  andjaced  him  with  a  bright 
smile. 

"My  dear  sir,"  he  said,  "wait.  Business  man 
that  you  are,  you  do  not  understand  the  extent 
of  our  resources,  which  cover  every  emergency.  In 
accordance  with  our  usual  custom,  1  have  already 
met  your  wife  at  a  bridge  party,  and  1  might  say 
that  she  is  crazy  about  me.  Now,  sir,  for  double 
the  price  of  my  regular  fee  and  a  small  annual 
stipend,  which  is  about  half  the  alimony  you 
might  have  to  pay,  1  will  agree  to  marry  and  take 
her  off  your  hands  in  six  months,  making  you 
happy  for  the  rest  of  your  life.  Sign  here,  please. 
Thank  you." 

FACING      THE      TRUTH 

SANDERSON  was  on  a  visit  to  Simpkins, 
and  in  due  course,  naturally,  he  was  shown 
the  family  album. 

"  Yes,"  said  Simpkins,  as  he  turned  the  leaves, 
"that's  my  wife's  second  cousin's  aunt  Susan. 
246 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

And  that's  Cousin  James,  and  that's  a  friend  erf 
ours,  and  that — oh,  now,  who  do  you  think  that 
is?" 

"  Don't  know,"  said  Sanderson. 

"  Well,  that's  my  wife's  first  husband,  my  boy." 

"  Great  Scot !  What  a  perfect  brainless-looking 
idiot.  But  excuse  me,  old  fellow,  1  didn't  know 
your  wife  was  a  widow  when  you  married  her." 

"She  wasn't,"  said  Simpkins  stiffly.  "That, 
sir,  is  a  portrait  of  myself  at  the  age  of  twenty." 


HE      GOT      RESULTS,      ANYWAY 

AMERICAN  troops  who  during  the  early  days 
of  the  European  War  were  landed  in  France 
received  a  more  careful  and  prolonged  training 
than  could  possibly  be  given  the  most  of  the  regi- 
ments hurriedly  raised  during  the  Civil  War. 
The  story  goes  that  a  raw  battalion  of  rough 
backwoodsmen,  who  had  "volunteered,"  once 
joined  General  Grant.  He  admired  their  fine 
physique,  but  distrusted  the  capacity  of  their 
uncouth  commander  to  handle  troops  promptly 
and  efficiently  in  the  field,  so  he  said : 

"Colonel,  1  want  to  see  your  men  at  work;  call 
them  to  attention,  and  order  them  to  march  with 
shouldered  arms  in  close  column  to  the  left  flank." 
247 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

Without  a  moment's  hesitation  the  colonel 
yelled  to  his  fellow-ruffians: 

"Boys,  look  wild  thar!  Make  ready  to 
thicken  and  go  left  endways!  Tote  yer  guns! 
Git!" 

The  manoeuvre  proved  a  brilliant  success  and 
the  self-elected  colonel  was  forthwith  officially 
commissioned. 


THE      TWO      TREATMENTS 

PRESIDENT  WILSON,  an  ardent  advocate 
of  every  kind  of  social  reform,  is  fond  of 
telling  a  story  about  an  old  teamster. 

This  old  fellow  said  to  the  treasurer  of  the  con- 
cern one  day : 

"Me  and  that  off  horse  has  been  workin'  for 
the  company  seventeen  years,  sir." 

"Just  so,  Winterbottom,  just  so,"  said  the 
treasurer,  and  he  cleared  his  throat  and  added: 
"Both  treated  well,  1  hope?" 

The  old  teamster  looked  dubious. 

"Wall,"  he  said,  "we  wus  both  tooken  down 
sick  last  month,  and  they  got  a  doctor  for  the 
boss,  while  they  docked  my  pay." 


248 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 
COMPREHENSIVE 

THERE  is  nothing  like  taking  precautions. 
In  the  following  colloquy  Mr.  Casey,  so  far 
as  we  can  judge,  neglected  nothing.  Mrs.  Casey 
said  to  him: 

"  Me  sister  writes  me  that  every  bottle  in  that 
box  we  sent  her  was  broken.  Are  ye  sure  yez 
printed  'This  side  up  with  care'  on  it?" 

"Oi  am,"  said  Casey  emphatically.  "An'  for 
fear  they  shouldn't  see  it  on  the  top  Oi  printed  it 
on  the  bottom  as  well." 


BITING      REPROOF 

DURING  a  dust-storm  at  one  of  the  army 
camps,  a  recruit  sought  shelter  in  the  cook's 
tent. 

"  If  you  put  the  lid  on  that  camp  kettle  you 
would  not  get  so  much  dust  in  your  soup." 

"  See  here,  my  lad,  your  business  is  to  serve  your 
country." 
"  Yes,"  replied  the  recruit,  "  but  not  to  eat  it." 


DISCRIMINATIVE 

ON   A   road    in    Belgium   a   German  officer 
met  a  boy  leading  a  jackass  and  addressed 
him  in  heavy  jovial  fashion  as  follows: 

2JQ 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

"  That's  a  fine  jackass  you  have,  my  son.     What 

do  you  call  it?    Albert,  I  bet!" 

"Oh,  no,  officer,"  the  boy  replied  quickly.     "I 

think  too  highly  of  my  King." 
The  German  scowled  and  returned: 
"  I  hope  you  don't  dare  to  call  it  William." 
"Oh,  no,  officer.     I   think  too  highly  of  my 

jackass." 

NOTHING      TO      LOSE 

AN  AUTHOR  has  favored  us  with  the  fol- 
lowing anecdote,  which  is  taken  from  the 
opening  of  a  chapter  in  a  forthcoming  book  deal- 
ing with  the  war.  It  is  another  example  of  the 
pioneer  character  of  ministerial  service  with  us. 
The  varieties  of  opportunity  are  constantly 
changing,  but  out  in  the  front,  according  to  the 
needs  of  our  day  and  generation,  there  stands  the 
Unitarian  with  the  equipped  mind  and  the  ready 
hand.  "A  year  ago,  in  London,  a  man  originally 
from  New  York  State  came  up  and  spoke  to  me  as 
a  fellow-American.  He  wore  the  garb  of  a  Cana- 
dian officer.  After  1  had  answered  his  query  as 
to  what  1  was  doing  in  England,  he  said:  'My 
work  is  rather  different.  1  am  looking  after  the 
social  evil  and  venereal  diseases  in  the  Canadian 
Army.'     'Then  you  are  a  medical  man?'     'No, 

2'70 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

said  he, '  I  tried  to  get  my  English  medical  friends 
to  take  hold  of  the  work,  but  they  said  that  they 
had  their  reputations  to  look  after.  I  have  no 
reputation  to  lose.  /  am  simply  a  UnUarian 
clergyman.'" 


BAIT 

WHEN  Mike  Flaherty  abandoned  South 
Boston  for  Lynn  and  hired  a  cottage  with 
a  bit  of  a  back  yard  the  first  thing  he  did  was  to 
hurry  back  to  the  Hub  of  the  Universe  and  pur- 
chase a  monkey.  "Divil  a  wurrd"  of  his  scheme 
would  he  disclose  to  his  old  cronies  in  Boston. 
But  afterward  he  let  out: 

"  'Twas  like  this:  1  chained  the  monk  to  a 
shtick  in  me  yard,  and  the  coal  th rains  do  be 
passin'  all  day  foreninst,  and  on  iv'ry  cairrdobe 
a  brakeman.  In  one  waik,  begorra,  1  had  two 
tons  of  coal  in  me  cellar,  and  the  monk  never 
wanst  hit." 


BASEBALL      ''oVER      THERE'' 

IN  A  camp  "Over  There"  the  Turkish  prison- 
ers  are   allowed    some   freedom    and   among 
other  things  our  American  boys  introduced  them 
to  the  game  of  baseball.     The  Turks  did  remark- 
251 


BEST      SHORT      STORIES 

ably  well  at  it.  One  of  them  stepped  up  to  the 
bat  one  day,  and  taking  it  firmly  in  his  hand 
turned  to  the  east  and  salaaming  said  in  a  rev- 
erent voice  "Allah,  assist  thy  servant."  He  then 
made  a  three  bagger. 

The  next  player  to  the  bat  was  an  American 
boy  who  was  not  going  to  let  that  Turk  beat  him. 
He  also  stepped  up  to  the  bat,  clasped  it  firmly 
in  his  hand,  salaaming  to  the  east  said,  "  You 
know  me,  Al,"  keeping  up  with  the  Turk. 


252 


INDEX  OF  TITLES 


Accounting  for  It 

Accuracy 

Acrobat  in  the  Squad 
An 

Advice  to  Mabel 

Alas!    Too  Late!    . 

Allegro    .... 

All  or  Nothing   . 

Always  Get  the  Facts 

Always  Safety  First 

Anglomaniac,  An 

And  He  Succeeded  . 

Another  Engagement 

Anticipating  the  Pleas- 
ure      .... 

Appraised 

Appreciation 

Apprehending    th 
Kaiser 

Archie's  Neck    . 

Arrival  of  Wilhelm,  The 

Automatic  "  Efficiency" 


Bait 

Balls       .... 
Bargain-counter  Golf 
Baseball  "Over  There' 
Bay  State  Solomon,  A 
Beginning  Early 
Benefactor  of   Man 

kind,  A     .     .      . 
Best  of  Reasons . 
Better  Way,  The     . 
Beyond  Him     .     . 


23 
101 

141 

35 
119 

'5Q 

4 

216 

93 
'73 
100 

184 

7' 
119 

168 
109 

3» 
149 

251 

116 

251 

83 

222 

228 
235 
'47 
200 


Beyond  the  Sense  of  Hu- 
mor       224 

Big  Chances  Both  Ways  206 

Biting  Reproof  .      .      .  249 

Blissful  Ignorance  .     .  137 

Boiled 144 

Bootblack's  Generosity, 

The 162 

Business  [s  Business   161,213 


Caesar  Visits  Cicero 
Camouflage  . 
Can  This  Be  True? 
Cash!      .      .      . 
Cautious  Mourner 
Change  for  the  Better 
Charity  . 

Clincher,  A  .      .      . 
Coaxer,  A     .      .      . 
Comparison 
Compliments  of  the  Day 
Comprehensive 
Comrades!    . 
Conclusive    . 
Connoisseur,  A  . 
Considering  Father 
Couldn't  Be  Bothered 
Crown     Prince    Called 

Down  . 
Curiosity 

Dad  Was  Wise  . 
Danger  Signals  . 
Deep-laid  Plan,  A 


3'J 
191 

4 

50 
93 

206 

140 
26 

149 
53 
46 

249 

57 

130 

28 

207 

85 

220 
136 

203 

136 


353 


INDEX     OF    TITLES 


Deep  One,  A     .     .     . 

104 

Delayed  .      .     .      .     . 

198 

Delightful    Experience 

A 

201 

Depended  on  the  Mule. 

219 

Deserved  the  Legacy     . 

75 

Diagnosed    .      .      .      . 

.87 

Diagnosing  Himself 

81 

Didn't   Suit   Him   . 

49 

Didn't    Want    to    Rob 

) 

Him    ...      . 

114 

Difference,  The . 

118 

Difficult  Passage,  A 

123 

Dignities  of  Office,  The 

'43 

Diplomat,  A       .      . 

117 

Disadvantage,  A      . 

84 

Discerning    .     .     . 

221 

Discriminative  . 

249 

Doing  His  Duty,  But- 

-     183 

Doing  Unto  His  Neigh 

- 

bor       .... 

124 

Dual  Reputation,  A 

.     215 

Durable  .... 

lOI 

Easy  Adjustment,  An 

70 

Easy  Matter,  An 

72 

Ecclesiastical  Dues  En 

forced 

.'      69 

Eclipse,  The,  to  Order 

.       27 

EfTective!      .      .      . 

.      122 

Elimination 

.     166 

Endurance   . 

,     180 

Enough!,      .     .     . 

•     174 

Envy?     .... 

.       38 

Equatorial  Michigan 

.     236 

Evidence      .     .     . 

.      126 

Experienced.      .      . 

•      •13 

Expert,  An  .     .     . 

.     227 

Facing  the  Truth     • 

.     246 

Fact  Was,  The  .     . 

.     237 

Fair  Warning     .     . 

•      175 

Fame      .... 

.     144 

Figuratively  Speaking. 
Flattering   Explanation 

A 

Following  Instructions 
Forced  Into  It    . 
French  Politeness   . 
Frugal  to  the  End  . 
Full  Particulars  Free 
Full  Spead  Ahead   . 
Futile  Experiment,  A 
Future  Statesman,  A 

Gastronomical  . 
Gentle  Dissolution,  A 
German  Arithmetic 
Get-rich-quick 

Scheme,  A 
Getting  Even     .      .    109, 
Gifted  Youth,  A     . 
Give  Him  Time. 
Give  Us  the  Chance 
Grateful  to  the  Doctor 
Great  Relief  in  Heaven 
Guide!     .... 
Guilty     .... 
Guilty  Conscience,  A 


Had  Had  Treatment 
Had  His  Rights 
Had  Heard  Him  Before 
Had  to  Be  Settled    . 
Happy  Ending  Wanted 
Hard  Knock,  A  . 
Hard  Up  for  Wind  . 
Heaven  Sent 
He     Couldn't     H  a  v 

Missed  It. 
He  Got  It  Twice 
He  Got  Results  Anyway 
He  Knew  Bryan 
He  Knew  the  Law    . 
He  Might  be,  but  She 

Wasn't      .     .     .     . 


•34 

49 
240 

145 
231 
239 

>9 
177 

39 
127 

«5> 
39 
122 

48 
187 
107 

82 
201 
138 

7 

167 
38 
•53 

29 
102 

54 
21 
192 
100 
'57 
47 

37 
142 
247 
'58 

10 

138 


254 


INDEX     OF    TITLES 


He  Obeyed  .      .      .      . 

"75 

Intelligent  Cat,  The      . 

196 

Her  Domestic  Instincts 

55 

In  the  Old  Days       .      . 

241 

Her  Own      .      .      .      . 

64 

Is  This  Tact?     .      .     . 

221 

Her  Prayer  .      .      .      . 

98 

It  Happened  in  Illinois. 

loS 

He  Scorned  the  Though 

t    171 

"It  Is  Forbidden"  . 

97 

He  Understood 

'95 

Its  Name      .... 

200 

He  Was  Broad  Minded. 

6 

He  Was  Not  a  Prohibi- 

Jeems Henry  Was  Con- 

tionist       .      .      .      . 

170 

jured!  

73 

High  Finance     . 

>5 

Joe's  Diagnosis        .      . 

89 

His  Application 

23 

Joy  of  Eating     ,      .      . 

115 

His  by  Right      .      .      . 

334 

Just  Answered   . 

120 

His  Complaint  . 

184 

Justice  to  T.  R.  .     .     . 

169 

His  Favorite  Beast  . 

314 

His  Generosity  .     .     . 

114 

Kaiser's  Last  Word.  The 

163 

His  Great  Ambition 

167 

Keeping  It  in  the  Family 

74 

His  Lack      .      .     .     . 

23 

Kindness       .... 

204 

His  Need      .      .      .      . 

•39 

Knew  His  Business. 

1S8 

His  Search  for  the  Prac 

Knew  His  Job    . 

92 

tical 

•57 

Knew  More  About  Hens 

His  System  Was  a  Com- 

Than History      .     . 

140 

plete  One 

243 

Historical     .      .      .      . 

OS 

Last  Resort. 

56 

His  Ultimatum 

107 

Last  Word,  The,  as  Us- 

Hoodooed    .      .      .      . 

•45 

ual 

2^8 

Horse    Psychologist,   A 

148 

lesson  in  Manners,  A  . 

154 

How  Could  He  Know? 

I3« 

Life,  The      .... 

84 

How  He  Got  Them. 

29 

Life's  Eternal  Query 

14 

How  Mary  Lost  a  Tip  . 

199 

Limit,  The    .      .     .124 

232 

How  to  Tell  a  Well-bred 

Limited  Dissipation 

232 

Dog 

128 

Literal  Censor,  A'    . 

151 

How  War  Began    .     . 

180 

Little  too  Thrifty,  A     . 

'99 

Humbled      .      .      .      , 

321 

Long  Story,  A    .      .      . 

215 

Looked  1  hat  Way  .     . 

37 

Ian  Hay's  Fate  .      . 

191 

Immortal!     . 

33 

Makes  a  Difference.      . 

186 

impersonal  . 

173 

Making  It  Fit    .      .      . 

«54 

Improvement!    . 

76 

Man   He  Left   Behind, 

In  Advance  . 

.      131 

The 

•35 

Inconsiderate     . 

.       99 

Manna   ..... 

47 

Indissoluble  i'artners 

.     218 

Mark  Twain  on  Million- 

In Memoriam    . 

•        83 

aires     

64 

In  Our  Melting  Pot. 

.       81 

Matrimonial  Endurance 

i8u 

355 


INDEX    OF    TITLES 


Matrimonial  Profundity 
Matter    of    Nomenda 

ture,  A     .      .     . 
Matter    with     Kansas 

rhe     .... 
Memories     . 
Might  Draw  Business 
Misleading   . 
Missed  His  Chance. 
Missing  it    .      .      . 
Mistaken  Identity? 
Mistakes  Will  Happen 
More  Scotch  Thrift . 
Moving  Tale,  A. 
Much  Simpler  . 

New  Complaint,  A  • 
New  Regime,  The  . 
New  Servant-girl  Story 
"Next!"  .  .  . 
No  Change  in  Shylock 
No  Danger  .  .  . 
Non  Fit  . 

No  Free  Advertising 
No  Joque 

No  Peace  for  Him  . 
No  Place  for  Him  . 
No  Telling    . 
No  Use  for  it    .     . 
Not  a  Native     . 
Not  Enough  Scenery 
Not  For  Her  to  Say 
Nothing  to  Lose 
Not  in  the  Tactics  . 
Not     Much     to    Talk 

About 
Not  So  Difficult      . 
Nourishment 

Obeying  Orders. 
Obvious  Place,  The 
Old  Hand,  An    .     . 


•5 

96 

146 

69 

43 

88 

6 

181 
53 
87 

204 

65 
105 

224 

16 

5 

58 
>74 
43 
234 
132 
165 
144 
240 
125 
121 
141 
190 
227 
250 
'33 

240 

75 
28 


91 

182 

193 


On  Duty  Elsewhere 
One  Explanation     . 
One  on  Him 
One  Way  Out     . 
On  Her  Nerves 
Only    one    Thing    for 

Him     .... 
Oritntal  Politeness  . 
Original  Method,  The 
"Over  Here"     . 


Perfectly  Natural    .     .  117 

Perfect  Program,  A.      .  232 

Perpetual  Motion    .      .  113 
Person  of  Discernment, 

A 195 

Pessimists     .      .     .     .  198 

Pigtails  and  Moustaches  157 

Playing  Safe      .      .     '.  178 

Point  of  Honor,  The     .  3 

Poser,  A 43 

"  Prayer  of  the  Unright- 
eous"    lo) 

Preparedness     .     .     .  176 

Pride 197 

Pride  in  the  Daily  Task.  114 

Probably  Right.      .      .  m 

Proper  Spirit,  The  .      .  112 

Proposal,  The    .     .     .  139 

Proving  It   ...      .  104 

Purely  Literary.      .      .  90 
Putting    It    up   to   the 

Horse 183 

Ready-witted  Parson,  A  103 

Real  Culprit,  The    .      .  95 

Record  Breaker,  A  .      .  126 

Remorse 94 

Revealed      ....  80 
Revised  Classics      .     24,  163 

Rivalry 173 

Robbing  Himself     .     .  197 

Rotund 224 


i6i 

94 

80 

179 

50 

136 

34 
201 

13 


256 


INDEX    OF    TITLES 


Life 


Safe 

Safe  Deposit 

Same  Old  Hours,  The 

Scotch  Thrills 

Scriptural 

Sen'itive 

Sermon  on  the  War,  A 

By  Parson  Brown 
She  Admitted  it 
She  Knew  Him  . 
Silent  Contempt 
Silver  Lining,  The   . 
Simple  Faith 
Simple    Political 

The     .     .      . 
Skeptic,  A    . 
Smarty!  . 
Smarty!  . 
Soft  Answer,  A 
Solving  a  Great  Prob 

lem      .... 
Some  Fight  . 
Some  Speed . 
Something! 
Specially  Endowed 
Sporting  Proposition, 
Staying  on  the  Job  . 
Still  Companionable 
Still  Not  Satisfied    . 
Still  Unbeaten   . 
Stock    Suffrage    Argu 

ment,  A    .      .     . 
Story  from  the  Front 

A    .      .      . 
Stories     about     James 

Gordon  Bennett 
Sunshine,  Mr.,  and  Mr 

Gloom 
Surprising 

Table  of  Comparison 
Taking  no  Chances 
Tax«d  to  Capacity 


45 
146 

«33 

25 

236 

121 

10 
228 

48 
106 
230 
231 

'56 
192 
26 
127 

88 

186 
225 

135 
189 
165 

•39 
21 1 

70 
148 

22 

103 

235 

209 

61 
217 

92 
242 
150 


Test  of  Friendship,  A  .  136 
Teuton  Way,  The  .  .  118 
Their  "Bit".  ...  86 
Their  One  Topic  .  .  no 
Their  Opportunity  .  182 
Then  Ihings  Happened  188 
They  Meant  to  Be  Fair  40 
They  Were  so  Glad  to 
See  Him  .... 
This  Happened  in  Chi- 
cago      

"Tipperary"  in  Chinese 

Tit  for  Tat    .... 

Too  Forward 

Too  Good  to  Be  Wasted 

1  00  Long  a  Shot     . 

Too  Much!  ...     52,  142 

Too  Personal      .      .      .  242 

Too  Strong  a  Term      .  226 

Touchy 196 

Try  It  and  See  .     .     .  128 

Try  This      .      .      .      .  115 
True  Optimist,  A    .   194,217 

Two  Treatments,  The  .  248 

Unchangeable    ...  9 

Uneasy '16 

Unfortunate  .Affair,  An  135 
Unprepared       Base 

Threatened     ...  98 

Unretumed  Favors       .  1 12 

Up  to  Him  ....  152 


'9 

53 
233 
194 
90 

195 
120 


Vulnerable 


87 


Warned  in    Twenty 

Years 222 

Warning  to  Authois  207 
Wasn't      Calling      Her 

Dear 189 

Welcoming  the  Actor    .  85 

What  Did  Solomon  Say?  107 
What   He  Might   Have 

Been         ....  129 


257 


INDEX     OF     TITLES 


When  the  "S"  Fell  Out  i8 

Where  Ignorance  Is  Bliss  17 

Where  Vermont  Scored  123 

Who  Could    lell?   .      .  36 

Why  Be  Polite  Anyway?  3 1 

Why  Not?     .      130,  133,  133 

Why  Should  He  Know?  77 


Winner,  The      .     .     .  150 

Words  Failed  Her    .     .  178 

Worm   Turned,   The  .  185 

Worse! 118 

Worth  a  Chance      .     .  205 

Yankee  Fodder ...  93 


•^^ 


^ 


«l« '. 


^ 


^ 


^1 


•^ 


^ 


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